The Idiot Saga
by TheBrick
Summary: Link is tasked by the Deku Stump to change the world and is joined on his journey by a psychopath and a possibly insane Hylian. Now you can see how they all screw up, complete with a new enemy, behind the scenes...sort of. Crackfic! General Torture fic!
1. Flying Lightbulb Thingies

**This is my first Legend of Zelda fanfic. Let's see how much I can screw up the storyline for Ocarina of Time, hmmm? Or, maybe keep to the storyline, but going as far away from it as humanly possible. Whichever way you want to look at it.**

* * *

In the vast deep forest of Hyrule… Long have I served as the guardian spirit… I am known as the Deku Stump…

The brats who like to mooch off me, the Kokiri, live here with me, as much as I hate them. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy, who're as annoying as hell! I mean, all they ever say is, "Hey! Listen! Hello!" It drives me nuts! There's only a few fairies that can speak more than those words, and they're even more annoying! And then there's that one brat who doesn't even have a fairy! He's more annoying than a hundred of those fairies! I think his name's Link, but I'm not sure, since just yesterday, he was calling himself Superman, and he was trying to fly by jumping off the roof of his house. I bet you can guess what happened next. It involved much swearing and pain for Link.

**Get on with the damn story!**

Fine, fine… Anyway, Link doesn't have a fairy guardian, so I think I'll send one to him…

* * *

Link was tossing and turning in his bed, in the middle of a nightmare. In the nightmare, Saria was trying to convince him to marry her.

"Nooo! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" he screamed, while trying to grip the ground to stop Saria from dragging him off.

"It'll be good for you, Sweetie-Pie!" She continued dragging him off to her house, with him screaming protests every inch of the way.

"Why do I have to suffer? I'm too young to die! Where's my brain?" His brain waved from where it was packing a suitcase.

"You'll love it, honey," Saria said seductively as she opened the door to her house. As it opened, however, the picture dissolved into a new dream.

In this new dream, Link was standing in front of a drawbridge, complete with a wall and a town behind it scrambling around on the ground, looking for something. As he watched, the drawbridge slowly opened, with the sound of hoofbeats echoing through the air.

As the drawbridge opened completely, Link stood up. "Where're they?" he muttered as he kept looking at the ground. He was still looking as a white horse charged out of the gate and ran over him. The horse had two people riding it, an old woman and a little girl. As he watched them, a cough echoed behind him. He turned around to see a thin-faced red-haired guy wearing black armor staring into space.

"Hey, have you seen my marbles? I think I lost them," Link asked him. The man was confused.

"What marbles?"

"The marbles I left right here."

"I think they ran away from you kid. Now what was I supposed to say? Something about crack, I think." He raised his arm. "Oh well. I think I'll kill you, since I'm bored out of my mind. I have needs too, you know."

* * *

"Navi…Navi, where art thou? Come hither…I really need to stop reading Shakespeare." The Stump descended into silent muttering, while Navi just stared at him, waiting for him to notice her.

The Stump finally noticed her after a couple of hours of talking to himself. She had eventually just left him there and went to get someone for his insanity.

She came back with a doctor, who was sleepwalking, since it was about four in the morning. "Take twenty aspirins and call me when I'm awake," he mumbled, and went off.

"Navi…Dost thou have a way for me to stop talking Shakespeare?" Nave did some fairy magic. "Thank you."

"Now, can you get that brat, Link? I'm going to die from a curse soon, and I need someone to lift it."

Navi left.

* * *

"GODDAMMIT!" Nave was (still) trying to get through a fence. She had gotten lost in the tiny Kokiri village, and had just spotted Link's house, when a fence got in her way.

"Screw this." She pulled out a chainsaw and chopped through the fence.

* * *

The noise the chainsaw made as it was revved next to Link's ear only made him roll over and yawn. Onto Navi. Who was still holding the chainsaw. Which went through Link's back. Yet he still slept on.

Nave began punching him as hard as she could while she was trapped. "Get up, stupid!" He slept on. "I SAID GET UP!" He slept on. Navi suddenly got an idea. "Link, there's a shiny metallic object next to your head."

Link rolled over and swiped next to his head, looking for it, but since it wasn't there, he hit himself in the gut instead. He groaned. "Uggh…Why does it feel like my brain was stolen and replaced with a sponge?"

"No reason," said Navi as she held a brain surgeon's kit and a brain behind her back.

"Anyway, the Deku Stump wants me to get you for something, I forget what." She shrugged. "And I'm supposed to join you."

Link stared at her with his mouth open. "Link?" She snapped her fingers. "Link, get up!"

"YES! I FINALLY HAVE A FAIRY!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.

**Hyrule Castle**

Princess Zelda looked up as she heard someone screaming something about finally getting a fairy.

**Back in the forest**

"PARTY TIME!" Link screamed. He pressed a button and his house began transforming itself. About twenty seconds later, the transformation was complete.

"Link…" said Navi slowly. "How does this relate to parties?"

"Because I like to break things." Link's house had become a Transformer. He pressed another button, and a control panel slid out of the wall. Cackling with glee, Link began making the Transformer step on the other Kokiris' houses, the trees in the forest, and on the other Kokiri. It was a very bloody scene, and when it was over, most of the other Kokiri lay dead or dying. Saria was laying in front of where Link's house used to be, twitching.

"Alright, party's over." He pressed a third button, and the Transformer became his house again. Navi was shaking. "That…Was…AWESOME! Let's do that again sometime!"

* * *

"No, I will not let you pass without a shield and sword." Mido's decision was final, and besides, he couldn't move his fat ass, so the two idiots had to get the sword and shield so that he would move his fat ass out of the way….somehow.

* * *

Link was in the Training Center, trying to get the Kokiri Sword, but he kept getting run over by the big rock there. He finally got past the rock, and was so excited that he fell into the chest the Sword was in. Navi grew tired of waiting for him to notice the latch on the inside, and went to get some chocolate. She came back to see a charred Link, who was muttering nonsense to himself.

"Got the big boom and the desert rats got burned with ice cream, hehehe…" Navi gathered that he had decided to blow the chest up. "At least he got the Sword," she thought. "Time to get a shield."

* * *

Link conspicuously snuck into the shop, where shields were being sold, humming the Mission Impossible theme. The shopkeeper, though, was dead from the Transformer rampage earlier, but Link didn't know that.

He snuck over to the counter, quickly looked around, jumped over, grabbed a Deku Shield, vaulted back over the counter, and crawled out of the shop.

"How'd I do?" he asked a bored-looking Navi, who looked at a stopwatch.

"Ten minutes and thirty-six seconds. We're seeing progress on your sneaking skills."

"Yeah…Sneaking skills," Link said, looking around shiftily.

"…Whatever, let's go kill Mido!"

"Yay!"

The duo went over to the entrance to the field the Deku Stump liked to stay in, only to be stopped by Mido.

"You can't pass without a shield and a sword ghughgh!"

The last word was because Navi had grabbed Link's sword and used it to chop Mido's head off.

"…PARTY TIME!"

Link took out a remote with a single button on it, and pressed the button. His house became a Transformer again, and proceeded to break everything that wasn't already broken in the forest, while Link watched, cackling evilly.

When the Transformer was finished its rampage of much destruction, it became Link's house again, and Link had the grin of a little kid who's just found a new fun toy.

* * *

"Why did that Deku Baba just sit there whistling?"

"It's one of the mysteries of life Link, now shut up, sit down, and listen." Link quickly did as the Deku Stump said.

"Oh…Navi…Thou hast returned…Wait, what? Didn't you stop me from reading Shakespeare?"

"Yes. Then you started reading it again."

"Oh. Well then, Link, the time has come to test your courage. I've been cursed with a parasite by an emo with red hair, and I need you to break it, since I'm dying. Do you, Link Whateveryourlastnameis, accept this mission?"

"Nope."

"But there'll be cake, friends, and Navi! What more could you want?"

"A lifetime supply of matches, I want to make things burn."

"Done. Oh, by the way, I'm going to have to ask you to take another idiot with you. I'm pretty sure he's housetrained, but I might be wrong."

"Hey!" an indignant voice shouted from behind the duo. They turned to see a teenager of about fifteen, with crimson red hair sticking up in every direction possible, a shirt which looked like it had been dragged through a war, which was complete with pants that seemed likewise. His overall shabby appearance made him look like someone that was in dire need of some money.

"This boy is named Kasuto. He fights for cookies, refrigerators, and against those cranky people that hate you stepping on their lawns. And he's not the emo I was talking about," he added to Link's unspoken question.

"You forgot the chocolate."

"Oh yeah, and he fights for chocolate. Any questions?"

Link raised his hand.

"Questions that don't involve crap."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or shit."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or anything to do with human waste."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

"Or any kind of waste that comes out of a body."

Link put his hand down, then raised it again.

The Deku Stump whistled a certain tune. A hawk came soaring out of the sky and chopped Link's head off.

Link came running back to the Stump after he respawned and had to fight through a giant robot, sixteen random undead Kokiri, Mido, Saria, and three Deku Sprouts. He arrived in front of the Stump an hour later to find Mordo, Navi, and the Stump playing cards.

"Now, are there any more questions, for the second time, not counting Link," he added as Link raised his hand. Link looked sad and put his hand down.

The Deku Stump looked around, was satisfied there were no questions, and opened his mouth.

"Well then, kill the parasite, it's giving me an ulcer!"

"I don't want to go in your mouth! What if it's because you want to eat me? I don't taste very good. I taste like the letter yellow," Link whimpered. Kasuto put his arm around Link's shoulders and whispered something in his ear. Link straightened up again, saluted Navi, and marched right into the Deku Stump's open mouth. Navi looked confused under her glow.

"What'd you tell him?" she asked Kasuto. He grinned.

"I told him there were Nazis in there, and he thinks that any game where you kill Nazis is fun," he told her.

"They are."

They both laughed at Link's stupidity before setting off into the Deku Stump.

* * *

**Well, that's the first chapter. Tell me what you think! Oh yeah, and if any of you have trouble picturing the Deku Stump, imagine the Deku Tree, but with everything above his eyebrows cut off. **


	2. Run! Lawyerskullwalltullas!

**I hope you liked that last chapter. Not too sure of it personally, but oh well. I don't feel like changing it. Instead, I give you...Chapter 2!**

**

* * *

**

Inside the Deku Stump

"WOAAHHHH! IT'S HUGE!" Link screamed at the top of his lungs as soon as he entered the Stump. Kasuto rolled his eyes. "If you're going to yell, save it for the boss," he said sourly. Link got sad for a second, but then his face lit up.

"Oooooh! What's that thing do?" He pointed to a spider web on the floor.

Kasuto sighed. He knew the next several hours would be similar to this one. "That's a spiderweb; don't touch it." Too late.

"LIIIIIIIIINK!"

**Five minutes later**

Navi was lecturing Link on the many things NOT to do in a dungeon, Kasuto was sighing and shaking his head at Navi, who wasn't paying attention to him, and Link was just staring into space. A bit of drool fell out of his open mouth.

"And finally, never chase a pumpkin; they are always being controlled by a super-evil genius. Now Link, what was this little lecture about?" Navi asked sweetly. Another bit of drool fell out of Link's mouth. "Exactly! How to pretend to pay attention during a speech! Here's a cookie."

Link cheered when he saw the cookie, until Navi went and threw it onto a platform high above them.

"NOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "THE PRECIOUS!" He ran up a nearby vine wall onto the platform the cookie was on.

"Precious…" he whispered. "The precious has returned…" He ate the cookie.

Navi smirked at Kasuto, who sighed, and gave her a red rupee.

"That's right, fool. Never bet against Navi!" she said with a mocking smile.

* * *

The two of them later found Link staring up at a vine, which had three Skullwalltullas on it. Kasuto calmly took out a Deku Stick and threw it at them, but missed. He then took out a Deku Nut, but the game mechanics wouldn't allow him to throw it at the giant spiders.

"Well, I got nothin'."

Navi suddenly seemed to notice something.

"Am I the only one who thinks the person who named the items was weird? Or mentally challenged? Or gay? I mean, Deku Stick, Deku Nut…" she trailed off at the horrified looks on their faces.

"You mean…This entire time…I've been holding part of his penis?" Kasuto exclaimed. He promptly threw up over the edge of the platform.

Link didn't seem to be too bothered by this new fact.

* * *

"Well, judging from that map we found, I'd have to say that the fire bombs are here. We sneak in here, go through this cave, jump this ledge, and go through here. When you see the fish, wave and smile. Then tap the glass. When the water comes rushing out, go into the ventilator, and take a left. Drop out of the grille, and smash the case. While running out, shoot anything that moves. Are we clear?" The plan was met with nods. "Then move out!"

Navi turned away from her loyal subordinates, who were running around screaming, and faced Link and Kasuto.

"Now, let's get your plan, shall we?"

* * *

Link and Kasuto were stunned. They never knew you could do that many things to a sheet of paper. And not have it rip, for those of you with sick minds.

"Are we clear?" They nodded slowly, still trying to grasp what Navi was doing now. "I'm never touching that thing again…" Link trailed off. Kasuto slowly nodded. The Deku Scrub in the background twitched slightly.

After that…slightly…disturbing…scene…happy thoughts…happy thoughts! Must think happy thoughts! Anyway, they went through a door that Navi had to point out to the two, since they were still gaping at her. They were standing in front of a platform hovering in midair, which had several cracks in it. It looked like it would fall if you stepped on it.

Link and Kasuto, being a pair of idiots, ignored jumping to the floor beneath them and climbing up the ladder. Instead, they jumped over to the platform. It didn't fall.

It exploded.

Link was sent flying to the doorway, and Kasuto flew over to a huge chest on the opposite side of the room. He hit his head on it and was knocked out.

Navi sighed. She always had to do everything. She had to clean up the idiots' messes, help them exist, help them through dungeons, and, above all, change their diapers every few hours. And she had known them for less than a day!

A groan from the chest made her look up. Kasuto was muttering something about flies and dragons beating up alien dolphins with marshmallows in his unconsciousness. She sighed again. She always had to do everything.

She opened the chest to find…another chest. She opened that one to find another. And another. And another. And another. And another.

"Navi, you're doing things wrong. Tab A always goes into slot B, no matter who you're talking about."

Kasuto was still unconscious, but he wouldn't be for long. She made sure of that.

* * *

Kasuto respawned at the beginning of the Tree.

"DAMMIT!"

* * *

Link eventually climbed up the ladder which took him over five hours to notice, even though he was staring at it, drooling the entire time.

He then stood there, drooling. Again. After another hour, he finally noticed the big chest in front of him. Link opened it to reveal…the Slingshot!

"Da Da Da Daaaa! You got the Slingshot! On the Pick Your Junk (Not That Kind Of Junk!) screen, you can set it to one of a bunch of random buttons, I forget the buttons, and press the button to take it out. Hold the button to aim with the big control thingy- you know what, screw it, just give me the Slingshot."

Navi flew over to Link and tried to take the Slingshot, but he grabbed it back.

"Precious…" he whispered in a creepy voice, stroking it. The Slingshot came to life and started beating him up.

Navi smiled as Link became a bloody pulp, and grabbed the Slingshot, which growled at her. Navi growled back, even louder, and the Slingshot held up a white flag.

Suddenly, Kasuto came into the room.

"What'd I miss?"

* * *

"…and you never noticed the ladder with a bright flashing neon sign above it, HOW?"

The only thing Navi got in response was a pair of shrugs. Navi sighed and produced a strategy guide.

"Well, it says here we need to go back to the wall with the spiders."

"Great. Yay. Fun," said Kasuto unenthusiastically.

They went back to the wall with the Skullwalltullas, and Navi shot all of them down with her now-favorite weapon. Well second-favorite, first being her chainsaw. Link tried to take the Slingshot back while she wasn't looking, but the Slingshot snarled at him. He stayed far away after that.

* * *

They climbed up the nearby wall, only to find the top section with several spiderwebs. Link tried touching one, but a hissing sound from above made him look up.

A giant spider with a briefcase in one of its legs crawled down. Ignoring Navi's look of horror, the Skullwalltula cleared its throat and pulled out an official-looking paper from the briefcase.

"A Lawyerskullwalltulla," Navi whispered. "It's the rarest of all of the family of giant spiders. Don't get to close, or it'll use legal action against you."

The trio backed off slowly, while the Lawyerskullwalltulla was still droning on reading its paper out loud. Their looks of horror were plain for all to see.

* * *

After escaping through a nearby door, the trio found a room with two torches next to the entrance, one lit and one unlit. Link smiled. Navi noticed, and tossed him a Deku Stick. Link cheered and began to set things on fire.

Outside, the Deku Stump coughed.

When Link was finished, the room was charred, and the enemies in it were being cooked and eaten by a Skull Kid.

"Thanks dude! I needed that!" he Skull Kid told Link. Link turned to him and grinned again. That's when the Skull Kid noticed there was still fire nearby.

"Oh...crap."

* * *

"Well, at least we got something out of it," said Kasuto. Navi snorted.

"If by something, you mean a totally useless compass that only shows where treasure is, then yeah, we got something. Now if it showed where we need to go next then it would be useful."

"Fuck you, Navi. Fuck you."

"I know, I suck."

"Balls."

"I know, one time I tried to fit an entire beach ball inside my mouth and suck on it, but it didn't work out too well."

"I hope you know, you're crazy."

"I know."

"Uh, guys?"

"What, Link."

"The lawyer's back."

And indeed it was.

"Geronimo!" they all screamed before jumping down to the bottom floor to escape the Lawyerskullwalltulla.

* * *

"WAHHHHHHH!" Link screamed. "IT'S DEAD! IT'S DEAD!"

"I know, the loss off your Deku Stick is so terrible," Navi muttered darkly.

They had fallen into a large pool of water, and Link was crying because "The Precious" had broken as soon as it touched the water. Of course, it was a stick, so that might've helped.

"Navi! It's my fire-making-thingy! Of course it's terrible!" Link wailed.

"…Someone doesn't understand sarcasm," Navi muttered darkly.

"…What's sarcasm?" Kasuto and Link asked simultaneously.

"Nevermind!"

Link threw the remains of his Deku Stick at a nearby Deku Baba, knocking it out.

A Deku Stick fell through the hole they had fallen through and hit Link on his head.

"Revenge!" The Deku Stump screamed.

Link started muttering curses on the Deku Stump as he got some fire from the nearby torch and threw it at the spiderweb blocking the door.

"Wow…Link," said a stunned Navi. "That was actually smart!"

"…Burn baby, burn," Link muttered, staring at the burning spiderweb.

"Nevermind."

"…Burn, baby, burn…"

* * *

As Link and Kasuto walkedthrough the door, a Deku Seed hit Link in the head, knocking him out.

Kasuto looked at Link, looked at his sword, looked at Link, looked at his sword, looked at Link, looked at his sword, looked at Link, looked at his sword, looked at Navi taking Link's sword, looked at his sword, looked at Navi whacking the Deku Sprout in the head with the hilt of the Kokiri Sword, looked at his sword, looked at Navi getting beaten up by the Deku Sprout's nonexistent hands, looked at his sword, looked at Navi slicing the Sprout's head off, looked at his sword, looked at Navi doing her victory dance, looked at his sword, then finally looked at Navi, who was staring at him.

"I know! You need to feed it!" he shouted. Navi sighed and shook her head.

"Morons."

* * *

After resurrecting the Deku Sprout and torturing him about his info, Navi killed him again. This time through castration.

Kasuto and Link, who was now awake, stared at her in shock.

"And now for the door."

Link grabbed a nearby basketball and made like Michael Jordan on the eye. He slammed the ball through the eye and into the wall, for those of you who don't know who Michael Jordan is.

Link charged through the open door and jumped off the ledge there.

"I believe I can flyyyy-" He was cut off by the impact of his face on a large spiked log.

Navi winced for him.

* * *

Navi took pity on him and dragged his body out of the water, next to a block. Kasuto, she simply threw in and waited for him to float to the other side.

Once she got his body out of the water, she smirked and dragged Link's body on top of Kasuto's. She then decided to poke Kasuto's body with a stick until he woke up.

"Hey," he muttered as he tried to sit up. "Who turned out the lights?"

Navi giggled. "There were no lights. Link wanted to have sex with you." Kasuto gasped and started scrambling away from the unconscious body that had been lying on top of him.

"He…didn't…take it…did he?" he asked. Navi snickered again.

"Yep. Then he fell asleep."

Kasuto fainted.

Navi snickered yet again. "Messing with them is fun." She glanced at the block that the two Hylians needed to move to get up onto the ledge. "…I'll get the sleeping pills," she sighed to herself.

* * *

Navi had woken up from her nap and was extremely pissed. Link and Kasuto still hadn't woken up yet.

"Why do I have to do everything myself?" she asked to no one in particular.

She whistled.

In a dimension far, far away, yet somehow close at the same time, Tingle looked up and cheered. He pulled out his balloons and flew away, into the skies…only for a gust of wind to blow a pin into his balloons.

"Tingle is sad. He heard a fairy calling him, but his balloons popped. Tingle wanted to have sex with a fairy!" he sobbed.

Navi shivered.

"I just got the creepy feeling that a gay cross-dressing cross-species lover wanted to have sex with me. Never…again…" She shuddered at the memories.

* * *

After Link and Kasuto finally woke up, Navi drop-kicked them up onto the ledge. Each rubbing their ass in pain, they went through the door in front of them, only for Link to stop, his jaw hanging open. There, right in front of him, was fire. You can probably guess what happened next.

Outside, the Deku Stump coughed again.

"Damn, why am I coughing so much today? And why do I keep feeling like I'm getting an ulcer? And why-"

The doctor standing in front of cleared his throat.

"Get we get on with this? I've only got so much time in the world."

"Certainly."

(**Scene censored for adult content.**)

The doctor got to his feet, zipping his pants.

"Ahhh, that felt good," he sighed. "Now to go rape some of the Kokiri."

The Stump shrugged as much as a motionless stump could shrug.

"I really don't care what you do to them. They're a bunch of bras."

"Don't you mean brats?"

"Yeah…Sure…Brats…" The Stump said, looking shifty.

* * *

Inside the Deku Stump, Link was standing there with a big happy grin on his face, with the rest of his body well-done. The rest of the room, plus the other two, looked similar.

"Note to self," muttered Navi. "Never let Link near fire again if you like living."

Link simply grinned happily.

Kasuto coughed.

"Time to move on, before I get hurt more by a cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf."

* * *

As they walked through the door to the next room, Kasuto groaned, Link looked ecstatic, and Navi simply looked horrified. For there, in a torch standing two feet away from the entrance, was fire. Link got a childish grin on his face as he got out a Deku Stick and proceeded to set the room on fire. Again.

Outside, the Deku Stump coughed for the third time.

"Okay, I really need to see someone about this cough…"

Inside, Kasuto had just crawled out from a small hole they had found when Link was done burning stuff, when he called back through it.

"Um, boss? We're back where we started. What should we do now?"

"Let my minions take care of it…" Navi cackled. "Watch and learn, boys. This is how it's done…"

* * *

After having a splash contest, which, surprisingly, Navi won. Navi pointed at the three Deku Scrubs guarding the boss door.

"Kill."

The Deku Scrubs didn't stand a chance. One of them tried getting mercy by telling Kasuto about Queen Gohma's weakness, but he was killed too.

"Is it just me, or are all Deku Scrubs traitors and backstabbers? I mean, every single one we've faced has ratted out someone else after we beat them," mused Navi. The other two nodded dumbly.

They went through the boss door still pondering this. As they stepped through the door, the lights went out.

"NOOOOOO!" Link and Kasuto screamed. "IT BURNS! IT BURNS!"

A sigh from above made Navi look up.

"I can hear you, you know that?" a voice called down. Kasuto shushed Link.

"The voices…They're coming for us," he whispered, making them both shiver.

Another sigh made them scream again.

The Lawyerskullwalltulla dropped down, making Link and Kasuto scream and hug each other in fear. Yet another sigh happened, and a giant one-eyed scorpion/spider/something dropped down from the ceiling, muttering about how to kill idiots, and fell onto the Lawyerskullwalltulla, killing it.

"Great, more idiots," the giant one-eyed scorpion/spider/something mutant muttered to itself.

Parasitic Armored Arachnid

GHOMA

Likes to scare people at random. Is the only known enemy of the Lawyerskullwalltulla.

Weakness: Eye

Text mysteriously appeared onscreen in front of Ghoma, causing everyone to stare at it.

"It must be one of those weird things made by the insane author in this world," Kasuto decided. A brick fell through the roof and hit him in the head. The note attached to the brick said, "Watch it."

Kasuto shivered.

Link was the first one to fight, by charging toward Ghoma. He tried faking an upwards stab and rolling through Ghoma's legs, but she wasn't so easily fooled. She grabbed Link and threw him against the nearest pillar. Some gray fluid dribbled out of his ear after he hit the pole.

Navi nodded twice to Kasuto, who nodded back three times, and ran toward Ghoma. When he got about a foot in front of her range, he fell to his knees.

"Peace treaty?" he asked, taking out a scroll and a pen. Ghoma paused in her swing to knock him against the same pillar.

Navi pulled out the Slingshot, pulled back the cup, and carefully placed a grenade with the pin pulled out in the cup.

"Can't be too careful," she whispered; releasing the cup.

It exploded in front of its intended target – Link, who was shaken awake by the explosion.

"Oh, so that's what my brain looks like!" he shouted as he saw the gray fluid next to his head. Navi flew next to hit and hit him with a spiked baseball bat until he was awake.

"Come on, Link!" she yelled. "Kasuto's distracting Ghoma, so get up!"

Ghoma looked up as she heard something as she was just about to sign the peace treaty.

"Did you just hear something about you distracting me while someone gets up?" she asked.

"Nope! Nothing!" Kasuto quickly replied.

A Slingshot bullet hit Ghoma just as she was about to finish signing the treaty.

The Lawyerskullwalltulla came back to life and tapped Kasuto on the shoulder. Kasuto turned around slowly.

"You violated the peace treat you and Ghoma have signed. I will now use legal action to-" What it would do, we will never know, because Ghoma ate it.

"Well, my work here is done," said Ghoma. "Oh by the way, if you see an emo with red hair wearing black armor, kill him. He's the reason I'm here in the first place."Ghoma quickly went through the door at the other end of the room.

A blue portal appeared in the middle of the room, and Link and Kasuto stepped toward it slowly.

"Is it safe?" Link asked silently.

"I don't think so," answered Kasuto in a whisper. "I think it's a portal to an alien world, where they will make us their slaves, until there's enough of us that we can rise up and burn them all, until we're the rulers of their world. We'll keep ruling until we decide to get some slaves of our own. There'll keep being more, until there's enough of them to make a civil war. We'll lose the civil war, and we'll be the slaves again. For the rest of eternity."

Navi rolled her eyes and shoved the two of them through the portal.

* * *

**A/N: This chapter has my first ever fight scene! Yay! Tell me how I did! And yes, I've been high ever since I saw the Skyward Sword pics.**


	3. Attack of the Cashier

**Nothing to say, except for the disclaimer I forgot to add two chapters ago.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. If I did, I'd have made this story as one of the games, and I'd have a pool with money instead of water, like Bill Gates, only cooler. I just own Kasuto. Wah.**

* * *

Link appeared in front of the Deku Stump surrounded by angels and halos, with a choir singing church music somewhere nearby. Then Kasuto dropped from somewhere above him and landed on his head, ruining the moment. Link jumped on him, snarling, and Navi somehow was sucked into the resulting brawl.

The Deku Stump coughed, and the two stopped from where they were they were fighting.

"Well done, brat. I never thought that a cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf with a flying lightbulb would get this far. Actually, I was hoping to eat you, just so you'd leave me alone. But then I remembered that I'm allergic to elves." The Deku Stump scratched his ass with a branch (don't ask me how, I'm just going with the flow). "So I was thinking of a way to kill you, until the doc over there told me I was going to die. So now I think I'll send Navi with you until you go crazy, are sent to live in an asylum, and die there." It looked at Kasuto, who was standing there tapping his watch and tapping his foot on the ground, then at Navi, who mooned him, and finally at Link, who was staring, mesmerized at a lit match.

"You're all doomed." The Deku Stump died. Then it came back to life. "Oh by the way, forgot to give you this." It threw the Kokiri Emerald at Link, knocking him out. The match dropped to the ground. "Ohhh…Crap. Remember, I was dead!" It died again.

Navi shrugged. "Sure, why not."

* * *

Navi had to drag Link out of the Deku Stump's clearing, only to see the ghost of Mido floating in front of the exit. It held up a hand.

"Stop! You shall not pass! Hey!" Navi simply dragged Link through the transparent ghost. Kasuto looked at it weirdly.

"Who're you?" The ghost gasped.

"Who am I? I am the great king of the Kokiri, the prince of ghosts, the world champion of eating! I AM MIDO! HEAR ME ROAR!" Mido roared, while Kasuto simply stood there with a red liquid dripping out of his ear.

"Oooookay then." Kasuto wandered off. Mido began muttering to himself ways to peel a banana, some of them very…unique. Okay, most of them were disturbing. Very disturbing.

* * *

Link was calmly walking along playing his DSi XL on a bridge when he tripped over a rock. Time seemed to slow down as he slowly fell, his DSi XL flying out of his hand and over the side.

"NOOOOOOO!" he yelled, still in slow motion. "My toy!"

Saria coughed as Link fell next to the edge. He waved a hand at her to go away. She angrily pulled out a radio.

"Snake, code 45, mission 189 ASAP. That means now."

**Far, far away**

Solid Snake threw a capsule at the ground, opening up a portal. He then crawled prone toward it, looking in every direction. A soldier nearby sighed.

"Sir, what are you doing?" Snake immediately got up and threw a hand over his mouth.

"Shhh. We're in hostile territory, so if you want to live beyond the next few minutes, shut up." He then continued crawling, still moving an inch every minute until he finally got in about half an hour later.

"This is Snake. I'm moving out," he radioed to Saria, who had an evil grin on her face.

* * *

"Snake, wake him up." Snake promptly crawled behind Link, coated him in C4, and crawled off. He pulled out a remote and pressed the button. There was much pain for Link.

"Up yet?" Saria asked.

"Pain…" Link gasped. "Mother…I don't want to die yet…Mido…Lose some weight…Saria…Shut up…I must go to the gates of reckoning…So long…Adios…Goodbye…I'll see you again…In the…Afterlife…" Saria shut him up with a boot to the face.

"Where did any of that come from?" asked Navi, who was coming up behind them, dragging Kasuto, who had a hangover. Saria gasped when she saw Navi.

"You're-" Navi shushed her.

"They are not going to find out about my last job as an actor!"

"You were what?" Link screamed.

Navi silenced him with a pipe to the head. Saria clapped her hands happily.

"Finally! I've been trying to do that for ages! As a reward, have an old ocarina." She gave Navi a beat-up old boot. Navi stared at it with a raised eyebrow.

"Whoops! Here's the ocarina!" She gave Navi a beat-up old ocarina. "Take care of it, my love!" Saria blew Navi a kiss as she dragged the other two out of the forest. Navi began muttering soothing things to herself about lesbians.

* * *

"I really need to stop knocking them out," Navi groaned as she dragged the two others out of the forest. "It will be so much better for my chocolate addiction and my fire obsession." As she had expected, Kasuto and Link woke up instantly.

"Where's the fire/chocolate?" they yelled simultaneously, swinging their heads around to look.

"It's…Ummm…In Hyrule Castle." They suddenly vanished, a pair of dust trails the only thing referencing that they had ever been there. "Damn, they're fast."

**At the drawbridge into Castle Town**

"Sir, there's a pair of dust trails coming, with people in front of them. What are your orders?"

"Do nothing. We can't stop dust trails from doing what they want. That's discrimination against dust trails, by order of the king. Arrest the people for speeding, though. I hate speeders."

"But sir-"

"No buts. We do nothing but watch. And kill the speeders."

The man sighed. "…Yessir." He stepped aside. And not a moment too soon. The dust trails representing Kasuto and Link flew past the soldier the instant he stepped aside, almost blowing him into the moat surrounding the town.

The dual dust trails flew through Castle Town, up to the castle, where they…ran into the moat. A glace behind them showed dual lines of fire heading from Hyrule Field towards the Hyrule Castle's moat, and stopping.

* * *

Navi found the two of them paying strip poker with Talon, with them losing badly.

"…I'm not buying your new clothes. You're going to go naked until you buy them yourselves." Link waved her off, concentrating almost completely on his hand, which, when she looked, was terrible.

**Fifteen minutes later**

"Have a good day, saps!" Talon chuckled heartilyas he walked off with Link and Kasuto's clothes. When he was out of sight, he hung them up in the first tree he came to. Then he took their underwear and sniffed it.

"I bet my daughter's always wondered how I got her when I'm gay. Well, she'll never find out! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Malon was standing behind a nearby tree with a horrified look on her face.

"He doesn't mean…Fictional male pregnancy…Does he?" she thought to herself. "And what about my other father…He couldn't be…Ingo?"

**At Lon Lon Ranch**

Ingo stiffened.

"Was it my imagination, or did my daughter of fictional male pregnancy just figure out I'm her other father?"

* * *

"Now come on, it's thanks to you two that you even need to go clothes shopping. And don't even think about mooching off of me, you're paying for it." Link pouted and gave Navi his puppy eyes. "That doesn't work on me, remember?" Kasuto gave her the evil eye. "AWWWW! SO CUTE!"

The two of them quickly picked out all the clothes they wanted before Navi changed her mind.

"That'll be 1000 Rupees," said the vendor as they brought their purchases to him. Navi gulped.

"Sir, I think you carried the decimal point wrong." The man looked down at his calculator.

"Oh, you're right. That'll be 10000 Rupees. Pay up." Navi gulped again.

"Guys, I think it's time to make like a drum."

The cashier pulled out a bazooka, and pointed it at them. "Pay…"

Navi looked around quickly, and pointed at a random person nearby. "I don't have any money, but that guy's my best friend and he'll gladly pay for me." He pointed his bazooka at Random Person #1. "Pay…"

* * *

A slightly charred Link and Kasuto went through Castle Town, and were just about to begin their sneaking mission into Hyrule Castle, when they ran into a girl with red hair. Or, Link ran into her, and Kasuto ended up walking over her twitching body.

"Now, how to begin…" Link stood there for a long time, simply rubbing his chin.

**A long, long time later**

"I've got it! Let's sneak in the castle!" Link exclaimed. Kasuto sighed in exasperation.

"Can I take off this beard now? I need to itch my chin."

"Sure, put it in there." Link threw Kasuto a bag with the label "Jokes, Gags, and Fourth Wall-Breaking Materials."

Kasuto climbed up a nearby vine, while Link distracted the guard at the gate with "The Normal."

"So, yesterday I was drinking some milk, when these space aliens attacked me! They came out of the trees with their cool space alien guns and they…"

* * *

Kasuto stabbed his sword through the throat of another guard as he made his way through the garden, killing every guard he came to, instead of hiding behind the convenient bushes that were scattered around. Eventually, he came to a huge doorway, which led to the end of the Gardens. At the end of the large circular area, there was a little girl looking through a window. Kasuto decided to have some fun with bombs to get her attention. Eventually she turned around when he had finished the Dance of the Bananas. She looked very, very pissed.

"Shhhh! I'm stalking the visitor here!" she shushed. "And viewer! Go masturbate or something! Go on, go!"

She turned back around. Kasuto started jumping to try and look over her shoulder. After about fifteen minutes of this, she pulled out a flyswatter and started whacking him with the end.

"Bad doggie! Bad doggie! No treat! Bad doggie!"

Kasuto pouted. "I'm not a doggie!" He pulled out some notecards. "I'm…a…fairy…boy…from…the…forest…and…I…want…to…give…you…a…hug." he read slowly. "Navi needs to make her handwriting better."

**At the gate**

"Hold on, Link," said Navi. "I need to punish an idiot." She took out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it over the caste wall.

**In the garden**

A whistling sound from above made Kasuto look up.

"Oh…crap."

* * *

"…And that's why you need to pay for the damage," Zelda finished explaining. Kasuto simply snored. He opened his mouth to make another snore, and Zelda shoved a bomb into said mouth.

**Five minutes later**

"What'd I miss?" Kasuto asked as he came back into the gardens, only to see Zelda reading a newspaper. She folded up the newspaper and set it aside.

"Now, where was I… Oh yeah, who are you? How did you get past the guards? Oh…What's that? Is that…a fairy?"

Kasuto looked around. "What fairy? The only thing I see is a whiny princess, a stripper, and an exhibitionist."

Navi whistled. A hawk came flying out of the sky and ripped Kasuto's shirt off.

"Now who's the stripper?" she jeered. Kasuto snickered.

"You forget what I called myself…" He ripped his pants, boots, and underwear off. "An exhibitionist!"

"Ooookay, disturbing…" Zelda trailed off. "Anyway, according to my script, I'm supposed to tell you a bunch of crap about the Sacred Realm, but I don't feel like it right now. I'd rather stalk this handsome guy right here." She pointed through the window, where what looked like an emo with red hair was talking to the king.

"So, I was reading Playboy yesterday, and I found this _seriously _hot girl in it! Want to see?" The king offered Ganondorf a magazine, which he eagerly took and started flicking through the pages.

"That's the man I'm so eagerly in love with…Ah…I think I'm going to faint…"

Kasuto simply stood there drooling.

* * *

Zelda popped back up. "That was a good nap!" She turned to Kasuto, who was reading the newspaper Zelda had discarded earlier. "Hand it over."

"Anyways, the Sacred Realm holds the Triforce. The Triforce is mighty. People like mighty. People want to steal mighty. So the Goddesses borrowed Jason Voorhees to guard the Sacred Realm from those people. He and Freddy Krueger like to kill each other, but they get along enough to guard stuff. Anyways, the Goddesses built the Temple of Time to protect the Sacred Realm. The Temple of Time has a door at the end, which needs three rocks to unlock it. Along with the Royal Family's treasure; the Ocarina of Time! ?And with the Ocarina and rocks, then we will rule the world, and make every race our slaves! MWAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" Zelda cackled.

"I'm sorry, what was that last part?" asked Kasuto.

"Um, nothing! Anyway, take this letter. It'll get you through the gate to Death Mountain. See ya! Oh, yeah, my loyal servant Impa will use her magical teleporting powers to get you out of here."

"I told you they're not magical teleporting powers!" said a voice from behind them, but Zelda had already turned back to the window.

Impa sighed. "Great, I get to take an exhibitioner, a flying lightbulb stripper, and a cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf out of the castle. And now I have to teach you a song. Follow me, and if you mess up, I will kill you." Impa pulled out a leaf, and played Zelda's Lullaby.

Kasuto looked down at his Ocarina-less hands, his Ocarina-less pockets, his Ocarina-less pants, then finally, his Ocarina-less magical item-storing thingy every single RPG in existence has. "I'm screwed." A shriek from behind him made him turn around.

"You stalled me for so long that my precious went away! I'LL KILL YOU!" She pulled out a chainsaw.

* * *

"I'd better not see you ever again," said a pissed Impa as she left them standing in front of the gate. Link turned to Navi. "Now what?"

Navi pulled out her strategy guide. "According to this, we need to go up a big mountain, talk to a rock that eats other rocks, go into a cave, kill a dinosaur, and get hugged. I vote Link gets the hug."


	4. Gorons and Beer

…**I got nothing. Other than the fact that for the next few days after posting the last chapter, wouldn't read my views and stuff. So basically, I wouldn't have known if any of this story's fans (or at least, people that don't hate it) had read it if not for Foxpilot's and rebew's reviews (hehe…rebew's reviews…) Anyway, here's the chapter, so that I can shut up now. Oh yeah, and just so you know, I have nothing against gay people and lesbians, if any of you are wondering. It's just that there's so many possibilities for gay jokes. They are not meant to offend in any way, shape, or form. But I digress. Anyway, random explosions galore in this chapter!**

* * *

"But first, we need to go to Lon Lon Ranch for an Ocarina song," Navi announced as she put the strategy guide away. The other two nodded, and followed her as she flew across Hyrule Field to the ranch, which had a dead cow hanging over the sign.

"…Okay, why is there a dead cow on that sign?" Kasuto asked no one in particular. He got an answer anyway, though.

"It's because of our annual Cow Fair! You get to wrestle cows, play poker with cows, and even do…it with cows," Ingo said from behind them. They all whirled around, only to hear, "Where're you looking? I'm over here!" They whirled again, but the same thing happened.

"Wait a minute…" Navi crept forward, only to find what she had been looking for in the bushes outside of the ranch.

"This is how he did that!" She held up a speaker. "I feel like Scooby Doo."

"What's Scooby Doo?" Link asked curiously.

"Something that your non-fourth-wall-breaking minds cannot comprehend. Now let's just go in, before I die from embarrassment from being seen with you people."

"…You've alrealy been seen with us."

"…Shut up, Kasuto."

They went in, only for Navi to see something she could have gone for the rest of her life without seeing.

"No…no…NO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"

* * *

After recovering from this mysterious sight which no one wants to see, they went into the field, still talking about what they saw.

"Why were they even doing that?"

"It's one of the mysteries of life, Link. Now shut up and walk."

"But why?"

"Same goes for you, Kasuto."

"Why were they –"

"Because they're rednecks, and that's what rednecks do."

"What, work in fields and other farm stuff?"

"…Let's go with that."

They found Malon in the middle of the horse field, humming a song to herself. As they approached her, she seemed not to notice them. Link decided to test this, and snuck up behind her. A shrill scream split the night when he ruffled her hair.

There was much pain for Link.

* * *

"Do I have to?" Malon groaned loudly.

"Yes, you do," Navi answered. "It's in the Bible." She produced the strategy guide.

"Screw the Bible!" Malon ripped the strategy guide to shreds, tore up the shreds, and then threw the remains into a nearby fire, the entire time being _majorly_ pissed. She stood there panting for a few seconds, gradually losing her anger at having her hair touched.

"Anyway, as an apology, I'm going to teach you a song which you had better _never_ use, if you value your life," she said, still angry enough to growl.

"Why?"

"Because it would take away my one true love! Oh…Epona…" She sighed, and started staring into space. Kasuto snapped his fingers in front of her eyes. Malon decked him in revenge.

"Don't interrupt me while I'm daydreaming!" she snapped. Link snored loudly. Link was in much pain.

"Well, since you people obviously won't let me imagine in peace, then I'll teach you the goddamn song." She melodically hummed a few notes. "Play them."

Link pulled out his Ocarina and started playing. It sounded really, really bad. He opened his mouth, but an explosion in the sky made him shut it again.

After a few more failed tries, Malon pulled out a whip and started cracking it next to his e and started cracking it next to his eye whenever he messed up.

**About six hours later**

"Screw this. Link, if you haven't learned the song in the next five minutes, I will take away something very…precious…to you…" Malon whispered, but Link heard it anyway. He gulped, and started trying to make his brain work with the notes. He didn't want to lose his fire…He would want to join Ganondorf. He shivered at the thought and started trying even harder.

**A while later**

"Well, it took you 12 hours, 4932473 whip smacks, and the permanant loss of fire, but you finally learned Epona's Song, Fairy Boy! Now leave me alone so I can masturbate to Epona in peace!"

They quickly left, not wanting to see that disturbing image.

* * *

"Alright, now we need to go up Death Mountain," Navi read from the new strategy guide she had gotten from somewhere. "Just beware the giant cockroaches."

"What giant cockroaches?" Kasuto asked.

"The ones on the mountain. Sheesh, get a brain."

"Yessir!" He saluted, and pulled out a brain surgery tool. He then went over to Link.

"Don't bother, he doesn't have a brain anymore, he has a sponge." Link drooled a little. Kasuto looked at Navi. "Don't even think about it."

As they went into Kakariko Village, a woman came running up to them.

"Oh no! What should I do? My Cuccos have all flown away!"

"…Maybe…I don't know…Find them?" Navi snapped back angrily. But the lady didn't seem to hear her.

"You, little boy, please! Please help me bring them back to my pen!" she pleaded Kasuto, who simply stuck his finger up his nose and twisted. She turned to Link, who was still drooling.

"Fine!" she snapped angrily, and threw an empty bottle at Kasuto, shoving his finger further up his nose. She stalked off, swearing under her breath.

"Help! My finger's stuck!" yelled Kasuto. Link helped him pull his finger out. Then they looked at the object that had gotten his finger up there in the first place; his hand.

"Die!" Kasuto slapped his hand with his other hand.

"Here," said Link, handing him the bottle. Kasuto tried to use it to beat up his hand, but Navi stopped him.

"Wait! We can use this to store stuff!" Kasuto grabbed her and shut her in the bottle. "Not me!" Navi banged her fists against the side, but it did nothing. "Just you two wait… I will kill you all…"

* * *

They wandered off, neither having any sense of direction whatsoever, and found themselves at the Graveyard. Link, being the child genius that he is, decided to go around knocking on all the graves, "to see if there's anyone home."

**Genius, kid, genius.**

"I know, isn't it?"

**That was sarcasm.**

"What's sarcasm?"

"You don't know what sarcasm is?" Navi shrieked from her bottle. "Wait, this is Link I'm talking about, never mind."

"What's sarcasm?"

"You don't know what sarcasm is?" Navi shrieked from her bottle. "Wait, this is Link I'm talking about, never mind."

"Hey! I may be an idiot, but I'm not stupid!"

"Point proven. Anyway, sarcasm is…"

**Ten minutes later**

Link shivered. He never knew sarcasm had so many…violent things in it. He wandered over to the royal tomb and, pulling out his ocarina, began to play random notes.

As he played, lightning gathered in the sky. When he noticed there wasn't any sound going on around him, Link looked around. When he finally looked up, lightning hit him, charring him well-done, and shattering the headstone he had been sitting on.

"…Navi won't like this. Not at all."

Link looked down from where he was floating mysteriously. There was a hole underneath him. He fell through it, screaming.

* * *

"Where'd Link go?" Kasuto asked as he looked around the graveyard. Navi grumbled.

"He'd better not have fallen into a hole and need to go through a cave filled with bones, zombies, and acid, only to learn a song which has no use whatsoever and only exists to play with time. I will kill him if he does that."

* * *

Link sneezed. Then he shivered. "I bet Navi wants to kill me…I don't wanna die!" He ran screaming through the room filled with bones, into a room filled with deadly acid and…

"ZOMBIES!" Link ran over to a ReDead and gave it a hug. Now, the ReDead did what any ReDead would do in that situation. It gave Link a hug back, while simultaneously trying to eat his brains. Link quickly noticed.

"Oh, so it's a hugging contest you want, eh?" He squeezed harder, causing the zombie to start flailing around.

"Ughh!" it screamed, while whacking Link on the head, which only made him squeeze even tighter. Eventually, it died from lack of oxygen (I know zombies are supposed to be dead already, but it's my story and I'll do what I want). Link screamed and dropped it when he noticed about an hour later. He dropped it and backed away slowly. He then turned and ran into the next room.

In there he found a long, flat stone, with notes written all over it. Musical notes. He pulled out his ocarina, looked at it, and winced. A remote-controlled rocket zoomed into the room and exploded behind him, throwing him headfirst into the stone. Nelson Muntz came out of nowhere.

"Ha ha!" Nelson was crushed by a hug from a zombie that had followed him from nowhere. Link blinked.

"That was weird. At least I got a song out of it."

* * *

Link climbed out of the hole to see Navi, out of her jar and tapping her foot on midair, with Kasuto slumped on the ground, unconscious.

"Navi…I can explain –" He was cut off by a fist to the back of the head. Navi waved.

"Thanks Snake!" Said person clapped a hand over her mouth, before looking around and getting up slowly.

"Don't give me away. If you give me away and they try to kill me, I'm going to kill you before I die. If I don't get around to killing you and you survive, then I'm haunting you for the rest of your life. If you die too, then I'm going to kill your spirit." Navi had long since stopped paying attention, and had floated off, snapping her fingers to make her minions drag her slaves (Link and Kasuto) behind her. Snake quietly sighed. "Bitch."

"I know!" came the reply from around the corner. Snake took out a remote and pressed the button.

**With Navi**

Navi was just floating over the Kakariko well when an explosion caused water to come shooting out of said well. Along with a big zombie…thingy.

"Dead Hand. Watch out for it's…um…infinite hands! If it grabs you, the guy controlling you (yeah, I mean you, jackass!) has to tap a button to escape…Wait…What?" It wasn't until then that Navi had remembered that she was by herself. "Oh…Fuck, it's getting up!" And so it was.

Dead Hand screamed and made a swipe towards Navi with one of his claws, her narrowly dodging, only being saved by Dead Hand still recovering from the explosion that had sent him out of the well.

Snake sneezed.

Navi grabbed a board from the construction site and tried to fend off Dead Hand's attacks, but only narrowly. Fairies don't have much strength, and Dead Hand was recovering from the explosion.

"Fuck!" screamed Navi as her board broke. Then Dead Hand screamed too, and went for the killing swipe. Suddenly, it stopped, as it noticed the Deku Seeds that had been hitting it for the past several minutes. It turned around to see Link, who was quivering from fear, and slowly advanced on the elf. It then stopped again, this time noticing the sword protruding from its stomach.

With an almighty scream, Dead Hand disintegrated, leaving behind a large chest that looked as though it might hold an item.

"Careful," Navi advised the others, "it might be a trap."

"…Now you're thinking like me," Snake said from behind them. He gave them a salute as they whirled around. "See ya." He threw a smoke bomb on the ground in front of him, and he disappeared.

"…Okay…Open the chest." Link answered with a whoop, and dove into the opened chest.

"Da da da daaaa! You got the Lens of Truth! It allows you to see where you can get crack and pot!...And see the truth, but that's boring," Navi read from her card. "…Where am I getting these, anyway?"

"They're from the author's mind."

* * *

They finally made it up Death Mountain, only to be thrown over the edge by a rolling boulder.

* * *

"We need a plan," Kasuto announced.

"We know, now start thinking," Navi snapped back. "What we need is a way to get those things to stop rolling…or to explode."

"I like the second plan better."

"Of course you would, Link, It involves blowing random crap up."

* * *

"So…you're a Goron?"

"yEp. NoW gIvE mE sOmE rOcKs! ThEy ArE lIkE bEeR fOr Us, AnD wE nEeD iT tO sUrViVe!"

"…Okay…moving on, why are you talking like that?"

"WiThDrAwL sYmPtOmS."

"Because of the rock blocking your beer supply?"

"YeP."

"Let's go guys, we don't want to get infected with stupid." She then remembered who she was talking to. "Nevermind."

* * *

They met the rolling rock again. They had to go back up the mountain again. They met the rock again. This time, they managed to blow it up, sending Goron flesh splattering over Death Mountain.

"Another day, another random explosion. God, I love this job," Navi said as she dusted off her hands. Another Goron flew into them, sending them down the slope they had been standing on, straight into Goron City. Into yet another Goron, who was curled up into a rock in front of the entrance. The Goron uncurled as the three sat up, rubbing their heads.

"EvErYoNe TaLkS lIKe ThIs BeCaUsE oF tHe BeEr DePrAvAtIoN hErE! It'S AlL BeCaUsE wE CaN't EnTeR oUr QuArRy, ThE dOdOnGo'S cAvErN. GoRoNs LiVe On A DiEt Of BeEr, We CaN't EaT aNyThInG ElSe, It'S bEeN sO lOnG."

"Thanks. We're looking for the Goron's Ruby, do you know where it is?" asked Navi.

"GoRoN's RuBy? ThE oNlY tHiNg LiKe ThAt I kNoW oF iS tHe ThInG tHaT wAs ThErE." The Goron pointed to the center of the large cavern, where there was a stone platform, which was suspended by ropes. In the center was a stone monolith, with a small hole in the center, where it looked like the Ruby had been.

"ThE lAsT i HeArD oF iT wAs ThAt ChIeF dArUnIa HaD tAkEn It BeCaUsE wE wAnTeD tO EaT iT." The Goron pointed to a doorway, which was covered by a slab of stone. "He LiVeS tHeRe."

"Thanks," Link told the Goron, who saluted.

"So, how are we going to get in?" Kasuto asked once they were out of sight of the Goron. Navi smirked.

"The usual way; did you expect anything else?"

"Nope."

One explosion later, they were in Darunia's chambers, with one small problem. The leader of the Gorons was sleeping.

"Link, wake him up," Navi ordered. Link saluted.

"Chief…we've got beer…" he whispered in Darunia's ear. He didn't wake up. "Well, I tried. I just thought –"

"Hold on, you actually _THOUGHT_?" Navi interrupted. "Who are you, and what have you done with Link?"

"Nothing. I'm just an extra soul in Link's body, occasionally controlling him in exchange for making him a little smarter."

"Oookay…I'm just going to back away now…" Suddenly, Darunia woke up.

"Now? Who said now?" Link and Kasuto looked at each other.

"He did it." They pointed at the other one.

"Back to normal, I see," thought Navi.

* * *

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"_Please_?"

"_No_."

"Fine, I fold." Link just lost the forty-fourth poker game in a row, and he was now broke. "Now what'm I going to do?"

"Get new clothes…again."

One clothes shopping trip later, they were talking to Darunia about going into Dodongo's Cavern. Or to be exact, Link was annoying Darunia into it.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Fine! Take your stupid Bracelet and go!" He trailed off, muttering about annoying idiots.

* * *

"Alright, so what do I have to do?" Link asked.

"Throw a Bomb Flower onto that rock and go into Dodongo's Cavern," answered Kasuto. "Go it?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Link plucked a Bomb Flower, and ran toward the edge of the cliff. Time seemed to slow down as Link slowly tripped over a pebble, slowly dropping the Bomb Flower. Link's eyes slowly widened as the Bomb Flower slowly exploded, slowly sending him over the edge of the cliff. Navi slowly laughed as she slowly pressed a button on a remote, sending time back to normal.

"Ow…" came the voice from below. Navi laughed again.

"I really need to thank Snake and Tingle for this thing. Yep, things are going to get real fun now…" She rubbed her hands together and smirked.

"I got it," said Kasuto as he grabbed another Bomb Flower and ran toward the edge. He tripped over the same pebble as Link had, but instead of the Bomb Flower exploding, he flew over the edge of the cliff. Link's eyes widened as he saw what was coming towards him.

"Shit…"

The Bomb Flower exploded as it hit the ground, blowing up the rock blocking Dodongo's Cavern, unblocking the entrance. Link and Kasuto were the ones that were in real trouble, though.

"Pain…" Navi laughed evilly at their misfortune.

* * *

**I'm not sure, can you really fight Dead Hand before the time-warp? I know he's fought as a child in the well, but I can't remember if you need a certain item to fight him. On another note, on Monday, I got the devil's number for views! As in, 666! Wow. That's…interesting. Just wanted to point that out. Next it'll be 777, the lucky number. **


	5. Random Explosions

**I wish to thank msfcatlover for giving me inspiration to start this chapter off, even though said person will probably never know exactly what they did, but I'm going to thank them anyway.**

* * *

"Thank God for fairies," Kasuto sighed tiredly. "Without them, I'd be long dead."

"Same," Link agreed, "just without the dying, the God, and the bottlenose dolphin." Navi and Kasuto simply stared.

"…What's a bottlenose dolphin?" asked Navi. "It sounds like an aquatic mammal that has been around for millions of years and bears a striking resemblance to sharks, only with slightly different tail flukes, and is becoming endangered."

"Nope." Link showed them a drawing of a Zora. "This is." He then looked at the picture. "Wrong drawing." He showed them a different drawing, this time of Ghoma.

"Oh, that makes sense," agreed Kasuto, while Navi simply sighed.

"Idiots…They'll never learn how to break the fourth wall like an expert, so I won't even try teaching them."

They had stopped to rest for a night before going into the Dodongo's Cavern, Navi's logic being, 'if they could survive withdrawal symptoms for this long, then they'll survive them another night.'

"Hey, Link?" asked Kasuto nervously.

"Huh?"

"How do you know if there's a Dodongo nearby?" He was even more nervous now.

"Well, first you look for red eyes." Kasuto shivered at the red eyes in front of him.

"Then you look for the smell of its breath, which kind of smells like ketchup." There was a ketchup smell in the air.

"Then you chuck a bomb down its throat. If it doesn't die, then it's a Dodongo." The Dodongo got up from where the explosion in its stomach had thrown it.

"I suggest we run now."

"Yep."

* * *

"Well, at least –" Link was cut off by Navi.

"Finish that if you want it to find us again." Link went quiet.

"Why did we come in here, though?" Kasuto said as he looked around the entrance area of Dodongo's Cavern. "Weren't we going to explore it tomorrow?"

"…Remember what we were running from about five minutes ago?" Navi asked. Kasuto shuddered. "There's your answer."

They looked around as Link gave a shout. "BOMBS!"

"Oh…no…" whispered Navi, mortified.

There was much pain for all those involved. Luckily, though, Link's actions had blown a hole in the wall, revealing to all the inside of the Dodongo's Cavern.

"…Guys?" asked Kasuto from where he was peering into the room. Navi and Link whirled around from where they were arguing.

"What?" they snapped simultaneously, glaring at each other.

"…There's more in here…" And there were. As they all peered into the room, a bunch of Dodongos glared at them from where they had been dancing. Their dance floor retracted slowly. As it finished, like it had been a signal, the Dodongos charged. Simultaneously, the main trio turned and ran.

* * *

"…Are they gone?" Kasuto asked as Navi peered around the corner of the Cavern that they had hid in. Navi snorted.

"No, they've decided to go find another pair of idiots to beat up for interrupting their sacred Dance of the Eagle," she said sarcastically. Kasuto raised an eyebrow.

"So, they think they can fly if they do this 'Dance of the Eagle' every single year?"

"Pretty much."

"I want to fly too!"

"No, Link, that's only for giant lizards with a superiority complex."

**At Bowser's Castle, just as he was planning to capture Princess Peach for the 4923****rd**** time**

Bowser sneezed.

"Or giant lizards who like to kidnap princesses for no reason, other than to be an actual mother."

Bowser sneezed again.

"Your Gnarlyness, you may want to get that looked at," one of his minions called as it was passing. Bowser whipped out a remote and pressed the button. There was silence for a moment. Then, the minion's screams echoed up the corridor they were in, and Bowser smiled.

"Ah, music to my ears."

**In Dodongo's Cavern**

"Note to self: cannon highly effective against flesh," Navi muttered as Kasuto and Link watched the Dodongos' smoking remains from the safety of outside. They didn't want the demon in there to see them and claim its next two victims.

* * *

After Navi had calmed down, they finally went into Dodongo's Cavern, only to see something even weirder than Dodongos slow-dancing. Something with a mouth…on its ass! They slowly sidled along the side of the cavern, trying not to make any noise so that it would not see them. Their plan worked, up until they saw another one of them, right where they needed to go, according to the Bible.

"By the way, didn't Malon burn that?" Kasuto asked as he saw that Navi had gotten her strateghy guide back from somewhere.

"It's the rerelease, with several things the old one didn't have," she answered as she turned a page. "Oooh, secret relationships of the Gerudo, that's a new one."

"Navi!" Link exclaimed in said fairy's ear, causing her to fall over in midair.

"What?" she snapped, righting herself.

"The Mouthass went boom!" And so it had. Content with its title of 'World's Ugliest Monster,' and wanting to go out in its prime, it had committed suicide by bombing (Link didn't exactly help; he had annoyed it to the point where death was preferable just by existing). The resulting explosion had blown away the rock over the entrance to a new passageway.

"…Well, at least there's a doorway where it was. You did a good job, Link, here's your treat." Navi threw a dog treat at Link, which he caught in his mouth. He chewed it for a second.

"Mmm…bacon."

* * *

After having to run away from several suicidal Baby Dodongos, they made it to the end of the cavern that the Mouthass had blown up, on, only to see their path blocked by a set of bars, with a switch and a pair of Armos statues placed around the doorway's platform.

Link turned to Navi. "Pull a statue onto the switch and the door will open." He kept staring. "Put a statue on the switch and good things will happen."

"Yay!"

As Link and Kasuto pulled one of the Armos statues onto the switch, Navi calmly read her new strategy guide, although its 'strategy-guide-ness' was questionable.

"Oh, that's just creepy, 'Zelda's Stalkers?' Why would I want to know how many stalkers Zelda has?" She chuckled, and answered her own question. "Because I'm a rabid Zelda fangirl!"

Link and Kasuto turned around and stared at her with wide eyes. "What?"

"…I think we should back away very slowly…"

"Yeah…"

Navi was not happy. She pulled out a black whip. "Back to work!"

Link and Kasuto jumped as the whip cracked the air next to them, and scuttled back over to the statue, while Navi pulled out her magazine again.

* * *

"Hi! My name's Link, what's yours?" Link asked the Lizarfos, who was right in the middle of trying to decapitate Kasuto. Kasuto managed to roll away, but Link kept prattling on. The Lizarfos simply tuned him out, though, and focused on killing the other two. It aimed a slash at Kasuto's waist, but Kasuto somehow managed to bend all the way back, with his head touching the floor. As the Lizarfos recovered, Kasuto pulled out a cloth sack from his never-ending thingamajig supply with an evil cackle.

"You have a meeting…A meeting with Destiny!" he yelled, and opened the sack. A pink blur rushed out and swarmed all over the Lizarfos, yelling something.

"GOD IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!" the Lizarfos screamed. It ran around in circles clawing at his ears while screaming its' head off. Suddenly, it felt a floating sensation. It looked down to see that it had run over the side of the platform it had been standing on. It held up a sign that it had gotten from somewhere, with the words, 'oh…shit' written on it.

The other Lizarfos threw itself after him, screaming something about "you're not getting out of debt that easily!"

Navi chuckled to herself. "Destiny is a pink fur ball with a sick sense of humor."

"Yup."

"…And then I beat the game, and I got PIE at the end! Can you believe it? PIE!" Navi groaned and tried to tune Link out.

* * *

"I want to poke it!"

"Link, that's not a good – wait, nevermind, this is Link I'm talking about here, he's just going to do it no matter what I say," mutter Navi. Link poked the Dodongo that he had been standing in front of, who had been giving Link an odd look for some time now. There was pain involved for all members of the current party involved in the situation of maximum idiocy. Meaning, Link had a flamethrower shot at him by a giant lizard.

**Outside**

"Oooh, look at the pretty lights…"

**Inside**

Kasuto carefully stepped over the twitching form of the Dodongo Link had poked, because it had decided to shoot fire at HER, since he had "killed" Link, and it was bored. Luckily, though, it had chased Link around the room while shooting its flamethrower, so all of the torches were lit. But he decided to take out a Deku Stick anyway and poke the Dodongo.

Until his master decided she needed him.

"Get your ass over her, Kasuto! Before I do what I did to that Mask Shop guy!" Kasuto shuddered. That had looked…painful.

* * *

They found Link talking the head off of the Mouthass that had been sitting in the middle of the cavern. Literally. The Mouthass was inching closer and closer to a safe conveniently placed nearby. Once it got there, it pulled out a gun and shot the lock off. It opened the safe to pull out another gun, which it used to shoot the lock off the safe _next to_ the safe conveniently placed nearby the suffering Mouthass. It opened that safe and pulled out a Plot Axe ("An axe used to place convenient plat holes in stories so that authors can mess around with their crap," Navi read from her card), and used it to cut its head off.

The single-eyed head came to a rest at Link's feet, but he didn't even notice.

" – so I used my stick to grab her hotdog, and then I grabbed one of her buns and stuck it in it. Then I took some ketchup and stuck it on the hotdog –" Navi rolled her eyes and pulled off Link's hat, and used it as a gag.

"Hmph, mph Hmm!"

"Shut up, Link. No one likes you." (**I'm so gonna get flamed…**)

* * *

Link's eye glowed with wonder once they solved the problem of getting across the entire main room and through the door at the other end of it. "…Wow…"

Inside the room, there were two rows of Bomb Flowers, lined around a tall pillar that was calling to Link. "Link…blow me up…I need it…Link…Good things…" Link didn't need an excuse, he just wanted to blow stuff up.

"Hey! Maybe if we pull that Bomb Flower out and use it to blow up the other Bomb Flowers, then the giant rock will blow up!" Link exclaimed. Navi snickered.

"Link, that's never going to work. In fact, I bet you 50 rupees that that won't work."

Link stuck his hand out. "Deal."

**Ten seconds later**

"How…How the hell did I just lose a bet to _Link_? HOW?" She grabbed the front of Kasuto's tunic. "TELL ME!" Kasuto was shaking in fear, from remembering what Navi had done to the last person who had given her an unwanted answer…who, incidentally, had been the owner of the Happy Mask Shop.

Link, who was unhappy with being ignored, contented himself with gazing into his shiny new purple Rupee. He started walking forward, only to trip over the bottom step of the staircase he had gotten from blowing up the Bomb Flowers. He finally noticed what was at the top of the staircase.

"I bet there's_ more_ shiny stuff up there!" he exclaimed, and started climbing.

The others finally noticed where he was when Link started screaming at them from the top of the stairs.

"Hey! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen!" Kasuto started shaking.

"No…Not that! Anything but that!" He fell to his knees, screaming about rabid dogs.

"…Weird…" said Navi slowly.

* * *

When Kasuto and Navi finally joined Link on the wooden walkway at the top of the staircase, things were quiet for a moment. Then Kasuto spoke up.

"Navi?" Said fairy grunted. "Why are we even on this thing, anyway?"

"We're only on this because I lost a bet against LINK, of all people! _LINK_! There's only one person I know that is as stupid as Link is, and he's not even from this universe!"

**At Bowser's Castle**

Mario sneezed in the middle of a jump, causing him to fall into a lava pit and die.

"I mean, the only thing Link's good for is cannon fodder!"

"What's cannon fodder?"

"Stuff that can be sacrificed."

"What's sacrificed mean?"

"Expendable."

"What's expendable mean?"

"…I swear, you're as much of an idiot as Link is."

* * *

"…I'm not even going to ask why he's up there."

Link, riding on top of an Armos statue, let out a whoop as the statue spun around trying to find him.

"Weeeeee! This is fuuuun!" The Armos managed to throw him off at his point, and Link went flying over to the wall, headfirst. Unconsciousness was swift.

"Hey!" Navi was furious. "I'm the only one that can do that to him! Okay, I can't carry him, he's waaay too heavy, and I'm too small, but…where was I going with this?"

The Armos shrugged.

"Fine then, be that way."

The Armos pointed and laughed mutely.

"You want some of this?" Navi pulled out a remote control. The Armos shrugged again. "DIE! DIE!"

She pressed the button, and several things happened at once. First, the roof of the room exploded, sending debris flying all over the room. One piece struck Link in the forehead as he was getting up, sending him back into Dreamland. The noise of a helicopter could be heard overhead.

A rope was thrown over the side, and a figure came sliding down it. As it stepped into the light, the person was revealed to be…

"Private Ryan? What are you doing here?" Navi asked. "I called for Solid Snake!"

"Snake was not in at the moment, so they sent me. He said something about a crazy lesbian wanting him for a job. And he said, "tell Navi that 'her fiancée' said hi.""

"She's not my fiancée!"

"Then why are you blushing?"

Navi shut him up with a boot to the face. Then she sighed.

"Great, I need one of them to open the door; Link's unconscious, Private Ryan's unconscious, and Kasuto…" She looked around. "Where is he, anyway?"

* * *

Kasuto was killed by an Armos to the head.

* * *

"Oh well, he'll catch up."

* * *

Navi managed to drag the last of the bodies to the rope bridge over the top of the main room.

"Well, this is goodbye…so goodbye, and see you all in hell." She shoved Private Ryan over the edge, and cackled with glee as he hit the lava.

"That was fun!" Link laughed from beside her. "Let's do that again!"

"Sure, just jump over the edge of the bridge."

"Okay!"

Navi watched as Link plummeted to the lava far below.

"…He's an idiot. Might as well go and save him; I've got nothing better to do."

"Save who?" She jumped and spun around, startled by the sound of Link's voice.

"Didn't you just fall in a deadly lava pool?"

"No, that was a Ditto."

"A what?"

"A mysterious creature from another dimension, sent here to take over the world."

"…Okay…"

Kasuto pointed to the door at the other end of the room. "Let's go there, I have a feeling that it'll be fun!"

Navi rolled her eyes. "For you, maybe." Then she had the idea of checking her strategy guide, and her eyes lit up with glee. "Yes, it will be fun."

* * *

Kasuto and Navi took great pleasure in pushing Link off the edge of the platform they emerged onto, into the path of a Blade Trap. There was much pain involved for Link.

Until, of course, the Lawyerskullwalltulla came back, with a vengeance.

Navi and Kasuto spun around at the sound of a foot tapping against the ground, only to have a contract shoved in their faces.

"Clickity-click-click-click (Sign and good things will happen)." Navi screamed and hid in Link's hat. Kasuto simply dropped unconscious where he stood. Link just stood there with a blank look on his face. The Lawyerskullwalltulla sighed, and gestured at Link.

"Click. Click-click-clack (You. Sign this now.)." Link just stood there. "Clack clickity-clack (don't make me use legal action!)!" Link just stood there. Not missing a beat, the Lawyerskullwalltulla grabbed his arm and started to sign Link's name on the contract. Until it suddenly pitched forward, unconscious. Navi appeared behind it, clutching Link's Kokiri Sword.

"And stay dead!" she cried, shoving the dagger into its head.

* * *

"Can I keep it?" Link asked Navi, holding a baby Dodongo, who looked like it would rather be anywhere but there.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"_No_!"

"Please?"

"_NO_!"

Link pouted. "You're no fun."

"Just shut up, put the baby down, and walk away," said Navi, turning away.

Link pouted, but did as he was told. Then he caught sight of the door leading to the next room. "I wonder what's in there?"

He ran through the open doorway, only to fall into the lava pool at the end. The two Lizarfos simply stared at him.

"Help! I'm drowning!"

They simply stared.

Finally, Link dragged himself onto the platform, only for a Lizarfos to swing downwards, forcing him to let go.

"A little help here!" Link called.

"…Fine, press the button, Kasuto. Link, put the mask on."

When Kasuto pressed the button on the remote Navi handed him, a bunch of Pikmin appeared out of nowhere. They went over to Link, seeing as he was the one with the Olimar mask on.

"What are your orders, master?"

Link thought for a minute. Then he pulled out a piece of paper. "You, you, and you, get me some food. You, get me a TV. You, get me the Zora's Sapphire. The rest of you, kill the Lizarfos," he read. The Pikmin gave him the middle-finger salute.

"Yes, master."

* * *

After accidentally blowing up a room with a couple of pillars of fire (Link did it), they got to another room, when Link spotted a big chest on a platform.

He jumped across the gap, clambered up the ledge, and jumped into the chest. A loud whoop from inside made the other two groan.

"If he does that, then something bad will happen."

"Yup. I've only known him for three days, but that much I know already."

"…I only met him fifteen minutes before you did."

An explosion made them both whirl around, until they realized it was only Link. Charred, looking close to unconsciousness, but still Link.

It took a minute for the fact that he was charred to register, and they whirled around again.

"Oh…crap…" Kasuto whispered. There was Link, holding a bomb. And not a Bomb Flower, a bomb. They were in the fe's a…

Link pulled out another bomb, and Navi and Kasuto had to run for their lives, away from the, now-psychopathic, cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf with a lit bomb.

* * *

They suddenly appeared in a large room, which had a barred door at one side, an indentation in the middle, and Keese flying around.

"I like explosions!" Navi and Kasuto turned around to see that Link had made a small mountain's worth of bombs in front of the door.

"Link, no!" But it was too late. The door blew apart, sending shrapnel flying. When the smoke cleared, Kasuto saw Link standing in front of the ex-door, which now just a hole in the wall, looking very dazed.

"Weee…I like potatoes…" He fell forward, unconscious.

* * *

**And yes, I know it's called a Beamos, but in the game it looks like it has a mouth on its…lower regions, I can't tell whether it's its stomach or its ass. Anyways, here's a deleted scene from the next chapter!**

* * *

As they fell into the boss room, Navi gasped, loud enough to catch the attention of the room's other occupant, who was standing over the long-dead body of a giant dinosaur.

"Who're you?" she gasped.

"Kratos."

**That's how far I got before I realized it wouldn't work. At all. The final version will be different**


	6. The Return of the Time Machine

…**I got nothin', unless you want the chapter spoiled. And if you don't want the chapter spoiled, go read it! It's down there! **

**\ /**

* * *

Kasuto shouted out as Link pitched forward into a gaping hole in the ground, landing with an audible thump. Navi simply stared down after him.

"He'll live," she judged after a moment of silent staring. They both jumped as a roar from below startled them. As they watched, a giant dinosaur slowly marched into their view, leading several other dinosaurs, who were staring at Link in wonder. Their leader snorted.

"Hmph. Fool. Does he expect us to no do something to him while he's unconscious? Get 'im, boys!"

The baby Dodongos cheered and swarmed the defenseless Link. All the duo looking into the pit could see was a bulge under a small mountain of Dodongos. It looked like it was the end for Link, even though his fanfiction was only six chapters in. So, it was necessary for the author to use a Dues Ex Machina to free him.

A missile shot into the room, narrowly missing King Dodongo, and hit the mountain of Baby Dodongos, throwing body parts across the room. A head narrowly missed decapitating Link as it flew past, impacting the wall with a sickening splat.

"…Well. That was convenient," Navi muttered to herself.

**You said it.**

"Go away, author."

**Oh, I'm so sad, I'm gonna cry. Wah. **

"Aw, go do whatever it is you do when you're sad."

**Okay! *Pulls out chainsaw* Death to Twilight! And that gay sparkly guy, Edward something-or-other. **(**I repeat, I'm so gonna get flamed.**)

"Damn, I wish I had a copy of Twilight, so I could do that," sighed Navi. "Oh well, I'll just do the next best thing. Oh, Kasuto!"

* * *

Kasuto respawned at the beginning of the Cavern. "You know what, screw it, I'm going to go live in Kakariko while I'm still alive."

* * *

Navi wiped the blood off of the Kokiri Sword and continued to watch the fight between Link and King Dodongo with a bored air.

"Well, you're mother smelled of elderberries!"

"You're father was a soul-sucking demon!"

"Your uncle was a Goomba!"

"Your sister was an insane psychopathic suicidal cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf!"

"You wanted to be Magikarp food!"

King Dodongo gasped. "Take that back!"

"Never!"

"Fine then!" King Dodongo pulled out his patented Dobie O' Matic Launcher ™ and pointed it at Link. "Now you die!"

Time slowed down as Kingy slowly pulled the trigger on his Dobie O' Matic ™, slowly firing a Rottweiler at Link. Link's eyes slowly widened as he slowly rolled away from the shot. The dog slowly flipped over in midair and slowly hit the nearby wall, feetfirst. Link slowly turned around as the Rottweiler hit him, teeth first. Navi slowly cackled as she slowly hit the button on her remote, sending time back to normal.

"This thing never gets old!" she laughed, while watching Link get mauled by a Rottweiler. "Hold it!" she shouted, making Kingy pause when he went to beat Link up. "I want to fix that in my mind forever. Link, the Amazing Rottweiler Chew Toy."

When Navi motioned for them to continue, King Dodongo calmly marched over to Link, a cocky smirk on his face, and pointed his Dobie O' Matic ™ at him.

"You're goin' down now, kid," Kingy chuckled darkly. Link spat on the floor in front of his feet.

"You'll never take me alive, Copper!" Link pulled out a knife and, flipping the blade over, stabbed himself in the neck.

Navi winced from where she was watching the battle. "That had to hurt." She realized something as King Dodongo looked up at her with a very toothy smile. "Fuck, it's my turn, isn't it?" Kingy nodded, still smiling. "Again, fuck."

* * *

As Link respawned outside of the Cavern, he laughed. "Hah! That was nothing! I could have taken a lot more than that! Stupid dinosaur. Oh great, the real Link's waking up."

Link slowly shook his head. "Ugh…When did I get outside Dodongo's Cavern?" He noticed something. "Crap, I forgot my monkey treats! Now I have to get them back from Kingy!"

Link charged back into the cavern, not noticing the ominous figure standing on the ledge above him, watching his every move. It chuckled as he went back in. "Heh…Idiot."

* * *

"DAMMIT!" Navi cursed as she had to dodge another claw swipe from King Dodongo. "WHY, GODDESSES? WHY? Oh, and God, too."

(**In the heavens**)

"You want to tell her, or should I?" the author asked Farore, who was looking into her magical crystal-ball seeing-thingy.

"Hmm…Oh, what the hell, let's do it! First, I need Din, though."

"Why Din?" the author asked curiously.

"You should know, you're the author. And God (**Not really. But that would be nice.**).But, for those of you reading this who are confused, I need Din because she's the loudest of the Goddesses. Note the capital 'Goddesses.'"

(**In Dodongo's Cavern**)

"**Why do I need to do this?**" a loud voice boomed from the heavens. Another voice, not quite as loud, answered.

"**Because you're the loudest one, and it's a chance to insult destiny.**"

"**What, you mean Mew?**"

"…**Sure, whatever.**"

"**Yay! Navi, it's because you're a cocksucking clingy bitch who love to annoy nonexistent 'Players' with permanent 'helping', which really just gets them killed! Oh yeah, and because you're not real. Farore, you're handwriting sucks.**" A loud 'Whack!' echoed down from the heavens.

"…" Navi and King Dodongo just stared at each other. Kingy shrugged.

"You want to back to fighting, or just go get a beer?"

"Sure. Wanna go use up the rest of the Gorons' beer?"

"You read my mind."

They were just about to go through the door out of the boss room when a burst of smoke came through the doorway. They looked at it with raised eyebrows (Navi) and eyescales (Kingy) when the sound of someone coughing came through the doorway. As they stared, Link came stumbling through, with a hand over his mouth.

"Crap…I shouldn't have done that…" He started when he saw King Dodongo. "You!"

King Dodongo just stared.

"You took my monkey treats!"

He stared even more.

"DIE!"

Kingy calmly stood aside when Link charged at him, letting Link run into the wall that had conveniently appeared behind him, knocking Link out. Navi simply looked bored. She pulled out a stick and started poking Link's unconscious body.

* * *

Navi sighed. There were some people who could just sleep off a hangover, and go about their day with no consequences. She was not one of those lucky people. She rolled over from where she had been sleeping on the floor, and looked over at the person sleeping next to her. She kissed him on the head, waking him up.

"Hey, wanna have a repeat of last night?" Navi giggled.

"Sure." They got under the covers.

**No, not really.**

* * *

Navi, with the help of King Dodongo, dragged Link's body out of the cavern, and over to the slope. Then, they ran back inside the cavern and hid out of sight. And they waited.

Darunia dropped down out of nowhere, making everything within a mile bounce. He calmly went over to Link and picked him up by the scruff of the neck.

"It's-a me! Darunia!"

He put Link down and began patting him on the back. An ominous snap flew through the air, but Darunia didn't notice.

"Thanks to you, we can once again eat the delicious rocks from Dodongo's Cavern and get drunk! Although, the hangovers from rocks are killer. You ever felt like your head was on fire? Well, take that and add some hammers, along with a bunch of idiots playing around with Big Rocks. Where was I going with this again? Oh yeah, anyway, this adventure will make an incredible story! How's about you and I become Sworn Brothers? No, there's no big ceremony, just catch this!" Darunia threw the Goron's Ruby at Link, decapitating him. A random explosion echoed over the horizon as Link respawned in front of Darunia.

"Brother! You'd better keep brushing up on your skills as you travel!" His face grew murderous. "Or you will die, in the trial by fire!" Link hadn't heard him, he had been distracted by a passing butterfly.

Darunia sighed. "Go see the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain, blah blah blah. You should know what happens by now. Hey everybody! Let's see off our Brother!"

Two more random explosions echoed as a pair of Gorons dropped from above them.

"You did great!" one of them congratulated.

"How 'bout a big Goron hug, Brother?" the other one added.

Link screamed. Really, really loud. Navi had to hold her hands over her ears to block out the sound. Yet the Gorons seemed to be unaffected. As they slowly walked toward Link, he screamed again, even louder, and ran away.

When her ears had finished ringing, Navi cackled evilly and high-fived Kingy, who had an evil grin of his own on his face.

"Okay, now how should I use this blackmail material?" Navi cackled to herself again. This would be fun.

* * *

**Yes, I know it's short. I swear, the next chapter will be longer. Anyway, if you're wondering about the 'real Link' comment, reread chapter 4 and go to the part where they wake Darunia up.**


	7. What Fourth Wall?

**Hope you like the new summary. Now go do reviewer stuff. Now.**

(scene break)

"Pain…" Kasuto muttered from the ground as Navi cackled, swinging the baseball bat, which was embedded with several nails, which she had dubbed, ironically, 'Painkiller.' She gave him another strike with Painkiller.

"And that's for the time you stole all our cookies!"

"What?"

"I mean, for running off on us!"

"Geez, PMS much?"

Painkiller was used on Kasuto, to great effect. Kasuto was hurt, bla bla bla… When, out of nowhere…

"Da da da daaaaa! You got Painkiller! This bat is a relic passed down through centuries by the fairy clan."

Navi, Link, and Kasuto looked up at the words that had randomly written themselves in midair, looked at each other, and left Kakariko Village extremely creeped-out at the way things were happening.

(scene break)

"So, are we going to listen to Rock-person's advice?" Kasuto asked as they climbed Death Mountain yet again.

"…Oh what the hell, let's just do it."

"Yay!" Link cheered from behind them. They turned around, only to see Link with something that he liked to use almost as much as fire…Which, for the readers that don't know by now, is a lot.

"You got the machine gun! Use it to kill people without needing to aim! This machine gun can be changed into a rocket launcher, a shotgun, a mortar, a bazooka, a sniper rifle, a minesweeper, and a grenade!"

Navi and Kasuto simply stared at the text that had appeared randomly over Link's head.

"You think he's doing it?" asked Kasuto.

"No, I think it has something to do with our fourth wall, which reminds me, I haven't checked that in a while…" She thought to herself for a moment and shrugged. "Oh well. We never needed a fourth wall anyway."

(scene break)

"So, what's the battle plan?" Navi asked her minions at the entrance of the narrow passageway up to the stairs up Death Mountain. "I got nothing, so any volunteers?"

"Oh! Oh! Pick me!" one of the minions said in a nasally voice, kind of like the ones from Despicable Me. Those minions were funny; they completely stole the show, kind of like show thieves, like in the circus. The ones that steal the elephants? Those ones. But they're always so obnoxious, kind of like trumpet players. Except without musical notes. And musical notes are kind of like musical chairs. Which reminds me, Navi accidentally broke one of them during a game once when she and someone else sat on one at the same time –

"Shut up!" yelled Navi.

You shut up, I'm rambling. Anyway, the other guy tried to sue her, so she had to hire the Lawyerskullwalltulla as a lawyer. Yet the Lawyerskullwalltulla couldn't get any evidence for her innocence, so Navi had to bribe the judge for a night with her. After removing the judge's innocence, Navi was walking home when she saw a bar –

"Just shut up already!"

Don't make me remove your mouth.

"No! I like my mouth, I need it to eat."

"I have an idea!" shouted Link. He took out his machine gun and transformed it into a bazooka. "I'M FIRIN MAH LAZER!" He shot it into the air. Everyone, including the author, watched as the rocket spiraled into midair, when a quite audible "Ow!" could be heard.

"**You just killed this story's narrator!**" Naryu shouted from the heavens. "**Now we have to find a new one, since the author's too lazy to do it himself!**"

"_**True that.**_"

"**Hey, how come** **you get bold, underlined, and italics, and we just get bold?**"

"_**Because I'm the author, so what I say goes.**_"

"…**Good enough.**"

"_**Now, for anyone that hasn't gotten bored of us talking and left, here's a video of Link biting a tree, while we go find a new narrator.**_"

"**Narrated by the author, who is crap at narrating!**"

"_**Gee, thanks, Naryu.**_"

"**Anytime.**"

(scene break)

Link wanderz around for no reason whstsoever when he finds a really big tree. "Here 's a really big tree!" he shouts." "I wonder whatit tastes likes?" He bites the tree, utb his mouth is to little. "Fuck you!" HE pulls out a bazooka ansd aimso.

(scene break)

Naryu shuddered from where she was watching the video in the heavens. "That video was terrible! It's like something from Uwe Boll!"

Millions of people around the world sighed in relief. At least _they _hadn't been the ones who had made _Alone in the Dark_.

"**You're never narrating again. Thankfully we got that new narrator, and speaking of which…**" Naryu suddenly turned her attention to Link, Kasuto, and Navi, who were having a rock-paper-scissors tournament, "**DON'T KILL THE NARRATOR! I'd like to live for a while longer without needing to commit suicide.**"

Link's rocket launcher suddenly went off, almost blowing up in the new narrator's face.

"**WHAT DID I JUST SAY!**"

"You know," said Link to the others, not really paying attention to Naryu's tantrum, "I get the feeling we were supposed to be doing something right now."

Navi opened her strategy guide and turned to the correct page. "It says here that we were supposed to be at the top of Death Mountain by now, so that we can go into a cave and meet a screaming naked pink fairy from hell, so that she can give us the ability to spin around with a sword and to light things on fire, retconning what happened with Malon a couple of chapters ago. I vote Link goes in first."

(scene break)

As the group reached the top of the mountain, they saw a sight that was so forgettable, the author completely forgot about it in the exiting of the Kokiri Forest. Namely, Kaepora Gaebora. The idiot talking owl that has a habit of making long-winded monologues explaining various characteristics of the game that have a habit of getting on the player's nerves when they just want to get to the story and not have to listen to some talking animal talk. Unless it's Star Fox. That game is one of the only games out there that has a talking animal that isn't annoying, not counting Peppy and Slippy.

"Just get to the story before we need another new narrator," Navi sighed.

Right. Anyway, they met with Kaepora Gaebora.

"You've done well –" K.G. began, because the author's too lazy to type his full name again.

"AAAAGGH!" Link screamed, tearing at his ears. "It hurts us! IT HURTS US!"

K.G. opened his beak, but it was Kasuto's turn to scream. "IT BURNS!" K.G. gave them all an annoyed look and flew off grumpily, muttering about "ungrateful brats." Navi waved him off with a wet tissue, from when she was crying from watching him torture her companions so effortlessly.

(scene break)

Once K.G. was out of sight, Link and Kasuto immediately stopped screaming. That is, until they heard a voice from behind them. A very familiar one.

"Click. Click. (Sign. Now.)" Link screamed and jumped into Kasuto's arms, who also screamed, and tied to jump into Navi's arms, but she was too small. She ended up crushed underneath the two of them, gasping for breath.

"Fuck..you…"

"Clack click clack click? (You two are both asses, you know that?)"

"Yes, I know my ass is nice. Now will you two just sign that so you can get off my clone?" Navi asked from behind them, making them whirl around.

"What is it with people and sneaking up behind me?" Kasuto asked.

"You have a sign on your back that says, "sneak up on me,"" Navi said dully.

Kasuto reached around to his back, where he felt a piece of paper, which he pulled off and studied for a moment. "…So it seems."

"Click. Click click? clack clickity click. (Sigh. Can we move on now? We're over a thousand words in and you still haven't met the Great Fairy.)"

"First you need to move, so we can actually _meet_ her."

"Click click clack click click. (Not until you sign the goddamn contract.)"

"Why, what's so special about it?"

"Cli… Click clackity clack click? (Um… It gives certain people great power?)

"If that's the case, then not right now. We need to actually do something other than talk in this chapter, like mentally scarring Link and Kasuto for life."

"Click? (How?)"

"The thing that's in the cavern behind you."

"Click. (Ah.)"

"Exactly. Link, fetch!" Navi took out a cookie and threw it into the nearby cave. Link charged in after it on all fours as Navi cackled evilly. It only took a few seconds for the others to realize what she was laughing about.

"AAAAGGH!" Link screamed from inside the cave. By this point, Navi was about to fall over in midair from laughing.

(scene break)

Inside the Great Fairy's Fountain, Link was huddled in a far corner of the cave, assuming the fetal position when Kasuto and Navi found him.

"Alright Link, what happened?" asked Kasuto knowingly. Link slowly raised his arm and pointed behind them.

"Th-th-that!"

They turned around, only to see something so ugly that only one thing could describe it.

"SCREAMING NAKED PINK FAIRY FROM HELL!" Link screamed from where he was bashing his head against a wall to try and blind himself. "IT'S NOT WORKING!"

The Great Fairy turned to Kasuto, who was pretty much a vegetable by now.

"Alright, do any of you actually _want_ magic?"

"JUST GIVE IT TO US!" Navi screamed from where she was trying to strangle herself with her Slingshot. The Great Fairy frowned.

"Fine, be that way. I'm sure I can curse you for the rest of your lives with my image tattooed on your retinas."

"NOOOOOOOO!"

(scene break)

Princess Zelda looked up from where she was watching Ganondorf talk with her father about porn. She could have sworn she heard someone screaming about not wanting something. Zelda shrugged; she figured it couldn't be anything important.

(scene break)

"What do you want?" Navi pleaded from behind her completely black sunglasses.

"I want some clothes; I haven't been able to go clothes shopping recently thanks to my Fairy duties," the Great Fairy replied from where she was sitting in midair.

"What, like masturbating to images of the Goddesses?" Navi wilted at the look the Great Fairy gave her. "I'm going, I'm going!"

(scene break)

"There," Kasuto gasped as he dropped a bag in front of the Great Fairy. "Can you just zap us now so we can go before I die from your ugliness?"

"Fine, fine," the Fairy replied as she was looking through the bags. "You're zapped."

She looked up. There was no one in sight. "Damn, they're fast."

(scene break)

**I need to thank msfcatlover for the idea about the Great Fairy. Consider yourself thanked. Here's a virtual cookie.**


	8. How To Be Impaled And Survive

**My excuse for this chapter being late is Dragon Quest IX. That's all you need to know. However, I'm going to need to apologize (read: begs on hands and knees) for the shortness of this chapter. Again. God, I think these things are getting shorter and shorter. I'm gonna need to work harder. I'll shut up now.**

**

* * *

The gang collapsed on the ground outside the Great Fairy's Fountain, where they caught their breath.**

"That was close!" Navi gasped. "I almost died!"

"Screw dying, I thought I would be trapped inside Twilight forever!" Link gasped from the ground, which was beginning to feel really comfortable...

A familiar voice made them all freeze out of fear. No… it couldn't be…not him –

"What's Twilight?" asked K.G., tilting his head to the side.

"Shit… Just kill me now," Kasuto sighed. Navi grinned her evil grin.

**Ten seconds later**

"Never say things like that, even in sarcasm," Navi said as she put down her flamethrower. Link pulled out a roasting stick and stuck a hot dog on the end of it. He started cooking it over the fire of what remained after Navi had been having fun (until she ran out of fuel. Then she just chucked the flamethrower in the fire, saying "I can get more." The explosion it produced wiped out the ).

Kasuto walked over to them from out of the cave and sat down, roasting another hot dog over his remains. Navi and K.G. just stared at him. Kasuto eventually noticed their stares, and put down the hot dog.

"What? I made a clone out of gelatin gasoline in case this ever happened."

Navi was silent for a moment, then shrugged. "Good enough for me."

K.G. coughed loudly to get the others' attention, but was ignored. So, he pulled out a little banjo and started playing it, but he was still ignored. So, he put on a hula skirt and coconut bra and started dancing around them, still playing his banjo, but he was yet again ignored. So, he decided to use his last resort. K.G. slowly snuck up behind Link, banjo raised…

* * *

Link ran out of the Great Fountain screaming his head off when he respawned in front of the Great Fairy, who was (conveniently) taking a bath at that moment. The Great Fairy, in reverse to Link, simply shrugged and carried on with playing with her rubber ducky.

"AAAAGGH! IT BUUURNS!" Link screamed as he attempted to jump on K.G., who was talking to Navi in midair, in his fear. Unfortunately for Link, though, owls are not built for supporting a 100-pound fictional Hero of Time. Not even giant mutant owls. So, naturally, K.G. plummeted to the ground.

"You know," K.G. muttered as Link got off of him, "I still don't understand why everyone hates me. Navi tried to kill me when Link was in the Fountain (Navi looked up and waved), Link thinks I can fly him to 'happyhappyland,' even though I'm less than half his height, the lawyerskullwalltulla's just plain grumpy, and Chuck Norris likes to use me as a punching bag almost daily!"

Chuck Norris appeared behind K.G. then, roundhouse kicking him out of midair.

"You can't match the awesomeness that is Chuck Norris!" he boomed, striking a pose that would be called cheesy if it was anyone else doing it.

As K.G. flew by the group, both Link and Kasuto somehow grabbed one of his talons and hung on for their lives. As Navi watched, K.G. spiraled through the air in the direction of Kakariko Village. She made to follow them, but a presence behind her made her freeze up. She slowly turned around, only to be sent flying in the same direction as K.G. and his…passengers.

* * *

"Wow…It's so quiet here," said the guard in front of the entrance to Death Mountain. "I've been here for about four hours. You'd think something would have happened by now."

The guard sighed. "Well, it's the end of my shift, so I guess I should go get my replacement." He stood up and, as he grabbed his spear, something fell on it. Something with a floppy green hat.

"What the hell?" the guard exclaimed out of shock. Then, something with red hair fell onto it, followed by a giant bird, then finally, a flying lightbulb. The guard stared at his spear for a moment, then shrugged.

"Oh well. Free shishkabab!" The guard went into the village, intent on selling each of them for the highest price he could haggle out of some unsuspecting bastard.

* * *

Kasuto woke up and stretched slowly, feeling his joints pop back into place. "Whoo! That was a good nap!" It was then that he finally noticed that he was still impaled. "Oh. Fuck fate."

"**Hey!**" Farore shouted from a place far, far above him. "Get offa me, Din!" Kasuto ignored them.

"Now, why am I not dead from getting my heart pierced by someone's spear and then being roasted over a fire?" he wondered to himself. "Speaking of which, where's the others?"

* * *

**(Cutaway to Link)**

Link sat up in a bed. "Ugh. Where am I?" he asked, rubbing the back of his head. "And why do I feel like I'm missing something that's important for living?"

"Well, you don't need your brain, your spleen, your stomach, and your heart, do you?" asked a voice from the corner of the room.

Link was silent for a moment. "…I had to ask, didn't I?"

A witch walked into the firelight from a nearby fireplace, cackling. "Yes, sonny. Yes you did. Now, where's my bottle and wand?" Link gasped. "Not that kind of wand, sick bastard who's reading this. Fire the dimensional missile, Snake."

Snake put his hand over the old hag's mouth in panic. "Sh!" He swung his head around, looking to see if anyone had heard, then removed his mouth when he decided that the coast was clear. "In my business, you can't have anyone know who you are, where you are, or even speak your name. Comprende?"

The old witch nodded slowly, but Link still curious.

"So, you're a ninja?" Snake chopped the back of his neck, knocking him unconscious.

"Can you fire the missile now?" The witch asked. In response, Snake pulled out a remote control and pressed the big red button.

**(At some random house, in front of a computer screen)**

"This thing is stupid!" said a stereotypical teenager, sitting at his computer. "What's it gonna do, blow up on me?" His question was answered when his computer exploded in front of him, blowing a hole in the wall opposite him.

The teenager groaned from the ground. "I had to ask, didn't I?"

* * *

**(Cutaway to Navi)**

"Wake up, young Navi…Your quest is not complete..." whispered a voice from above her. Navi groaned and tried to sit up, but realized that there was a spear stuck through her.

"Yes, my goddesses?" she asked, compromising by sitting on place and staring at the ceiling, which seemed to have a rocky tinge to it… In fact, it looked extremely familiar, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it…

"…I'm not a goddess. Actually, I'm not even a girl," said the voice, sounding confused. Navi blinked. The blinked again as the face above her finally swam into focus.

"Shit," she muttered to herself as she finally recognized whom she had been calling a goddess.

"Good to know," said King Dodongo. "Nice to see that you're finally back with us, Navi. By the way, Gohma says hi." Gohma waved from the corner of the room, where she was doodling on a piece of paper.

"Why did you save me?" Navi asked, just as confused as Kingy had been. "Aren't you supposed to hate me? I did stab Gohma, and I betrayed you."

King Dodongo chuckled. "Oh, that's behind us now. We are here to offer you a proposition."

"Does it involve swords, stabbing people, and me doing the stabbing?"

"A lot, actually."

"Then I'm in!"

Kingy stared at her for a second. "You may want to take that thing out of your stomach, though."

Navi looked down where, sure enough, the spear was still trying its best to stab her, and shrugged. "Eh, it's just a flesh wound. Still hurts like hell, though." She pulled it out anyway.

"Good. Now, we are here to sabotage the other two in your group. Your first task is to…"

* * *

**(Cutaway to K.G.)**

K.G. got up, unstuck himself from his spear, and flew off. There was one seriously disappointed family in Kakariko village when they found out.

* * *

**(Cutaway back to Kasuto)**

Kasuto shrugged to himself. "I'm sure they're perfectly fine." And, ignoring the fact that he had a spear sticking out of the middle of his heart, he went back to sleep.

* * *

**I'm working on a few other projects right now, but I have a question: which should I focus on the most? Current titles and summaries are below, and if you want a preview, just PM me or something. There's also another Zelda fic, but I'm not starting that until Skyward Sword comes out, for plot reasons. **

**1****st****: Slave to the Dark, for Rosario + Vampire. Rating: T/M (undecided). Genre: Humor/Romance.**

**A werewolf mercenary. A human schoolkid. A vampire that is heir to a vast fortune. A harem of admirers. They all meet up at Yokai Academy, and their destinies will finally be fulfilled.**

**2****nd****: Something to Prove (tentative title), for Pokemon. Rating: T. Genre: Humor/Adventure**

**Matt and Blaze have been mistreated all their lives, for something they had no control over. Now, Matt finally sets out on his Pokemon journey, intending to find others like him.**

**3****rd****: Repentance and Revenge (tentative title), for Pokemon. Rating: M. Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

**A man seeks revenge for something that happened to him many years ago, upon all of humankind. Rating for depressed and angsty thoughts.**


	9. And the Crappy Subplot is Over!

**I seriously had trouble with this one. It just didn't want to be written. At all. And even now, I think I forced it a bit. Just warning my loyal readers, this one won't go down in history as a classic.**

**

* * *

****(Link)**

Snake tied Link's hands behind his back, tied his legs up so that they were folded up, stuck a gag in his mouth, and threw him into a nearby dumpster. "Mission complete."

Suddenly, Link popped up behind him. "You forgot my fairy!"

Snake stabbed him in the neck, and he fell back into the dumpster. "As I said; mission complete."

"What about –"

"Mission. Complete."

"But –"

Snake suck some C4 on Link, got a safe distance away, got out some popcorn, pressed the button, and watched the fun begin.

**

* * *

**

**(Kasuto)**

Kasuto stretched slowly, appreciating the time he had left to live. Of course, it was a mystery why he hadn't died yet from getting his heart stabbed, but that's a mystery that's already been solved (See: last chapter).

"I still don't know how the others are doing." Kasuto sighed. "I guess it's up to me to save them. Again." He pulled the spear out of his chest like it was nothing, set it aside, and got to his feet.

It was then that the family that had bought the Kasuto shish kabob came into the dining room, where Kasuto had been cooking. They stared, wide-mouthed as Kasuto nervously waved.

"Hi…"

"Kill him!"

Kasuto squeaked and ran for his life.

* * *

**(Navi)**

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared King Dodongo from the floor, in the middle of beating the ground with his fist. "He SERIOUSLY thought that he would fly on K.G.?"

"And then…" Navi gasped, "Chuck Norris roundhoused K.G. out of midair!"

"Haaa…" gasped Ghoma, wiping a tear from her eye. "Listening to your group screw up makes me think you don't even need our help!"

"No, we don't," agreed Navi. "It would be nice though. Just to solidify us failing."

"Hang on…" mused Kingy. "How come you're helping us, anyway? I thought you **wanted** to help the Deku Stump?"

"Meh," Navi answered with a shrug. "I don't really care who I side with, as long as I get to kill stuff."

Ghoma began motioning to King Dodongo to move away from the psychopath ASAP. Kingy, however, didn't notice her and continued talking.

"Oh, so you like to kill stuff too!"

"Yep. And it's even better when your victims can respawn, so you can kill them again!"

"A psychopath's dream…" said King Dodongo wistfully.

"You betcha," Navi replied, shaking her head.

* * *

**(Kasuto)**

Kasuto dove into the alley behind the potion shop and got out his Tanooki Suit. He had just finished pulling it on when he heard the voices of people coming closer.

"Crap! Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!" he thought anxiously, turning the suit on. He had just turned into his statue form when the people chasing him came around the turn into the alley.

Every single one of them paused. All of them had seen that weird boy go into this alley, yet there was nothing there apart from an old abandoned statue of somebody left in the middle of it, and about twenty feet behind it, there was a dead end.

"He must've gotten away," their leader muttered. Kasuto almost let out a sigh in his relief, which would've been very bad; his disguise was very flimsy, and would fall apart at the slightest movement. Kasuto's sigh, though, was a few minutes too early.

"That's an interesting statue, boys. I don't see why it wouldn't fetch a pretty penny if we sold it," the leader announced after examining the statue of Kasuto. Kasuto almost let out a squeak of fear in his panic.

* * *

**(Link)**

As you probably guessed, Link respawned outside Kakariko Village again, killing the guard who had sold the shish kabob out of surprise at his appearance. Link stared at the unmoving body for a moment, shrugged, and continued on his way.

He had to find Navi and Kasuto. They were his friends. He fought for his friends.

And yet, that was the complicated version of the explanation inside Link's head.

**(Cutaway to the inside of Link's head)**

A childish drawing of Link waved a sword around, yelling gibberish in speech bubbles.

"Ho! Hiyaah! Hut! Agh!"

Very mysterious, Link's head.

* * *

**(Navi)**

"So, we're settled?" asked Navi as she was getting up from her cozy spot on the cave floor. The group of villains and Navi had been sitting around, trading stories (including Ghoma, when she managed to get the courage to sit next to a pair of psychopaths) around a fire that Kingy had made by eating a lot of spicy foods and then breathing fire on a piece of ground. The resulting explosion eradicated the rest of the Gorons that had survived the previous explosion.

"Do we really need a narrator?" asked Navi. "They seem so expendable."

"Yes, yes we do," Ghoma answered with a sigh. "We would only be able to talk. We wouldn't be able to move. At all."

"I know," Navi argued, "but ours is so annoying."

"Touché…"

"Anyway," Kingy interrupted, "we've got to get moving. Those 'Light Warriors' won't fail by themselves."

Navi coughed.

"Alright," King Dodongo conceded, "they will fail. But they won't fail epically."

* * *

**(Kasuto)**

"Alright boys, just move 'im in here," ordered the general store shopkeeper, as the people who found Kasuto's statue (though they didn't exactly know that) brought him in, placing him in the store's window, so that anyone who passed by could see the statue of a boy crying out in pain.

Some people are really sick.

They really are.

I wonder where the others are.

Maybe they moved on.

Thoughts like this ran through Kasuto's head as he was placed in the window, letting people catch a glimpse of the newly-acquired statue of Kasuto, who looked to be in pain from something.

"Hey…that looks like Link!" thought Kasuto as he saw someone that looked familiar dart through the crowd.

It was Link.

* * *

**(Link)**

Link darted through the crowd, looking for any trace of his 'friends.' Or ice cream, whichever came first.

"Hey, that looks like Kasuto! Except, why's he standing in a window? And why's he standing still? And why's he look like that? What's the meaning of life? Why're we all here?"

The rest of the crowd parted around Link, all subconsciously deciding to avoid the kid who was talking to himself.

"I've got to talk to him!" Link decided. He darted through the crowd of people to the general store, and walked over to the window. He tapped the glass.

"HEY!" yelled the shopkeeper, making Link jump. "CAN'T YOU READ?"

He pointed to a sign on the window, which said 'don't tap the glass! Or you DIE!'

"You tapped the glass. THAT MEANS YOU DIE!" The shopkeeper pulled out a chainsaw, which looked suspiciously like Navi's old chainsaw…

"Hey look! A distraction!" Kasuto shouted from behind Link. Both Link and the shopkeeper stared in random directions. Kasuto sighed, grabbed Link and ran. Ee tapped the glass.

"Hey! I was looking for the distraction!"

* * *

**(Navi)**

People are beginning to think I'm going insane. What do they know?

Of course, the fact that I'm already insane helps.

Wait, why am I rambling inside my head?

Oh right, the insane part.

Oh hey, is that Link and Kasuto?

Why are they running?

Is that a shopkeeper chasing them?

Is that my chainsaw?

It is, isn't it?

…That guy is dead! No one can use my chainsaw other than me!

* * *

**(Link)**

Link heard an explosion from out of nowhere as he was running. He turned his head, saw something white speeding towards him, and saw blackness. Until he respawned again, of course.

Link respawned in front of the Kakariko graveyard, and saw someone with a yo-yo, holding it by the string. The person (they were wearing a hood) began swinging the yo-yo, and Link's eyes followed its' every movement…until the person was beheaded by someone with a chainsaw.

"I still got it!" cheered Navi, holding her chainsaw in midair. Something suddenly clicked in her brain, and she turned to look at Link, who was sweating. "Oh, Liiiink!"

* * *

**(Navi)**

After Navi had finished mutiliating Link's dead body, she paused. Her urge to kill had still not been sated. She needed more.

Navi turned to the nearest townsperson.

"Het townsperson.

"He, is there any place here where someone can kill indiscriminately?" she asked. The woman thought for a moment.

"Well, there's the inn…"

"Thanks. As a reward, you'll be the first to die!"

* * *

**(Kasuto)**

Kasuto walked into the inn, stood there for a moment, and rubbed his eyes.

"Is it just me, or were the walls brown last time we were here?" he asked. Navi turned around from where she was hovering in the middle of the room, bloodlust in her eyes.

"…Fuck."

Navi revved her chainsaw.

**Several hours later**

"Well, we're banned from ever setting foot in Kakariko Village again. Are you two happy?" Navi asked, glaring at the two of them.

"We didn't do anything!" Kasuto protested. Navi cut his head off. He respawned in front of them, tapping his foot.

"How many times can you do that, anyway?" asked Navi.

Kasuto shrugged. "Dunno."

Navi sighed. She would kill them all, anyway. "So, who here's happy?"

Link raised his hand. Navi chopped it off with her chainsaw. "Rhetorical question."

Link raised his other hand. Navi chopped that one off too. "I'm not answering that."

* * *

**Well…it's longer than the last chapter. That's gotta count for something, right? And, before I forget, I edited a few of the older chapters because when I was rereading this, several typos jumped out at me (not literally), but I don't think I got them all. **aHaa


	10. Zora's Party Domain

**Whoo! Double digits! Celebrate, people! Celebrate! Or Navi will pay you a…visit. Yeah, a visit…**

**Sometimes, it amazes me how much space I can fill with random crap.**

* * *

Once they had left Kakariko Village, Link pulled out a remote. Navi raised an eyebrow at him.

"Are you sure you want to do that, Link?" she asked.

Link's reply was some drool dribbling down his chin. "Good enough. Press the button."

Link pressed the big red button in the center of the remote. There was silence for a moment. Then…

"What was that?" asked Kasuto as he heard a loud noise.

"It's time for fun!" Link called. As he spoke, a giant Transformer house came barreling out of the forest at the other end of Hyrule Field. Navi's smile grew wider.

"ATTACK!" Link cried, pointing behind them at the village.

The Transformer charged past the group into the village. They all heard the satisfying noises of a village exploding behind them before they moved on to Zora's River.

* * *

"Well, at least we went out with a bang," Kasuto sighed dreamily, remembering all the wonderful explosions that had occurred during their leaving of Kakariko. Or at least, the smoking crater that used to be Kakariko Village.

"You're telling me," Navi agreed. "I don't think I've ever seen the inside of a human that burned before. Or inside-out. Or squished. Or interdimensional. Speaking of interdimensional, I think I saw a dimensional rift leading to a place where this adventure is just an interactive story with you as a little kid and me as an annoying fairy with the ability –"

"Stop," said Kasuto, putting his hand up. "The fourth wall is down."

"What's a fourth wall?" asked Link.

"A fourth wall is the ability to talk about things that shouldn't exist, plus knowing exactly what they are and how to use them to take over the world," said Navi, putting on a pair of glasses to make herself look smarter. They just made her look weird.

"…I don't think that's it," mused Kasuto. Navi glared at him.

"Do you have anything better?" Kasuto was silent. "I thought so."

* * *

"Well, this is it," said Kasuto as the group stood at the entrance to Zora's River.

"The end," Navi agreed.

"I'm hungry," stated Link.

"Aw, go soak your heads," muttered Navi as she shoved the other two into the river. Link eventually spluttered to the surface, dragging Kasuto with him.

"What was that for?" he exclaimed after he wrung his hat out. "I'm a psychopathic cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf! I have needs!"

"So, you finally admit it?" asked Navi.

"Admit what?"

"That you're a psychopathic cross-dressing pyromaniac shemale elf with a floppy green hat."

"I concede to all of that…except the psychopathic part."

Navi gasped. Kasuto gasped. Ghoma gasped. Kingy, who was using some kind of sight link with Ghoma, gasped. K.G., who was stalking them, gasped. The Goddesses gasped. The Deku Stump gasped. Argorock gasped. Saki Amamiya gasped. The person who's reading this groaned from all the gasping.

"What?" asked Link, confused.

"Y-you said concede!"

"…So?"

"I want my mommy!" wailed Kasuto running at K.G.'s hiding spot in fear. Navi managed to restrain him before he got there, though.

"There, there, don't cry," said Navi, trying to calm him down with a gentle head-pat with her slingshot. "We'll fix the big bad Link and his mean long words."

A giant meteor shot through the clouds and hit Link, killing him. Navi sweatdropped.

"Well, that's one way to fix him," she muttered to herself.

Link ran back up Zora's River when he respawned. "What'd I miss?"

Kasuto stabbed Link in the back with his sword, killing him again.

"That joke is used way too often," he muttered sourly. Link ran back in.

"What'd –"

Navi flashed her chainsaw at Link and he shut up.

* * *

"No, it's this way!" argued Link as he held the map. Kasuto grabbed the map away from him.

"No, it's this way!" he said, turning the map upside-down.

"This way!"

"This way!"

"Both of you, shut up!" screamed Navi, holding her ears. A whistling sound from above made them all look up.

"Oh look, a grenade," said Link nonchalantly. The grenade flew straight to where Ghoma was hiding above the waterfall. Ghoma tried to get away, but the grenade had a heat-seeking function that followed her eye.

"Close the goddamn eye!" yelled Kingy into his radio.

She closed her eye, just before the grenade exploded, throwing her over the top of the waterfall and into the river.

"Hey, it's Ghoma!" exclaimed Link as Ghoma floated past them.

Navi ignored him. After all, what were the odds that one of her partners-in-sabotage would be floating past them at that moment?

* * *

The group stood at the entrance to the waterfall, considering on what to do next.

"Let's blow it up!" decided Link. Navi slapped him.

"Idiot! If we blow up the waterfall, then we can't get in!" she scolded.

"Why can't we just do what we did earlier in the chapter?" asked Kasuto.

"Which part, the Transformer, the meteor, or the loss of the fourth wall?" Navi replied.

"All of them."

Navi thought about it for a moment. "…I like, I like… But what're we going to do about actually getting into Zora's Domain?"

"Go forward in time and then back in time so that it's fixed by a rift in the space-time continuum?"

Navi sighed. "Idiot. We can't go forward in time until we get the Master Sword, which we can't get until we get the Zora's Sapphire, which we get inside Zora's Domain, preventing us from going forward in time until we go back in time to fix the thing we need to go forward in time!"

"My head hurts…" moaned Link. He was ignored.

"But we don't know how to get in there!" argued Kasuto. "We could need to hit it with a meteor for all we know!"

Navi silently pointed to a triangle with three triangles in the middle on the ground in front of the waterfall.

"That could mean anything!"

Navi pointed at a sign next to the triangle.

"That could say anything!"

Navi wrote down what was on the sign and gave it to him. It read, "Play Zelda's Lullaby, you moron."

"That could be any Zelda's Lullaby!" he argued.

Navi pulled out her chainsaw and started it up.

* * *

Kasuto respawned in front of the gate.

"Why do I keep going back there?" he mused. "Why haven't I just gone home by now?"

A nuke blew up in the sky.

Kasuto was silent. "…That could be any nuke."

Another one blew up, closer.

"But I don't think I should take chances!"

A third nuke blew up. "Alright, alright, I'm going!"

**(At a nearby underground nuclear testing faculty)**

"Sir, we've gotten all of them under control now!" a soldier announced to his superior. "The strange signal that caused the nuclear missiles to launch is gone!"

The commander thought, stroking the beard that all commanders seem to have. "…I wonder why they could've been launching themselves?"

Far, far away, Navi cackled as she hit the button on one of her favorite remotes for a fourth time.

* * *

"Wow…" whispered Kasuto as he went through the entrance. "Lookit the pretty lights…"

The walls of Zora's Domain were covered in Christmas tree lights, and the lake was filled with waterproof lights. Hanging from the ceiling was a disco ball.

"There's nothing like this in the strategy guide!" said Navi as she frantically flipped through its pages. "Oh wait, nevermind, here it is: 'Zora's Domain has recently been renovated into a permanent disco party.' Well, _that's_ helpful."

"Party on, dudes!" yelled one of the nearby dancing Zoras.

"Dude, they're, like, new here," said another one.

"Alright, dudes!" cried a third Zora. "This place was, like, renovated sometime a few weeks ago, by order of our awesome king. His unawesome daughter was all, like, uncool with the new digs, so she went to Lordy Jabu-thingy to, like, cry in his fin or something."

The entire group was silent, which was a first.

"…What?" asked Link eventually. Kasuto shushed him.

"It's a surfer guy," he whispered to Link. "They're not very dangerous, but they can be really annoying when they want to be."

"Hey, dude, that was, like, uncool," muttered the Zora.

"Don't care," said Navi offhandedly. The Zora went off back to his friends, grumpily muttering under his breath.

"…Can we hit something with a meteor now?" asked Kasuto. Navi patted him on the head.

"Soon, my pet. Soon."

* * *

As the group turned the corner into the throne room, they all had to gasp and raise their hands in front of their eyes, to protect themselves from the sight that coming from within. For, within the throne room of the king of the Zoras, was King Zora, breakdancing, without a shirt on.

As they stood there covering their eyes, King Zora eventually caught sight of them and stopped, quickly put his shirt back on. He coughed, making them take their hands of their eyes to see if it was safe to look.

"You have done well to come this far," the king read off of a piece of paper. "However, it all ends now! Wait a second…" He flipped the paper over. "Whoops! This is my shopping list!"

"…How do you get a stereotypical final villain speech out of a shopping list?" asked Navi slowly. King Zora shrugged.

"I'm dyslexic, it's in the blood of the Zoras."

"Can you do me a favor?" asked Kasuto.

"Shoot."

"Can you never take your shirt off again?"

* * *

Navi sat up, rubbing her sore butt. "Did you have to get us kicked out of there? I was just about to ask him for the Zora's Sapphire!"

Kasuto shrugged. "Details."

"How're we going to get in there now?" asked Link. Navi smirked.

"Simple, Link. Kasuto, it's time."

Kasuto was happy. Very, very happy.

* * *

A gigantic meteor shot out of the sky and hit the entrance to Zora's Domain, causing a cave-in inside the cavern. Many, many Zoras died in the making of the footage of the impact for TV veiwing.

And, in front of Lord Jabu-Jabu, Kasuto stood there cackling loudly.

"That was awesome! I want to do it again!"

"Easy, there," Navi cautioned. "Link said that about his Transformer, so we're going to need to split between the two methods of destruction."

"…Does destruction mean you get to blow stuff up?"

"Yes it does, Kasuto, yes it does."

Link ran over to the two from the ruins of the cave. "Hey, guys, I found a bottle! And it's got something in it!"

Navi shrugged. "It's probably Ruto's message."

"Hey, Navi, what's pizza?" asked Link after looking at the message, which was a Pizza Hut flyer.

"…"

"Hang on, there something on the other side." Link flipped the paper over and gasped. "Navi! Someone needs help!"

Navi sighed as Link got all excited about the message.

"I must save him/her/it! CHARRRGE!" Link pulled out his sword and ran at Jabu-Jabu.

Navi blinked. One second, Link was there, and the next, he was gone. "Hey, Kasuto –" She turned to see that Kasuto was gone.

"Jabu-Jabu must be hungry," she decided. The next second, she had gone.

* * *

**And the moral of this chapter is: when all else fails, hit something with a meteor.**

**It's a good thing I got this chapter up before school started again, so I can tell you, even though you probably already know, that updates will need to slow down, thanks to schoolwork, plus the beginning of 8****th**** grade. Fun.**


	11. A Perverted Zora

**I've got to thank msfcatlover yet again for chapter ideas. You know what you did. I also have to thank Lord of the Storms 28, for ideas for the future of this fic. You'll see them eventually, especially cause they're so awesome I couldn't say no. **

* * *

"CHICKEN NUGGETS!" Link screamed as he woke up. Navi promptly tried to knock him unconscious, but failed for some reason.

"…Why am I wearing a tiara?" asked Kasuto, taking off said tiara.

"Because you're becoming like…Link…NO!" Navi screamed. "YOU'RE THE ONLY REMOTELY SANE PERSON HERE! I REJECT YOU BEING INSANE!"

"I reject," said Kasuto.

"…What?"

"I reject your rejection of my sanity. I was already insane." Navi flew over to the nearest wall and began banging her head on it. She finally stopped when she was too dizzy to fly and collapsed to the floor.

Navi turned around and saw what Link and Kasuto had been doing the entire time she had been attempting self-inflicted insanity: having a drinking contest.

"No, Kash, you gotsh to do it like thish," Link slurred. He tipped his bottle back, but most of the beer that came out landed on his face. Kasuto smiled.

"Oh, thatsh how you do it!" Kasuto flipped his bottle upside-down when it was over his head, but this time most of it landed in his mouth.

"Fuck you allsh!" Link cried, raising a fist halfway in the air before collapsing. Kasuto didn't last much longer.E ONLY REMOTELY

**(Ten seconds pass)**

"First Aid!" Raine called out. Link and Kasuto felt their alcohol leaving them and sat up.

"Where'd all the beer go?" asked Kasuto. Raine simply pointed behind them, where they had…basically, they had done a number one and number two at the same time from it, which created a huge mess in the middle of Lord Jabu-Jabu's mouth. Kasuto sighed and reached for the hem of his pants.

**(Censored for nudity, not gay sex for once)**

"Why the hell did you two do that?" shrieked Navi after uncovering her eyes. "I'm a virgin!"

"Wanna change that, dearie?" a passing Octorock asked. Navi cut its head off. The Octorock died. Navi smiled again.

"Well, I feel so unscarred after killing, let's move on!"

Raine nodded. "Yes, let's!"

"Quiet, you're just a cameo," said Navi. "DEATH TO THE CAMEO!"

* * *

The group was standing about ten feet away from the last time we left them, staring at something on the wall.

"Why is there a cow head there?" asked Link, staring at said cow head (rhyme!).

"…I don't know…" answered Navi, also just staring.

"If we knew why there was a cow head there, then all the questions humanity has on the universe would be answered simultaneously," stated Kasuto. Navi gasped.

"Kasuto! That was actually…smart!"

"What?" Navi sighed.

"You know what, nevermind. I still want to know why there's a cow head inside a fish. And speaking of fish…"

**(in another room)**

Ruto sat in the middle of Lord Jabu-abu's stomach.

"…I don't believe it. They fucking ditched me." Ruto shrugged. "Oh well. More Doritos for me."

**(back with the group)**

Navi turned to Link. "Have you noticed that every single dungeon we've been in, there's been a mouth that we had to go in?" Link gasped dramatically.

"You're right!"

"Of course I am."

"It must be a sign!" continued Link, ignoring her, "the sign of the cross!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Dude, that wasn't even close to funny," remarked Kasuto.

Link shrugged. "Sue me."

The Lawyerskullwalltulla coughed. "Do you require a lawyer, sir Kasuto?"

Kasuto pulled out a shotgun. "NO! NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!"

Lawyerskullwallyulla sighed. "Sir Kasuto, we're not even standing on a lawn. And even if we were, (how disturbing that would be…) you don't own this fish!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

There was much blood spilt.

* * *

"Ugh," Kasuto groaned as he stumbled into the next room. "Why'd you stab us, too?"

"Um… No reason," said Navi quickly, dropping her stack of notes on how to sabotage the party into the pit next to them. It hit an Octorock hiding underwater, knocking it out. The Octorock eventually and tragically drowned when it was trapped underwater underneath a giant rock. "Can we move on? Before I stab someone again?"

Link pressed a switch implanted in the door, which trigged a complex series of mechanics, grinding gears against each other until they produced a spark. The spark traveled down a prelaid path set down the middle of the inside of the door, until it reached a small set of logs. The logs burst into flames when the spark ignited, which caused a sprinkler system to go off, putting the fire out. The water from the sprinklers traveled down a small path until it collected in a small basin attached to a weight, which was attached to a pulley system connected to the top of the door. As the water collected, the weight was pulled further and further up.

In other words, the door opened, bitches.

In the center of the room was an annoying naked blue fish thing eating nachos, who was ignoring them. They walked over to her gangster-style. She still ignored them. Navi whipped Link and Kasuto into running around in circles while on fire, screaming their heads off. She ignored them even more. Navi pulled the pin out of a miniature grenade and threw it into Ruto's ear. Ruto's head exploded, but she was (somehow) still alive.

"I give up!" cried Navi, throwing her hands into the air. "You can just save your own ass, you cocksucking bitch, because we're not saving it for you!"

Ruto pouted. "I'm not a….whatever you said!"

"Cucksucking bitch."

"Yeah, that."

"You're an airhead, aren't you?"

"What's an airhead?"

Navi sighed. "Nevermind, you just answered my question."

Ruto pouted again. The pout looked really creepy on someone with nearly see-through skin. "Nooo! Tell me!"

"No."

"Fine then." She sat on the floor with her legs folded. "I will use my awesome Fishgirl Zora powers to make you carry me around until you tell me!" Ruto snapped her fingers.

"I…Don't feel any different," stated Navi. "You sure that worked?"

Ruto moaned loudly as Kasuto picked her up-bridal style. "Oh, that feels too good! More! MORE!"

* * *

"No…more…" Link groaned as he carried Ruto into a new room. The mutant fishgirl in question moaned for what was probably the four millionth time since they had picked her up. And they had only found her about five minutes ago.

"More! Make me your bitch! I need more!"

Navi pulled out something she liked to call Mr. Stabby and used it. There was much pain for the unfortunate **(snort)** Ruto.

It was then that Link did something very unfortunate. He stepped on a pair of jaws that was sticking out of the floor. With a very painful electric shock, a giant electric eel came sliding out of the fat that made up Lord Jabu-Jabu.

"Great, I have to save Link...Again!" cried Navi. "WHY? WHY?"

"Because I love everything about these two," answered Ruto, who had mysteriously recovered from a fatal stab to the head.

Navi stared at her. "…That didn't make any sense whatsoever." Then she remembered what fanfiction she was a part of. "…Fuck you all."

"We love you too, Navi!" said Ruto cheerfully.

Navi flew over to Jabu-Jabu's intestine's wall and pulled her head back.

* * *

Link sat up and rubbed his ass. "What just happened?"

Navi sighed. Being the only voice of reason could be tiring sometimes. "We just went into a room in which we needed Ruto for some stupid reason," here Ruto waved, "met a giant tentacle hell-bent on killing us, respawned, got ice cream, went back into the giant fish, met the murdering tentacle again, ran around in circles screaming, and eventually got thrown out for making too much noise. Happy now Link?"

"No! I will never support the system!" screamed Link. He got up and started running around in circles screaming random crap. Kasuto shrugged and joined him. Navi facepalmed silently.

"We're doomed."

* * *

**Okay, I cut it off here because writing the full dungeon was taking too long, and it's been a little while since I updated this. Anyway, the next chapter'll be longer, I promise! Scout's honor! Even though I'm not a scout...**

**Yes, there were cow heads in the game. They were just in OoT: Master Quest. Now you can't flame me for inaccuracy! Of course, the fact that you flamers waited this long mystifies me. I thought there were more of you.**


	12. God VS Chuck Norris

**Nothing to say this time. Move along, nothing to see here. Continue onto your story of stupid gag humor, dumb jokes, and no plot to speak of. You have been warned.**

* * *

The group got into their football huddle.

"Okay!" Navi hissed to the other three, "Here's the plan. Link and Kasuto, you two distract that thing," here, the giant Octorock waved, "me and Ruto will sit back and watch a movie. Understood?"

Link raised a hand.

"Can we stab it? With swords?"

Navi sighed.

"Fine, you can stab it. Just kill it or something so we can move on and get the Zora's Sapphire from this drooling idiot so we can go into the future, bla bla bla."

Link and Kasuto cheered and ran at the giant Octorock, swords drawn. Navi and Ruto quickly sat down and pulled out hammocks, sunglasses, and neverending tropical juice glasses.

"Ah, this is the life," sighed Navi. Link screamed as the Octorock ran into him. "Rest, relaxation, and entertainment. What more could I ask for?" Kasuto screamed as the Octotock pulled out a shotgun and blew it up in his face. "Ah yes, that kind of entertainment."

* * *

**(Half an hour later)**

Link and Kasuto dragged themselves back over to Navi, both beaten and bloody. Kasuto was missing an arm. "Can we leave now?"

"And stop this quality entertainment? HELL, NO!" Navi pulled out a giant boxing glove attached to a spring and aimed it at the other two. They flew backwards and landed in a giant pit. Navi took another sip of juice as their screams filled the air.

"Ah, music to my ears."

"Not mine!" cried Ruto. "What if they get hurt?"

Navi stared at her for a second, then stared at the pit. An arm flew out and hit Ruto in the eye. Navi burst into peals of laughter.

"Die!" She pulled the trigger of her boxing glove-thingy and sent Ruto into her now-favorite thing since finding her chainsaw again.

* * *

"And that's why we should never let Tom Cruise come up with our jokes again!" Navi snapped at the other two. Link cowered behind a nearby…intestine thingy, and Kasuto was trying and failing to hide behind a giant jellyfish. Navi sighed at his idiocy.

"…I'm not going to say anything. She'd just mess it up, anyway." Five feet away, Ruto poked a jellyfish. The jellyfish came to life and electrocuted her, since no jellyfish likes being poked by a giant perverted mutated fish-woman. "Point proven."

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?" Ruto asked dizzily. Navi gasped.

"Ruto, don't –" But it was too late.

Chuck Norris was there. And he was mad.

"Never use the name of Norris again!" he yelled, so awesomely that the dimension collapsed and rebuilt itself around a giant stadium, complete with a cheering crowd. The announcer spoke up.

"In the red corner, at five foot ten and a hundred and eighty-six pounds, Chuck Norris!" Chuck Norris appeared out of nowhere and started cheering the crowd on.

"And in the blue corner, at however tall he wants to be, and however the hell much he wants to weigh, God!" God appeared in a flash of white light, surrounded by angels.

"This is a fight to the death! Whoever survives this fight is the winner! Ready, GO!"

The group began cheering with the rest of the crowd as Chuck Norris started the fight with a vicious uppercut that would have killed God had he not have been…well, God.

"Hmm, you're not going to hold back either?"

Chuck Norris nodded awesomely. "I cannot be beaten!"

God chuckled foreshadowingly. "We shall see."

The fight that followed was just too epic for words to describe. The only thing this narrator can say about it was that it ended in a double final blow, as all epic fights must.

Chuck Norris and God stood across from each other, panting for the breath they were too awesome to need.

"This has been a good fight," God stated, nodding at his opponent. "This will also be the final blow."

"May the most manly man win!"

They charged at each other, fists pulled back, and punched.

The resulting impact created an explosion that wiped out the entire known universe, making God and Chuck Norris decide to join forces and rebuild the universes exactly the way they were before they met.

* * *

"What the hell just happened?" asked Navi, who was confused as hell. The general reply from the other two was the same.

"…I have no clue."

* * *

"Are we at the boss's room yet?"

"No, Link."

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Link."

"Are we there yet?"

"No, Link."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we –"

"NO!"

Link was silent for a moment. "Are we there yet?"

Navi flew over to the nearest wall and started banging her head on it until she could barely fly.

* * *

"Where's the Zora's Sapphire?" Link asked the gathered Pikmin. "Didn't I send you guys to get it in Dodongo's Cavern?"

"Your Olimar mask was broken, it didn't work," one of the Pikmin replied dully. "Form up, troops!"

The Pikmin gathered together into a line in front of Link. Then, the first of about two hundred kicked Link in the balls.

"Fuck!" Link screamed as he collapsed into the fetal position. The next Pikmin stepped up and kicked him in the nuts again before pulling out a knife and stabbing itself in the arm.

(**fifteen minutes later**)

"I think I'm gonna die..." Link moaned from the ground, where he was clutching his groin.

"Can you still masturbate?" asked Navi as Link sat on the ground, moaning.

"I think so…" He fell unconscious as Navi kicked him in the balls.

"So weird, but so satisfying!"

* * *

"…What the hell are those things?"

"…I don't know."

"Well, kill them you two!"

Link and Kasuto leapt toward the pair of giant red blobs that looked like tongues. The blobs, though, had other idea. Zappy ideas.

"OW!" Kasuto yelled as he was electrocuted.

"DOUBLE OW!" Link shouted as he was also electrocuted.

"I BET I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOU!"

"BRING IT, BUDDY!"

"WAAAH!"

"WAAARGH!"

"NE!"

"NE!"

"NE!"

"EKKE EKKE EKKE EKKE PTANG ZOO BOING ZOW ZING!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"...Yes, master…"

* * *

The group opened a door, only to come face-to-face with a figure in a blue cloak, with a straw-colored pointy wizard's hat that hid his face in its shadow.

"Who're you?" asked Navi.

"I'm the wizard who did it," the figure answered. Navi facepalmed.

"Be more specific."

"There are some who call me…Tim."

"Tim?"

"Tim."

The figure pointed at the inside of Jabu-Jabu's groin, and there was an explosion.

"Who are you?" he asked.

(**fast-forward**)

"Stop doing that!" Kasuto yelled.

"Who are you talking to?" Tim asked. He pointed and there was another explosion, this time in Jabu-Jabu's spleen.

Navi facepalmed yet again.

"Can we just move on, people?"

"Fine, I will see you never again," stated Tim. "I am going to avoid you for the rest of my life, and if I have to meet you, then I will commit suicide."

* * *

"WHO GOES THERE?" a voice roared out of nowhere as the group went through the door.

"Us!" squeaked Navi out of fear for the unknown.

"WHO IS US?"

"Kasuto noneofyourdamnbuisness." Kasuto struck an incredibly cheesy pose.

"Navi. Just Navi," said the fairy with a sweatdrop.

"...Link."

Navi and Kasuto looked at him in surprise.

"That's weird," muttered Kasuto to himself. "I could have sworn you had a last name."

"N-no I don't!"

"You stuttered. That means you have a last name."

"I don't!"

"Fine." Navi pulled out her chainsaw. "First I'll cut teeny-tiny pieces of flesh off of you in the most painful way possible. Then I'll cut your limbs off and watch you scream in agony. I'll castrate you. And finally -"

"I give, I give!" Link cried, looking panicked.

"Then what's your name?"

Link muttered something under his breath.

"What was that?" Navi revved her chainsaw for emphasis.

"Link in Park, alright?"

Navi and Kasuto burst out laughing, along with the giant voice...thing, whom we all know is Barinade.

"AH, MEMORIES." The voice paused for a moment. "BUT I STILL CAN'T LET YOU GO."

"Please?" Navi squeaked.

"…DIE!" A trapdoor opened beneath the group and they fell through… only to land in the water outside Lord Jabu-Jabu.

"…Well, that wasn't very dramatic," stated Navi.

"Hey¸ where's Ruto?" Link's answer came as someone wrapped their arms around his neck. "Fuck you, life."

"Aw, that's no way to talk, Sweety," purred Ruto, stroking Link's hair. Link screamed and threw her over him.

"Don't touch the hair!" he cried, sobbing as he put his hair back into place. "It always takes so long to fix it every day!"

"Cross dressing pyromaniac shemale elf!"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"I've got the Zora's Sapphire!" yelled Navi, holding up the gem. "Let's split!"

* * *

**And another suggestion from Lord of the Storms 28! Guess it, I dare you! In other news, I was bored of no Chuck Norris in this fic. And, needless to say, I'm just guessing his height and weight here. In yet more news, the reason there's so many Monty Python references is the fact that I just finished watched '...and the Holy Grail' about fifteen minutes before I was finishing this chapter up.**

**Vegeta, what's our viewer count so far for this story?**

**Vegeta: It's over NINE THOOOUSAND!**

**Well, since Vegeta's said it, you people are gonna have to believe him! VEGETA CANNOT LIE!**


	13. The Unlucky Chapter

**Here it is, the (un)lucky chapter 13. ENJOY, BITCHES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahem. Just…go read your chapter of weird, unfunny scenes, cut and pasted together randomly, just like always! Enjoy! Nothing will happen if you don't review! (Whistles innocently and kicks a trash can filled with random mutilated body parts behind a nearby dumpster) On with the torture!**

* * *

"I have no idea how we got away, with the Zora's Sapphire no less," Kasuto stated dully. Behind them, a large group of Zoras was laying around in various stages of unconsciousness. One started to stir, but Navi knocked it unconscious again.

"It was thanks to my favorite button, remember?"

"…Which button was that again? I recall you calling at least two different buttons your favorite throughout the course of the story."

"Check the previous chapters, Kasuto. I only called my time-stopper remote my favorite button!"

"LIAR!"

"LIAR!"

"LIAR!"

"CHAINSAW!"

"LI- oh."

Kasuto died of a forcibly removed head that day. No one mourned him, no one missed him. Navi pissed on his grave Until he respawned for the millionth time this fanfic, that is. Then Navi couldn't piss on his grave.

* * *

"Damn you, Navi. Damn you." Kasuto gave Navi the middle-finger salute as he spoke.

"Hey, I'm the group psychopath! It's my job!" she protested in response. "I can't do anything other than kill people! Killing is my life!"

"…Are we ever going to get anywhere in this chapter?" cut in Link. Navi screamed.

"You… you actually said something smart! RUN TO THE HILLS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, PEOPLE! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING!"

"Um…what?" Navi pulled out a sledgehammer and threw it at the back of Link's head. Then she pulled out a sword and cut Link's penis off. Then she cut a leg off. Then the other one. Then his arms. And then, finally, his head. Navi shoved a lit grenade down Link's throat and flew as far away as her wings would carry her in five seconds. Kasuto looked confused.

"Why are you running, Navi?" he asked innocently.

She didn't answer. The explosion that demolished Zora's Domain two seconds later answered him for her.

* * *

"Let's go, you two! Move it!" Navi cracked her whip through the air. Link and Kasuto groaned as they dragged the giant boulder up Death Mountain. "We need to get this thing up to the top before sundown!"

"Yes sir!"

"I'M A WOMAN, DAMMIT!" Navi cracked her whip again. "For that, you get a hundred lashes each!"

And so they pulled.

And pulled.

And pulled.

And pulled.

(**A bunch of hours later**)

"Whew…We're finally at the top!" Link wiped sweat from his forehead as he spoke. "We finally get to use this giant rock!"

"Yeah…use…" said Navi, looking around shiftily. "By the way, can you two stand behind that thing? Next to the edge?"

"Sure!" Link and Kasuto walked behind the boulder they had taken so long to drag up Death Mountain.

Navi flew up behind them and grinned. "Adios, amigos!" Navi gave their giant rock a hard shove. The boulder flew down Death Mountain, through the smoking crater that was Kakariko Village, into Hyrule field, into the Gerudo Valley, and through one of their explosives factories.

Needless to say, the gods had to restart from scratch on that one.

Navi hovered in place laughing her head off. "Oh…Goddesses…that was awesome!" She frowned. "Now I have to return the whip to Indiana Jones, though... Damn, cross-dimensional traveling is exhausting."

"HI!"

Navi squeaked and whirled around in midair. "What the hell? **I pushed you two off of fucking Death Mountain! Why are you still alive?**"

_**The author doesn't need those two dying on him, he needs them to run his criminal empire consisting of drugs, booze, strippers, and killer hippies. No matter how stupid the two of them are.**_

"Cut the crap, I know that's you, Brick!"

…_**Was it really that obvious?**_

"You're the only person around here that speaks with those fancy text thingys."

_**Fuck you, Navi. Fuck you.**_

"I live to piss people off."

* * *

"Banned... For… Life? We didn't even visit here!"

"Navi, these things happen…"

"Kasuto, I'd suggest shutting up. _Now_."

Kasuto promptly shut up.

Navi turned back to the tablet she had been scanning, at Lake Hylia. "I just can't understand this damn writing! Either of you been to high school?"

"Nope!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson!"

Kasuto and Navi stared at Link like he'd grown another head.

"…What the hell?"

"Get him!" screamed Navi. "We can't have him smart!"

* * *

"What happened? Did I lose the battle?" Navi stared open-mouthed at the just-awakened Link.

"Sure, whatever. Let's go."

"Where to?"

"Someplace very familiar to you two..."

"Is it Disneyworld?"

"...Sure, let's go with that."

* * *

Navi laughed evilly as she pushed Link and Kasuto off the top of Death Mountain.

* * *

Unluckily for Navi, Link had accidentally grabbed her wings as he fell, and now the three of them were sitting in the Castle Town moat, covered in water. The drawbridge was pulled up, and Kasuto could have sworn it had grown eyes and a mouth, and was laughing at him. That might have been a side-effect from the marijuana he'd inhaled while rolling down Death Mountain, though.

"Alright," said Navi, flying into the air, "I get the funny feeling that something storyline-related is going to happen right about…now!"

She pointed dramatically at the drawbridge, which stayed exactly where it was.

"I said…now!"

Again, nothing happened.

"Dammit, something happen!"

The drawbridge flattened her the next instant.

"I hate you all…" she moaned.

A white horse ridden by Impa and Princess Zelda rode over the drawbridge, and Navi.

A moan echoed from under the drawbridge, soon to be silenced by a black horse, ridden by our favorite emo druggie with red hair and black armor that we haven't heard from since about ten chapters ago.

"Argh! She got away! And I wanted to molest her, too!" A blue ocarina flew from the direction Zelda and Impa had ridden in, striking Ganondorf on the forehead and knocking him out. His horse panicked and ran back into Castle Town, at one point stepping on Navi, who was just about to get out from under the drawbridge.

"Pain…" was all that the other two could hear. "So much pain..."

"Having some problems?" someone asked from next to Kasuto. "I'm always willing to help…for a price."

"Yeah, can you get us into the Temple of Time?" asked Navi, who had "borrowed" one of Link's fairies.

"I give you my offer. I teleport you to the Temple of Time, you sign this here contract, entitling you to a certain…responsibility," said the Lawyerskullwalltulla, pulling out a contract with a flourish.

"I don't know…" said Navi. "Let's think about it –"

"Yoink!" Kasuto grabbed and signed the contract in messy script, and the three of them disappeared in a giant beam of light from out of the sky. The Lawyerskullwalltulla chuckled to itself.

"Idiots…"

* * *

**(Three days later)**

"…How is it that it took us so long to get here and how the hell are you two still not dead?" Navi shrieked at the top of her lungs when they finally appeared in front of the Temple.

"The author," stated Link. Nothing more needed to be said.

Kasuto suddenly swore violently.

"Goddammit! I forgot the sacred line!"

"What sacred line?" asked Link.

"The sacred line for when a giant beam of light teleports you from out of the sky!"

"Which is…?"

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

Kasuto promptly disappeared in a beam of light from out of the sky.

* * *

**You're right, Foxpilot. I should leave a will to you people. To (insert random ff username here), I leave…a penny. To (insert another random username here), I leave… a stick. To (insert yet another random username here), I leave… the Mona Lisa. Hope you enjoy your stuff, ciao!**


	14. AWESOME! SWORDS!

**Sorry about the lateness; I've had a literal mountain of schoolwork to go through before I could write this chapter. But enough bitching from me; this story is for the enjoyment of you, the reader. So enjoy! Then Navi won't have to get dicey (especially since she gets something new in this chapter. Navi with a new toy. FUN!). Also, longest chapter in a WHILE! Edit: by a grand total of 200 words. God, I'm awesome. By the way, I forgot to add this in the original post: happy Halloween all! If you see someone in a gray hoodie dressed as Jason Voorhees, that's probably me! **

* * *

Kasuto and Link walked into the Temple of Time, while carrying some cotton candy, to see Navi tapping her foot on midair.

"Are you two done at the carnival yet?" she hissed. "I'm only getting older here!"

"Whatever," stated Link passively, waving her off.

Navi jabbed her thumb over her shoulder, at the monument at the back of the hall. "Put the goddamn Spiritual Stones in there and let's go!"

"Sure, lemme just throw my cotton candy out," replied Link. He took the last bite out of his candy and threw the trash over his shoulder, out the door. It landed on Ganondorf, who had followed the group into the temple. Kasuto shrugged and threw the rest of his candy over his shoulder as well. It also landed on Ganondorf.

Ganondorf stood there silently, taking it like the man he was.

Navi rubbed her chin as she examined the pedestal in front of her. "…I think you're supposed to put the Stones here, here, and here," she stated, gesturing to each of the slots in turn.

"Yay! I get to stick my thingy into a hole!" cheered Link. Navi glared at him.

"Not funny. Not at all."

"Well, excuuuse me, princess!"

Navi huffed angrily. "Just put the stones in the holes before I do something painful, that no lame references to lame 80's cartoons will save you from!"

"You know," the author remarked as Link slotted the Goron's Ruby in place, "you've really lost the quality threats recently. Just saying."

"Shut up," Navi growled in response. "Or I'll throw you into a cage of sex-crazed Stalfos."

The author gulped. "Nevermind, you're good."

Navi grinned evilly. "I know."

* * *

As Kasuto stuck the Zora's Sapphire into its slot, the wall in front of them slid down, revealing a room behind it. The group looked around in awe as they walked in.

"You know," Kasuto said out of nowhere, "this room just screams 'trap!' to me."

Ghoma, King Dodongo, and Barinade whistled innocently from their hiding place in the shadows.

"What makes you think that?" asked Navi innocently.

"The whistling that's coming out of nowhere, the creepy music…"

Navi gestured at Ghoma, who turned off the record player that the creepy organ music was coming from, returning the room to its normal theme of music.

"Okay, nevermind, let's go!"

The group walked to the middle of the room, where a pedestal stood bearing three items, along with a creepy old guy wearing an orange robe.

"…Who're you and why're you here?" asked Navi with a raised eyebrow.

"I am that priest dude who gives you awesome items for free because they're taking up space and they're made of cheap breakable Chinese plastic.

"For you, Link, the Master Sword; the blade of evil's bane; the ultimate lockpick; the world's best car-tire-deflator.

"For you, Kasuto, the Clock Sword; the Sword of Time; the ultimate time machine; the number-one steroid; the ultimate nosepicker.

And for you, Navi, the Omega Trigger; the ultimate weapon –"

The old man had to run for his life when the group ran forward and grabbed the stuff off of the Pedestal of Time.

"Awesome!" cried Kasuto as he activated the Clock Sword and nothing seemed to happen. But then –

"EW! SOMEONE JUST PICKED MY NOSE!"

* * *

"So, now that the three of us have pretty much infinite power, what do you two wanna do?" asked Navi as they went outside.

"I want to –"

Link was cut off as a man wearing a green floppy hat and dress, a red-haired guy in a pants suit, and a manly fairy with a beard appeared behind them, knocked them all out, and dragged them into a glowing portal: the Sacred Realm. Insert suitably epic music here.

* * *

**SEVEN YEARS LATER…**

"Ow… What hit me…?" Link sat up. "Where the hell am I? Navi? Kasuto? Narrator-guy?"

"**WHO DARES ENTER MY REALM?**" yelled a mysterious voice.

"Wah! Where's that voice coming from?"

Navi sighed. "Link, you're looking the wrong way."

"Now it's all dark and bluey!"

"That's because you're looking at the floor." Navi sighed and turned to the person next to her. "Whaddaya want? I've got a new world to conquer."

"Link's still waking up," said the mysterious old man who gave them their stuff.

"Hey, what's down theeeeeeeeeeeeeere…" Link's scream was cut off as he respanwed next to the three on the pillar. "Cool! I wanna do that again!" He jumped off the edge of the platform again. And respawned next to Kasuto. "That was fun!"

And they both jumped in, giggling like idiots.

"Now will you admit he's a drooling retard?" asked Navi.

"Yeah, but he's smarter than he was before!" the old man replied.

"Actually, I think he's gotten stupider. Both of them."

They turned to look at Link and Kasuto, who were having a contest to see who would respawn last after jumping off the platform.

"Doesn't respawning that much hurt?" the old man asked. Navi's response was a shrug.

"It's a game mechanic thing."

* * *

**AN HOUR LATER…**

"Aren't they bored yet?"

"Nope, they can go on for days if you let them."

* * *

**ANOTHER HOUR LATER…**

"Alright boys, time to go!" Navi called sweetly.

"Awww," groaned Kasuto. "Five more minutes?"

"Actually die and you can have ten."

"Sweet!"

"…minutes in the afterlife before I commit suicide and EVISCERATE YOUR SOULS!"

"…Mommy…"

* * *

"You three must use the weapons I have given you for good, because good is the only thing life's worth living for! That and raping defenseless little kids." Rauru nodded to himself as he spoke. "Raping little kids is fun. Remember kids, always listen to the creepy old man in the orange dress."

The group sweatdropped.

"Now, you must promise me you will never use them against the defenseless again! …Please?"

"…" No one answered him.

"I'll give you this picture if you don't attack random people for the rest of your – what?" Rauru looked at his hand, where the picture was gone. "I knew I shouldn't have given them the Clock Sword."

* * *

"Spill it, Kasuto, what's the picture!" Navi demanded.

Kasuto was staring at the picture in shock.

"…Kasuto?"

He gave a start. "Huh? What?"

"Hand it over."

Kasuto began sweating nervously.

"Um… It's kind of boring…"

"Give it or die."

"Um…"

"Die."

"No, wait! Take it!" Kasuto threw the picture…and Navi missed it as it blew away in the wind. "NOOOO!"

"Alright, what was on it?"

Kasuto sobbed. "It was porn! Awesome porn!"

"Porn is important," Link agreed. "Porn is very important."

"…I'm straight, you guys know that, right?"

"You are? I thought you were gay!"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you have violent tendancies associated with people who want to come out with their sexuality, but can't!"

Navi gasped.

"That actually sounded smart! DIE!"

* * *

"Hey, where's all my crap?" Link shrieked. "I'm missing all of my stuff!"

"You finallyrealized that?" Navi rolled her eyes. "Actually, nevermind, it's you. You need no explanation."

"Where do you keep your stuff?" asked Kasuto.

"My hat."

Kasuto gasped. "Really?"

"Yep. I kept my Slingshot, Bombs, Deku Sticks, Deku Nuts (insert mandatory male anatomy joke here), my DSi, my favorite mug, my cell phone, my fridge, my wallet, several random pieces of paper, my collection of Shinies, my 1-Up mushrooms…"

"We get the point, Link," cut in Navi. "And if you were wondering where it all went, I woke up about half an hour before you two and was bored."

Link was almost afraid to ask. "What'd you do?"

"I gave it all to Ruto," Navi grinned.

Link screamed. "AAAAAAAAHH! MY HAT! SHE TOOK MY HAT!" He promptly fainted.

* * *

"Hey, what gives? First the towns full of zombies, now this?" Link shrieked. They were standing where, seven years earlier, the gatehouse would have been, looking at a completely different Hyrule Castle; one that had Ganondorf written all over it.

"Have you finished writing my name on the castle ten thousand times yet?" Ganondorf screamed.

"Sir no sir!" the Iron Knuckle, who was carrying a bucket of red paint and a giant paintbrush, answered.

"Well, keep at it! I want everyone who looks at this castle to know that this is MY castle! MINE!"

The group sweatdropped. Then, Navi began smiling.

"Heyyy, Liiink…" Link turned around. "There's a spider on your head."

"AAAAAGGGGGGGHHH!" Link slowly screamed, slowly running around in circles swatting at his hair. "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!" In his panic, Link didn't realize that he was slowly getting closer to the edge, until he slowly stepped off, and slowly fell into the moat of lava, slowly screaming. He slowly disappeared under the lava, still slowly thrashing around.

Navi slowly laughed as she slowly hit the button on her remote. "It's a good thing msfcatlover gave me this back! I would have killed her if she hadn't!" Then she sighed. "Of course, since the two of them respawn indefinitely, he's gonna come back, right about…now."

And she pushed Kasuto and Link back into the lava pit, cackling the whole time.

* * *

…**And here's art for the Clock Sword, courtesy of the person who gave me the idea for it (you know who you are): http:/ rinsoevrest. / gallery /#/ d2y92al (remove the spaces). And the Omega Trigger: http:/ rinsoevrest. /gallery/ #/d2ybka6 (again, remove the spaces). Did anyone noticed the shameless advertising in the story? BTW, I got this up before NaNoWriMo, so you won't see me again until... December, at the earliest. I know, joy.**


	15. Are We Getting There Anytime Soon?

**And NaNoWriMo is over! *throws confetti in the air* Celebrate, people! You get another chappie of idiots! Don't you just love 'em? C'mon, you've gotta love 'em by now, if you've endured fifteen chapters of this crap. And look, I even worked my butt off for the past two and a half hours getting this ready. Doesn't that mean something?**

* * *

"I hate you," Kasuto muttered angrily to Navi as they exited Castle Town. "I didn't even do anything!"

"Do you exist?"

"…Yeah."

"Do you like to exist?"

"…Yeah."

"Do you like Justin Bieber?"

"…Yeah."

Navi smirked. "Then you did something."

"Why you –"

"Now now," Navi said, wagging her finger at him. "Who's the one with the apocalyptic black box here?"

"You," answered Link.

"Exactly," replied Navi. "I'd shut up if I were you."

"But Naaaaavi!" Link whined. "I wanna go to Pizza Hut!"

Navi was silent for a moment. "Link, I hate to break it to you, but there won't be any –"

"Found one!" Link squealed, pointing to a nearby building. Spray-painted onto one of the windows was a message that said: "This building is not a trap for Navi, Link, and Kasuto made by Ganondorf to get them out of his way."

"Welp, let's go in!"

Navi sighed, and went in after them. This group's stupidity knows no bounds.

"HEY!" shouted the little man-fairy who had a nasty habit of being able to read between the lines. "I AM NOT A MAN-FAIRY!"

I've seen your junk. You're a man-fairy.

"That's…disturbing." Navi shivered. "Why've you been looking at my junk?"

Because I see all and know all. Even things I don't want to know.

"Can we just go in there now?" asked Link.

"NO!"

NO!

"Fine, fine, don't get your panties in a knot."

As you can probably imagine (and you probably know this by now, because if the past fourteen chapters didn't tell you anything, I going to have to call you an idiot here), there was pain for Link and Kasuto.

* * *

The group was gathered in front of a gravestone, where a priest was reading the last rites.

"We are gathered today to remember Link, who was brutally killed by Navi after he made fun of her panties. Does anyone have something to say?"

Kasuto stepped in front of the grave.

"You were the best friend I ever had, Link. I'm gonna miss you old buddy!" He proceeded to grab to gravestone in a hug and held on, crying fiercely yet dramatically.

Navi was next.

"Link, you were my favorite way to work out all my anger. Even more than Kasuto." Kasuto let out another sob. "I will always remember you as 'that idiot who always made fun of me because he was too stupid to know otherwise.' Goodbye."

Link was last.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Link!" he bawled, and proceeded to join Kasuto.

Navi rolled her eyes. "Kasuto, Link respawned again. You can stop now." The two of them gasped, and proceeded to hug each other in joy.

"Link!"

Kasuto!"

"Link!"

Kasuto!"

"Link!"

Kasuto!"

"Link!"

Kasuto!"

"Link!"

Kasuto!"

"DIE!"

"Li-ow."

There was much pain for the two of them, before and after they respawned for the millionth time. The author needs to come up up with something new for them... Huh, what's this? Oh. It seems I have been fired. Well then, I'll take this time to say something. *Ahem*

TheBrick IS A FUCKING JACKASS WHO MASTURBATES TO IMAGES OF LITTLE BITCHES IN TIGHTS LIKE CHRISTOPHER ROBIN, BATMAN'S SIDEKICK, AND THAT ONE KID FROM TWO-AND-A-HALF MEN! HE CAN GO TO HELL, FOR ALLL I CARE! HE'S A FUCKING - ow. Bitch.

* * *

Elevator music plays as the author searches for yet another new narrator. Please be patient, this may take a while.

* * *

Thank you for your time. Now, we shall continue the story.

* * *

"I think we should go to Kakariko," suggested Link as the group poured over a map of Hyrule. "It looks funny." Indeed, it did: it was now a town, instead of a crater, like it had been the last time they were there.

Navi rolled her eyes.

"Why should we go there? I mean, it's not like I don't trust your opinion (I don't, by the way), but don't you have a better excuse for going there than it looks funny?"

BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO!

"Mama mia…" Navi whispered in an Italian accent, right before the explosives the narrator had planted beneath their feet detonated.

* * *

Sheik stood at the entrance to Castle Town, tapping his foot impatiently. "Where the hell are they? This is the only way out of here, and there's bloodthirsty zombies everywhere!" He stabbed a ReDead that had been sneaking up behind him in the throat with a needle, killing it instantly.

"They should've been here by now! They'd better not have made the narrator angry again, or I'm going to do something painful."

* * *

"I wanna go home…" Link whined as the group was going across Hyrule Field. "This place is painful, there are spiders in places I didn't even know existed, and Barney keeps stalking me!"

They all turned around, only for a certain demonic purple dinosaur to quickly duck out of sight.

"Link, all three of those points are good excuses, but that's exactly what they are: excuses. Now hurry up, or you'll get left behind!"

Link turned around. Both Navi and Kasuto were several hundred feet farther away than they had been just two seconds before. He glanced at Barney, who was giving him an extremely creepy face from behind the tree. Link shivered.

"WAIT FOR ME!"

Behind him, Barney groaned. Great, more work for the creepy purple dinosaur. He pulled out a notebook and a pen.

Dear Diary

Stalking is a tiring business. Only the best should try to stalk. My stalking target tried to get away from me yet again, but he hasn't even gotten out of sight yet!

Link ducked around a tree.

Okay, scratch that. But he hasn't gotten away yet! I'll find him, and when I do, I'll be doing the most naughty things I can think of to him! I should go now, before he gets away.

Kisses, Barney the Dinosaur.

Barney capped his pen and set out after Link, whistling gaily.

* * *

"Screw it, I'm gonna have to go find them." Sheik took out a Deku Nut and threw it at the ground, causing a bright flash. "AGH! MY EYES! I CAN'T SEE!"

Sheik stumbled around, rubbing his eyes to try and get them to work again. He stumbled over a bucket on the ground, making him fall into what used to be the Bazaar.

Straight into their bomb section.

The explosion caused made the elimination of Kakariko Village seven years before look like a little pop.

* * *

"What was that?" asked Kasuto as they heard the very loud explosion from behind them.

"I dunno." Navi shrugged. "It was probably some crossdressing woman tripping over a bucket after accidentally blinding herself, making her stumble into the Castle Town Bazaar's section of bombs and accidentally igniting them."

"That… sounded cool! Let's do that!"

"Um, guys? I hate to break this to you, but I think people will be coming after us with pitchforks if we do that again."

"But don't you have something that can kill people with a thought?" asked Link.

Navi paused. "…Touche…"

She whipped out the black box and activated its gravity function. "Hasta La Vista!"

Link and Kasuto were erased out of existence.

Navi chuckled. "Finally! They're gone! I can finally get out my porn without people wanting to use it for toilet paper!" She pulled out some porn and began to masturbate.

"Ohh, yeah! Right there!" she moaned.

Her daze was interrupted as two people fell out of the sky.

Two people she knew very well.

"I KILL YOU!"

* * *

"I don't want to be here anymore," Link whispered to Kasuto as they walked behind Navi. "She scares me."

"I know," Kasuto whispered back. "I want to live and see my next birthday. Even being able to control time isn't worth Navi."

"But what can we do about it? We're helpless, like Princess Peach."

(**Cutaway to Mushroom Kingdom**)

"Mario! Help me!" screamed Peach through an open window. Bowser's castle had attached its clamp to the roof of her castle, and it was being lifted very...very...slowly.

"Just-a jump!" Mario yelled back. "I'll-a catch you!"

"No! Save me!" Peach screamed. Her castle was now exactly two feet off the ground, and she was leaning out of a window on the bottom floor.

"Come-a on!"

"Help!"

Mario screamed in frustration. "WHY THE HELL DO I PUT UP WITH THIS BLONDE BITCH?"

The shockwaves from his scream hit a nearby volcano, causing it to erupt. One of the rocks from the eruption crashed into Bowser's castle, sending it crashing to the ground and making the clamp let go of Peach's castle.

"Oh, thank you Mario!" Peach kissed him on the cheek. Mario blushed.

'Now I remember why I put up with her. She's great in bed.'

* * *

Kasuto and Link had to drag their broken, bleeding bodies up the hill into Kakariko Village. Once they got there, both promptly keeled over from exhaustion. But their rest was not meant to be. A certain fairy made sure of it.

"GET UP!" she screamed, cracking a whip at them. "YOUR MASTER DEMANDS IT!"

"I don't wanna…"

"TOO BAD! NOW GET UP!" She cracked the whip again, leaving bloody welts on their backs.

"Jesus, when will this end?" shrieked Link like a little girl. Suddenly, choir music began playing, as a figure stepped out of the heavens and began walking on thin air towards the group.

It was Jesus.

"This will never end," he told the two being whipped. "Can I go home now?"

"**No,**" said another voice. "**You need to learn to be respectful, you brat. You can go to that pathetic backwards dimension with that one virgin I knocked up and start teaching people about how good I am, so that they'll worship me blindly throughout all time!**"

"Fuck you, dad!" Jesus screamed as a portal opened beneath him and sent him spinning through dimensions. "Fuck yooouuu…"

Navi closed the book she had been reading in front of a fire, and sat back in her rocking chair. "And that, kids, is how Jesus came to be." Kasuto and Link clapped like little kids from the rug in front of her.

"Gramma Navi, that story was awesome! Do another one!" cheered Kasuto.

"Yeah! Another one!" added Link.

"Fine, fine. Since you kids were so great listening to the Jesus story, I'll tell you the one where the three of us started World War II…"

* * *

**A note from the author: The story of Jesus stated above is a fictional work made by the author for humor. It was not meant to be offensive in any way, shape, or form. These are not the author's religious beliefs, nor are they going to be in the near future. This note was not necessary, yet was included because the author felt it was a good idea to include it so that no one would flame, even though he could always just use them for a bonfire. He likes to look at the positives that way.**


	16. Sheik's PMS

**I was stuck, and decided to start this chapter by picking a random word from a thesaurus. That's why the beginning is like it is. Also, thanks to Foxpilot for correcting me on Sheik's name spelling. Have your favorite food in the world, because I'm not sure you like ketchup. And yes, I know it's _supposed_ to be a condiment.**

* * *

"We're finally here!" exclaimed Kasuto as they stepped back into Kakariko Village. "I kiss the ground!" Navi grinned evilly.

Kasuto sat up from the ground and spat out a mouthful of dirt. "That's not the way I meant, Navi."

"That's the way you're gonna get. Now, are we going to get the Hookshot, or just frolic around?"

"Frolicking around sounds good."

"Do you even know what frolic means?"

"Nope. It sounds fun though!"

Navi smirked, her plan complete. "Oh yes, frolicking is fun. Very fun."

"Great!"

* * *

"To frolic, you must run around in circles screaming, while I shoot at you with this machine gun I found in my little black box. BEGIN!"

"Wha – ow!"

"Ow!"

"Owowow!"

Blood flew through the air during Navi's psychopathic rampage, along with limbs, equipment, and various organs badly needed for survival.

"I figure they can always respawn, it's not going to kill them permanently," Navi remarked to the readers, who were frowning at her disapprovingly. "No, I'm not stopping anytime soon."

"Pain…" Link groaned from the ground behind her.

She took out a grenade, pulled the pin, shoved it down his throat, and teleported away.

* * *

"We are gathered today to remember… Wait, didn't I just do this last chapter?"

Navi, Link, and Kasuto shrugged.

"And why are you not dead, if we're here for the last rites?"

Link shrugged. "Because of a power given to me by the Gods from the fact that I'm the Hero of Time, destined to save Hyrule from Ganondorf, an emo who seeks the Triforce so he can kill himself?"

Navi gaped at him. "Who are you, and what have you done with Link?"

"Who is this, Link, you speak of?"

"…Stabbity time."

* * *

"Yo!" called Link. "Why'd you guys leave me behind? And who's that?" He pointed at the other Link, who was bleeding over the forest floor from his chest getting sliced open.

"We thought he was you when we respawned, so we brought him with us, but Navi killed him," said Kasuto.

"That wasn't me! I was getting ice cream, but it disappeared when I went to find you guys!"

"Then why do you have ice cream on your lips?" Indeed, he did.

"What? Oh, this is my ice cream, and is in no way related to the ice cream I got for you guys, even though I got the same flavor in the same size, and you two's disappeared on the way here."

Navi was silent for a moment. "…You suck at lying, you know that?"

* * *

The group walked into the graveyard, shovels at the ready.

"You two know what to do," said Navi. "So do it!"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

Link and Kasuto began digging up graves. Unfortunately, most of them only had a Poe, which cackled as the two of them ran around in circles screaming.

After ten or so of these, Link finally found the right grave. He screamed as he fell down the hole, alerting the other two to where he was.

"Do you think we should follow him?" asked Kasuto as he peered into the pit.

"I can legally so that no, we should not follow him. You, on the other hand…" Navi shoved him into the chasm, and he began screaming as he fell. "Yeah, good luck with that."

* * *

"Well, you're as fast as me," said Dampe, as Link staggered into the finish line. Kasuto looked at Dampe in horror. Link had gotten lost eight times, ran into three columns, missed a jump, and fell into the bottomless pit at the end of the race four times. He had been lucky to finish at all.

"Since you're as fast as I am," Dampe continued, "you can have this rusty Hookshot, which has been lying in my dead, rotting pants for the past six years."

Navi shivered. "Ew."

Da Da Da Daaa! You got the Hookshot! This item, found in Dampe's pants, can reach long distances to carry the user over gaps and stuff! However, you need the Longshot form the Water Temple to actually get any use out of it. Sucker!

"The exit's over there."Dampe waved at a hole set in the wall, which the group went through. When they came out the other end, they found themselves in the Kakariko Windmill. And, across from them, was…

"A Piece of Heart!" cried Link. "Yayz!"

"The hell's a Piece of Heart?" asked Kasuto.

"It's an item that's impossible to find that can help someone last longer in battle. You don't know what it is because the author's been neglecting it."

"You mean like those Heart Containers you've been stealing by shoving Link into the blue portal before he can pick them up?"

"Um, what Heart Containers? I don't know what Heart Containers – Amnesia Dust!" Navi threw a small handful of black powder into Kasuto's face.

"Uh…"

"Oh, whoops, that was gunpowder, not amnesia dust. Oh well, I can still have some fun."

The resulting explosion destroyed the Kakariko Windmill just as the man with the box was about to teach Link the Song of Storms. Oh well, they're going back in time anyway, so that'll fix it.

* * *

"Hey, let's go see Malon again," suggested Kasuto as they left Kakariko, which was once again a smoldering ruin. "I bet she's having fun."

"Fine," sighed Navi. "Let's go."

So they went out into Hyrule Field. None of them were talking, on pain of a brutal stabbing from Navi. Since they're all quiet, we're just gonna fast-forward a little while.

"Finally! We're here!" screamed Link. "I can talk again!"

"Remember who you're talking in front of," reminded Navi. "A psychopathic fairy with a knife that can fly into rage at the littlest things."

"I'm scared now."

Just then, Malon stepped out of the barn, and she gasped at the sight of them.

"Fairy boy! Fairy-boy's fairy! …Something!"

Kasuto went off to sulk.

"Come in here," said Malon, motioning to the barn she had just come out of. "I'll explain things in here."

* * *

"So, let me get this straight. Your Mario-rip-off of a father lost the ranch to a lame Luigi rip-off, who devoted his service to an emo likely to kill himself at any time, and is now giving said emo horses to stay on the emo's good side, and he's making you take care of them?"

"Yes…"

"Wow. Bestiality is so kinky."

"Just help the horses, fairy boy!"

"Fine, don't get your panties in a knot."

Link calmly strolled up to Ingo, who was standing in the middle of the corral of horses.

"Ten bucks to go in," he muttered. Link handed over ten Rupees. "Two minutes only."

Link calmly stepped into the middle of the area, pulled out his ocarina, and played Epona's Song.

Malon gasped from behind the barn. "It's like he knows exactly what he's doing!"

Navi snorted. "Doubt it. Everything we do, we just wing it, and leave a giant, smoking crater behind, in the case of Kakariko. Look, now he's on Epona and talking to Ingo… Now they're shaking hands… Now they're setting up for a race."

"Fine! I'll bet you fifty Rupees that I'll win!" snapped Ingo.

"You're on!"

"No, scratch that – I'll bet that horse you're riding!"

"Fine!"

"But if you lose, you're going to serve my ranch for a year!"

"Prepare to get your ass whupped!"

* * *

(Note: because I'm lazy, we're skipping the race)

"Fucking hell!" roared Ingo as Link crossed the finish line ahead of him. Then, he composed himself, and stood as he normally did.

"You might have won, but you're not leaving this ranch!" As he spoke, the gates of Ingo Ranch's horse paddock closed in front of him, trapping the group inside. Navi, however, smirked.

"You're forgetting what we do best at."

Ingo gulped. "…Shit…"

Ten seconds later, Ingo Ranch had two gates instead of one. And, of course, everyone there was dead. Also of course, they're going to be revived once they go back in time, so they didn't make a big deal about it.

* * *

"Oh… My… God!" cried Link. "This place is new!"

Navi groaned. "Link, I already told you where we are."

"Yeah, but I wasn't paying attention!"

"We're in Kokiri Forest, you sad excuse for a Mary Sue."

"I'm not a Mary Sue!"

"Yes, you are."

"No I'm not!"

"You're someone going on a quest to defeat the King of Evil, who is all-powerful, pretty much all by yourself, you have too many women going after you, everything always works out the way you want it to, and there are many people out there that dress up as you for no reason whatsoever. You're a Mary Sue."

"…Screw you…"

"People!" called Kasuto. "Can we just get to the Forest Temple before people start closing out of the chapter because of boredom?"

"I think we've already lost all our viewers because of how long it took to get here," mumbled Navi.

"Yep," Link confirmed. "Now what?"

Kasuto pointed at a sign in front of them that had an arrow painted on it that pointed into the Lost Woods.

"Well, follow the sign slaves! I'll be waiting here for you!"

They reluctantly went into the woods, while Navi simply smirked as she watched them go. "Now, time for some porn."

* * *

"We're lost, aren't we, Link?"

Link paused in his reading of their map.

"Really, Kasuto? Really? You think we're lost? In the _Lost Woods_?" he asked sarcastically.

"You didn't need to be mean," Kasuto pouted. Suddenly, he pointed. "Hey, look! Doesn't that guy look familiar?"

Mido yawned and scratched his considerable chest. He had always been at his happiest when he was eating, or torturing the younger and/or smaller Kokiri. Of course, seeing as he was the biggest and fattest, they were all smaller than him.

As he opened his fourteenth bag of chips, he heard a voice. "Fire in the hole!"

"Wha?"

A lit bomb landed in the hand that had just grabbed a handful and chips and was just about to go into his mouth. Of course, Mido was too stupid to know what it was, so he ate it anyway.

There was much blood. And pain, don't forget the pain.

* * *

(**A week later**)

Kasuto and Link finally dragged themselves out of the Lost Woods, with several broken bones (from jumping off ledges), bleeding from several shrapnel wounds (the Skull Kid, who had decided to chase after the two of them with a bazooka, screaming his head off), and a goose egg on Link's forehead (he had tried the slingshot game again, but he was too big, and his slingshot tried to eat him). Oh yeah, and bleeding from the slashes from the Wolfos that had attacked them.

"Finally… We're… Here…" Link gasped. He dragged himself through the gate… and was instantly run over by a charging Moblin.

* * *

(**A Day Later**)

"We're…finally…here…again…" gasped Link as he dragged his broken body through the gate. He was promptly hit by a flying frying pan and died.

"Dammit!" the sushi vendor who had thrown it swore. "That's another one dead! Phil, clean up your mess!"

"But it's your –"

"NOW!"

* * *

"It took you three weeks to get here?" Sheik shrieked. "What the hell have you two been doing?"

"Trying not to die?" asked Kasuto.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Sheik. "I'M HAVING PMS, SO YOU'D BETTE RLEARN THIS SONG FAST!"

He pulled out his harp, plucked a bunch of notes randomly, swore, tried again, and played the Minuet of the Forest. "Now you try," he said in a deadly calm voice.

Link gulped. He looked at his ocarina, then at Sheik, who was tapping "his" foot impatiently. He put the instrument to his lips, blew a note, and had to duck under several needles that brutally killed the sushi vendor behind him. Phil threw his arms into the air, screaming happily and ran out of the forest, straight into Navi's tree branch, the impact of which threw him back into the Lost Woods.

"Oops," Navi winced. "Sorry, that was meant for Kasuto and Link for being late."

* * *

Link was too scared to play the song again, so he bribed Kasuto into playing it for him. Surprisingly, he played it perfectly.

"Why don't you play the damn thing?" asked Sheik, who was getting over "his" PMS.

"…Because I'm awesome?"

"LIES!" Sheik chainwhipped the two into the Forest Temple above them, where they flew straight into a bush behind a teenager typing on a laptop.

"Hi, you two," said the teenager. "Exactly what I planned to happen."

"Lookit the little birdies…" said Link.

The teenager sighed and typed something into his laptop. Instantly, it was like the two had never gotten hurt.

He still had to wait for them to wake up, though.

"Who're you?" demanded Kasuto once he'd recovered.

"I am the all-powerful in this realm," the teenager answered. He wore a grey hooded sweatshirt, with black sweatpants. He had long, shoulder-length black hair, brown eyes, was about six feet tall, and was very broad-shouldered. He looked to be about sixteen. "But you can call me Matt."

"Basically," he continued, "there's a place called fanfiction .net, where there are two types of people: readers and authors. A reader can become an author once they write and publish a story. Once they become an author, they get access to all sorts of cool things, like the ability to mess around with life."

"And what do you do for a living?" asked Link.

"I'm working on controlling the world by putting subliminal messages in a Zelda fanfiction."

"…And?"

"It's not working."

* * *

**I've been meaning to use the above line for a while, but couldn't fit it in. Anyways, next chapter is finally the Forest Temple! I know you've been wanting it for a while. And no, that is not in any way an accurate description of me above ^_^**


	17. To Be Normal Is To Die

**Merry Christmas, my dear readers! Here's another chapter of idiots for ya! I meant to post this earlier today, but… Well… Things happened. Things in no way related to my poor memory skills. Yes, in no way related…**

**Edit: thank you, Foxpilot, for pointing out who had built the machine. It was meant to be Link, not Kasuto. The error has been fixed.**

* * *

After the group had parted from the author, they stepped into the main room of the Forest Temple, where there were four torches placed in a circle in the center around an elevator. As the group watched, four ghosts came out of nowhere and blew the torches out, making the elevator sink into the ground.

"Well, we're screwed."

Then, the purple ghost appeared in front of Kasuto, farted in his face, and disappeared, cackling.

Link and Navi burst out laughing at his misery. "It smells like a sewer! What the hell did he eat?"

Then the author appeared from behind them, throwing a small key at Kasuto's head. "You forgot something."

Kasuto swore violently before marching across the room and opening the door across from the entrance, the laughter from Link and Navi echoing in his ears.

"What the hell? NO! GET OFF ME YOU DAMN SKELETON! NO, THAT DOESN'T FIT – AGH! HEY, LET GO OF ME, RAPIST! NOOOOOoooooo…" Kasuto's screams trailed off. Link and Navi were still laughing their heads off as Kasuto opened the door a few minutes later, clutching another small key. He looked pissed. Link and Navi, on the other hand, were struggling to not faint from lack of air.

* * *

Link and Navi were still laughing their heads off as they went into an arboretum-styled room, which was filled with various plant life, such as Deku Babas. Link's laughter suddenly vanished along with Navi's as Kasuto angrily stomped on a loose board on the bridge over the pond.

There was silence all around. Kasuto looked around nervously, cautiously eying everything around him. "…Guys? Hello…?"

* * *

Link moaned as he slid down the vine-covered wall, finally sliding off onto a small ledge, where Navi joined him.

"If anyone asks, it was Kasuto's fault," Link grumbled as he got up, rubbing his butt.

"…" Navi's response was silence. "…Wasn't it his fault already?"

"…Shut up," Link growled as he opened the door in front of him and stabbed the monster. As Link opened the chest that appeared with its defeat, he groaned. "Great, another fucking map. Why can't I ever get anything that'll actually _help_?"

"…Because you're an elf?"

"Shut up, Navi," Link groaned. "Din knows you're more annoying than half the cast of Family Guy."

Navi gasped. "I am not!"

"You are, and don't deny it."

"But –"

Link put his sword at her throat, cutting off her reply. Navi could say nothing Then, Link let out a wolf-whistle.

"Y'know, I'm wondering why I didn't do that before."

* * *

"Hi, Kasuto!" Link yelled from the ledge above the garden they had been in a few minutes before.

"Hi, Link! Has Navi killed you yet?"

"No, I've got it under control."

Navi crossed her arms grumpily. "I'm right here, you know."

"Shut it, slave," growled Link. "Any fangirl would kill to be you right now, submissive and under my power. Literally, they would _kill_."

"But –"

"_Kill_."

Link stomped on the switch, lowering the level of water in the well below them. Then he pushed Navi off the ledge. Navi forgot that she had wings until it was too late to save herself. It was only made worse when Link landed on her.

* * *

The group made their way back to the main room, where they found a locked door.

"Do we have any keys?" asked Kasuto. Navi was silent.

"Oh, I was trying to unlock a door earlier, but I kept getting a weird message saying 'The door is already unlocked.' So, I thought 'Screw the rules, I have money,' and kicked the door in." Link neglected to mention that he had also fallen on his butt when he tried to kick open a door that was already open. Navi had laughed at him.

There was silence for a few seconds.

"So, do we have any keys?" asked Navi.

"Well, there is one…" said Kasuto. He took the Clock Sword out of the sheath on his back and inserted it into the lock and jiggled it. There was a click, and he grinned and tried to open the door. The door was still locked. Kasuto looked at the door, then at the Clock Sword. "Let's try another way."

* * *

Kasuto and Link squealed in terror when a giant spider dropped in front of them. A very familiar giant spider. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT'S HIM!"

"Click click clack (What the hell are you people doing here?)?"

"Oh, we're just trying to find our way through a temple to fight an evil being at the end with a giant game of tennis for a green medal," said Navi. "How ya been, Lawyerskullwalltulla?"

"Click clickity (FYI, I live here.)"

"That's great. Where've you been the past seven years?"

"…Click… (…Here, since my contract with you people was terminated by you going through time.)"

"Who the hell are you?" Link butted in. "You look like Spiderman, only you're a giant spider, and he's a human like the rest of us, except we're Hylian, and it's probably because we're in an alternate dimension from Earth, where our creators, the Gods and Goddesses, like TheBrick live in perfect harmony with each other and how the hell do I know who Spiderman is?"

"No clue," said Navi. "Don't say words with more than two syllables. It scares me when you do so."

"Click (Agreed.)"

"Hey, you guys don't look so good. You seem stressed."

"Nah, we're completely fine. No problems, everything's quite dandy."

"Oh. I'm not quite sure what that word means, but as long as you're fine…"

"If I had the time I'd so take advantage of you more often…"

* * *

The Lawyerskullwalltulla decided to join the group on their journey, for reasons involving "sex, drugs, and beer. Mostly beer." On that note, as Link opened the door at the other end of the corridor, a giant pink bubble came out of nowhere, popping in his face.

"The hell?"

Another one zoomed from a corner of the room, bursting on Link's nose. "Oh, you're gonna get it now!"

A clown stepped into their view and began to speak.

"Hi! It is I, a random NPC generated by the author because he was bored one day and he was looking at gay people making out that will never show up again and was thrown into the chapter at the last minute! By the way, my name is Bob."

"…Okay…" muttered Navi. "Kill it," she whispered to Link. "Clowns creep me out, especially their permanent smile…"

Link screamed a war cry and charged forward, slicing through the bubbles like a knife through butter. The entire time he was dueling, Lawyerskullwalltulla and Navi were looking at him oddly.

"There's no word for how strange it is to watch an experienced warrior duke it out with giant pink bubbles," said Navi.

"I like 'fucked up,' personally," Kasuto interjected.

As they watched, Link stabbed the bubble master through the heart, killing him instantly. As Link whooped, a treasure chest opened next to the body. Kasuto opened the chest, reached into it, and took out the item, which he handed to Link.

"Here. A delicious heart cookie. You deserve it, for committing murder."

* * *

After much block-pushing, Link and Co. were standing in front of a locked door with an eye above it. As the group had walked into the vicinity of the eye, it had rotated in its socket to stare at the group. Kasuto shivered.

"Can someone just shoot that thing? It's giving me the creeps." Navi opened her strategy guide.

"Well, it says here that we need the Bow to kill it." Lawyerskullwalltulla ate the strategy guide. "Hey! I was using that!"

"Click. Click click. (No. It is no longer needed.)"

"You need a translator."

"Clack. (Yes I do.)"

"Moving on!" said Link, opening the locked door. In front of them, the hallway spiraled around, eventually turning completely upside-down to where it was in the beginning.

"Cool! I get to walk on the ceiling!" exclaimed Kasuto.

"…Remember what I said about the warrior fighting giant pink bubbles?"

"Clickity… (Yeah…)"

"This comes right after that. How the hell can you even stand on the ceiling? Is gravity completely messed up in this temple or something? I mean…" she was about to continue when she saw Link's face.

"Shut. Up," he growled. "You are my bitch today. That means go act like the little flying bitch that you are and go to hell!"

Navi was silent.

"That felt good."

Kasuto walked through the doorway at the other end of the upside-down hall and almost squealed at the sight. "Hey! Guys! I'm walking on the ceiling! Lookit me, I'm walking on the ceiling!" There was a thud. "…Ow…"

"Apparently gravity can't keep someone from falling off of a ceiling," Navi quipped. Link glared at her and she shrank back in fear from something that would normally be one of the least scary things you would ever see. But, there was a difference now. This elf had gone more than a day without burning anything. Yes, for pyromaniacs, going for too long without burning anything produces withdrawal symptoms.

A wallmaster flew down from the ceiling in the middle of the narrator's speech, sending the group back to the beginning of the temple.

* * *

"DAMMIT!"

* * *

After retracing their steps back through the temple, the group came into a room with a single Stalfos.

"Click clack. (Kill it.)" Lawyerskullwalltulla demanded. Link and Kasuto whooped and jumped at the Stalfos, slicing it in half before the battle had even begun.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Navi commented.

A platform dropped down from the floor above, and two more Stalfos jumped down, one falling on its head and breaking its neck. The other did splits when it fell, and the men of the group winced when they heard the sickening crack.

"That can't have been good," said Kasuto.

"Click. (Nope.)"

Link simply put his hand over his crotch.

As the bodies burst into flames, the door unlocked and a treasure chest appeared. Link kicked the chest open and held up the item inside.

"Da da daaaa! You found the Fairy Bow! It's kind of like an adult version of the Slingshot, but it's related to fairies, so only gay men can use it! Or straight women, whichever term you want to use."

Link swore. "That was absolutely tasteless, you stupid bitch! Apologize to our readers!"

Navi sighed. "Readers, I am sorry for telling the truth. Also, Link is gay, so sorry to disappoint you, fangirls."

"Clickity click clickity. (Woah, too much information, Link.)"

"I KILL YOU! ELF RAGE!"

* * *

"Die, creepy eye thing that keeps staring at us and will probably be haunting my nightmares for the rest of the week and that will probably show up again, no matter how hard I pray to the Goddesses otherwise or sacrifice the blood of orphans on the night of the full moon!"

There was silence for a few seconds.

"Yes, folks, we can't go a single chapter without scarring at least one person out there for life."

"What were we doing again, Navi?"

"I dunno, something involving shooting something."

"Oh, right." Link final shot the eye above the door in front of them, and creaking noises heralded the untwisting of the corridor in front of them.

"Whoopee…"

* * *

The group trudged into the newly untwisted room, to find a blue chest, which Link couldn't resist opening.

"Da da daaaa! You got the Boss Key! See item name for details." Navi threw the cards she had been reading from behind her. "What a load of bullshit. At least Link got to burn something, so he'll leave me alone."

Link had taken out a Deku Stick and proceeded to light it using a Bubble enemy (not to be confused with giant pink bubbles). He was now giggling and waving the stick around in front of him, at multiple points almost catching his tunic on fire.

Navi rolled her eyes and pushed Link and Kasuto down the hole behind them.

"Click click (No thanks.)" said Lawyerskullwalltulla when she was about to do it to him. "Click clack (I'll do it myself)"

He jumped into the hole, and Navi was about to follow when a Wallmaster flew down from the ceiling. Navi hissed at it and it ran away crying.

* * *

(**I'm going to skip ahead a lot here, because this is taking too much time**)

As the elevator descended into a large, circular room filled with blocks, the group had only one thought on their minds. 'Bye bye, Link.'

Link got off the lift and pushed the walls, revealing the door to the boss.

"Click click clack click. (Well, this is goodbye, so long, and all that crap. Don't miss me, because I'll be scamming you again soon.)"

"Mmhmm. It's just too bad you were shoehorned in at the last minute, so the author didn't use you that much."

As Lawyerskullwalltulla climbed back up the elevator shaft, the group opened the door to the boss.

"So, there's an evil being in here and we have to kill it," stated Kasuto.

"Why? Evil beings are known to be dangerous!" cried Navi. "Am I the only one with sense here?"

"Exactly. Because we're heroes."

"How?"

"According to a loose enough definition of 'hero,' we qualify."

"…Yeah, right…"

"Well, more or less," Kasuto continued. "The point is, good deeds were done, and we were nearby."

* * *

"HolycrapwhatdoIdo?" Kasuto shrieked as he was chased around by Phantom Ganon.

"Aim for the horn!" cried Link. Kasuto turned around, grabbed the Clock Sword, and, using its ability to stop time, swung it at Phantom Ganon's staff, cutting the head off.

Once he had unpaused time, Phantom just stared at him. "…AND THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT AGAIN?"

"You were supposed to die," said Link. Phantom scoffed.

"That only works for electricity."

"Quick, come up with another plan!" cried Kasuto as Phantom started chasing him again, this time throwing magic balls after him.

"Um… He throws electricity, so… And that means… I've got it!" cried Link. "Kasuto, distract him!"

"What have I been doing for the past five minutes, then?"

"Distract him some more." Link turned to Navi. "How does one split an atom?"

"Why?"

"Because, I was hoping that the resulting explosion would kill him, but I need to create a machine for splitting an atom out of a bunch of rocks, some paint, and a sword. I was hoping that the explosion would produce a time-space ripple effect, the result of which would erase Phantom Ganon from existence."

"That… Makes no sense whatsoever," Navi stated blandly.

"Fine! I bet you a hundred rupees that I could make it before you turn around!"

"Fine!" Navi turned around, with her back to Link, stayed in the position for a few seconds, and turned back around. Her jaw hit the floor. In the space of less than a few seconds, Link had built a working atom splitter and tested it.

"Now to turn it on." The resulting explosion blew the Forest Temple off of its base, flipped it over, nearly impaled Kasuto three times with spires, and erased Phantom Ganon from existing.

"You know, I should really be surprise with this, I really should," Navi said dully.

* * *

**Fanfiction is being screwy right now, but I wanted to give you guys a Christmas present anyway. So again, Merry Christmas! Blame ff for any odd thing you find. Look for the "references!" There are three.**


	18. Shut Up!

**As I said in a conversation with one of my reviewers, I have come to the realization that this story is gradually becoming stuck in a rut of simple comedy. However, I, your fearless author, have decided to pull out all the stops, and return the story to its roots… which are pretty much identical to what it is now, except more inspired. Yeah, I need to get out more, this speech makes no sense whatsoever. Anyways, I'm finally back from my unwilling (virus-given) break! Yay! I'll shut up now.**

* * *

(**The Sacred Realm**)

Navi found Saria's face inches away from her own and screamed.

"Hello… My love…" Saria whispered, in what was probably meant to be sexy, but the fact that it was a child actually_ saying_ the words just made them… weird.

Saria pouted as Navi hid under Link's cap.

"Link!" the fairy whispered into his ear. "Can you hurry up with the taking of the powery thingy so we can go? _She scares me!_"

Saria straightened up from where she was crouching to see under Link's hat and cleared her throat, as well as taking out some notecards.

"Thank you… " she read. "Because of you, I could awaken as a Sage… I am Saria, the Sage of the Forest Temple. Or what's left of it, anyway…" She glared at Link, who squeaked from fear, and started trying to join Navi in his hat. Unfortunately, he was too big, as he found out when he tried to jam his hat down over his body and it ripped, revealing where Navi was.

Saria squealed and ran over to the fairy. "My love!"

Navi pulled out a grenade. "Stop! I'm armed!"

"Well of course you are, silly, everyone's got arms."

"I can blow us all to hell!"

"And I can do this." Saria snapped her fingers, and the grenade disappeared. Navi gulped.

"Well, there goes my plan to not have sex with a lesbian."

Saria pouted. "But bisexual threesomes are so much fun!"

Kasuto screamed, holding his hands to cover his ears. "MY INNOCENCE! MY PRECIOUS INNOCENCE!"

"Your innocence was taken away seven years ago, when you first met us in chapter… one I believe it was. I dunno, it might've been two for all I know."

"Navi, you're an idiot," said Link.

There was silence. Absolutely impenetrable silence. The cricket that decided to chirp during the silence was silenced by a gunshot. Navi hadn't even had to look to hit it.

"What did you just call me?" she asked, voice calling up images of things and tortures worse than hell. Yes, even worse than Paris Hilton. Anger was coursing through her voice, sending shivers down the spine of anyone listening to the fairy.

"Um… smart?" Kasuto had to look away from the scene of carnage that followed after Navi had separated Link's spine from his body and started beating him over the head with it.

* * *

Link was revived!

Link clutched his heart!

Link looked down!

Link found out that he had respawned without a heart!

Game over…

* * *

"I hate you so much, Navi," Link groaned after he had respawned for a second time. "Fucking hate you."

"Deal with it, buddy," she snapped. Saria snuck up behind the fairy and threw her arms around her.

"Hi, honey!"

Navi screamed in fear, whirling around and pulling out a machine gun, and pulled the trigger. There was a click. Cursing, Navi threw it away, instead retrieving a shotgun. She pointed it at Saria, pulling the trigger again. There was another click. Navi screamed with anger, throwing the shotgun into the void around the blue platform they were standing on. Finally, she pulled out an atom bomb and activated it.

* * *

"She's… finally… dead…" Navi coughed from the ground where she lay. "Finally… dead…"

Saria coughed from behind her. "Love, I hate to break it to you, but since I'm a Sage, I can't die." The Sage reached behind her back. "Though, I do have some… toys… we can pass the time with."

Navi's eyes widened from horror. "NOOOOOO!"

Suddenly, in a random act of God (**AKA the author**), Orihime Inoue landed two feet away from the squabbling couple. Saria's eyes widened, and she started drooling at the girl's …assets. Navi used the distraction wisely, to escape from the Sacred Realm via a teleportation spell from the Black Box.

"No!" Saria squealed once she'd noticed the vanished fairy a few minutes. Then she thought for a moment. The Sage finally shrugged, turning around to begin staring at Orihime's … assets… again, while the other girl began to sweat nervously.

* * *

The group appeared in front of the wizened corpse of the old Deku Stump, in front of a small, green sprout.

"Wonder what we're supposed to do now…" Kasuto muttered, glancing around. He took a step onto the tiny sprout… and was sent flying by the emerging… round… stubby… thing that came out of the ground.

"Hi there! I'm the Deku Stump Sprout! Who are you people? Why did you come here? Did you come to steal my cereal? If so, HA! I just finished all my cereal this morning! What? You say you don't want my cereal? Then what do you want? I know! You want my wife, that little tree over there! Well, you can have her for all I care! She's bitchy, she never talks to me, and all she wants to do is play a game of Wii Sports Golf! Well, boo to you, honey! It's always the same three holes, just like our marriage!"

The little tree the Sprout was talking to was silent.

"And this is my real problem! You NEVER answer me when I ask you a question! What, do ya hate me you little bitch? Well then, you can just stuff it, because we are THROUGH! THROUGH, I say! We are going to the divorce office RIGHT NOW, and we are getting a lawyer and we are divorcing! Ha! Betcha didn't see that one coming, didja?"

There was a remote with a single button underneath one of the other tree's branches.

"Wha-NO! Don't do it, honey! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, already! Don't cry, I'll fix things right up, like that one guy from Home Improvement always does! No! Don't press the button!"

The little sprout exploded, leaving a crying Deku Sprout behind.

Kasuto sat down next to the sprout and began watering it out of pity.

* * *

"...And that concludes my story," the Sprout finished. "And what is the moral of this story?"

Kasuto raised his hand. "Virgins aren't virgins forever?"

"No. Link, you try."

"Fire is awesome?"

"Close, but no. Navi?"

"Violence and killing solves everything?"

"You should have said that with a musical message, but yes." The Deku Sprout turned to look at the camera. "Remember that, ladies, gentlemen, crazy people, murderers, rapists, and all those other people reading this work of fiction."

* * *

Kasuto began whistling boredly as the group traveled across Hyrule Field. First he whistled the Terminator theme. Then he whistled Surfin' Bird. Next was the Super Mario Bros. theme. He was halfway through the OoT theme for Hyrule Field when Navi finally snapped, opening the Black Box and pulling out her remote. She hit the button, dramatically slowing time down for everyone but herself. The fairy, meanwhile, was in the process of beating Kasuto to within an inch of his life, before forcing a Red Potion down his throat and repeating. Then there was a ripping sound. Instantly, Kasuto screamed, breaking everything made of glass for a mile around.

Navi threw Kasuto's male equipment onto the ground next to him as he writhed around, clutching his crotch and screaming bloody murder.

Then she turned towards Link, who was backing away as fast as possible without appearing threatening. It didn't work.

She began whaling into the green-wearing hero as well, until he was on the ground in front of her, broken, beaten, and bloody.

"FINISH HIM!" an announcer called out of nowhere, the words flashing onscreen. Navi reached out, grabbing Link's head, and pulled it off of his neck, complete with attached spine. She posed proudly, displaying the severed head while giving a peace sign, while "NAVI WINS!" flashed above her.

* * *

**This chapter is really just a bridge for me to get back into the steam of things, so I apologize to anyone who doesn't like it. Have a cookie, which is definitely **_**not **_**a bribe to keep reading in spite of how crap this chapter is.**


	19. The Essential Boring Chapter

**Having this chapter about 75% finished, then having baseball start and getting Pokemon Black and White and Okamiden does not mean good things.**

* * *

"How many times have you respawned, again?" Navi asked as the trio stepped into what was once the Hyrule Castle Town. Now complete with zombies not owned by Capcom!

Link and Kasuto both began counting on their fingers, but gave up after ten, as neither one could count past that number.

"…A lot?" Link guessed after a while. Navi smirked, pulling out a small notebook.

"Heh. You idiots, I've been keeping track for the past eighteen chapters!" Navi quickly read the list. "Okay, you two have… Oh, damn, the number's all smeared with blood. Oh, well." Then she paused. "Huh. It says here I have yet to kill you by strangulation, electrocution, drowning, the insertion of a fatal disease into your bodies, Britney Spears' singing, playing E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, meeting a Candiru, or dropping you in boiling lava." She smirked. "All right, which do you want to do first?"

Kasuto opened his mouth.

"Oh, wait, hold on." Navi shoved Kasuto towards a ReDead, which jumped onto him and began biting his skull. She turned to the camera. "What? I can't remember if I already killed one of them that way."

The ReDead had just finished eating Kasuto's head when it suddenly keeled over, now completely dead.

Navi began scribbling in her notebook. "Hmmm… interesting. So, when something eats one of their brains it becomes too stupid to live. That can be used…" She tore out the page, crumpled it into a tiny ball, and put it into a tiny straw. She blew the spitball out of the straw, which hit the Ghoma Larva standing on the rooftop as a sentry. It squealed something and ran off.

"Alright, back to business." Navi pressed a button on the Black Box and threw it at Link and Kasuto. It skipped along the ground it to them and… did nothing. They leaned over it curiously. It was then that the box exploded, sending various sharp objects at the two, which impaled them repeatedly in many places.

"You know, I feel like we've done this one before," Link groaned weakly.

"Shut your trap, pal," Navi growled. "Just go into the temple."

(**Insert epic scene change music here**)

* * *

"Welcome…" came a sinister voice from behind the group as they stepped into the Temple of Time. "I've been waiting for you…"

"Hi Sheik!" said Link. Said Sheikah groaned.

"Thanks for ruining the moment, Link." He paused, pulling out a piece of paper and studying it. "Ah, screw it." He threw the paper away. "Good job on the Forest Temple, though it would've helped if you hadn't blown it up." He shot the perpetrator a glare. "You might have rescued the Forest Sage, but there are still other." He lifted a hand and began counting them off on his fingers. "One on Death Mountain, one under Lake Hylia, one in Kakariko Graveyard, one in the Gerudo Desert, and one more. I'd tell you who it is, but that would be a plot spoiler."

"Damn!" Kasuto snapped his fingers in frustration.

"Anywho, I'm here to teach you a new song." Sheik pulled out his harp. "Learn it or die."

"What?"

"Speak English or die, you racist bastard!"

"You hypocrite!"

"I AM NOT A HIPPO!"

Kasuto motioned to Link. "What should I do?" he whispered.

"Do a barrel roll!"

An arwing and wolfen flew out of nowhere, almost colliding with a pillar near the entrance.

"You'll never take me alive, Star Fox!" Wolf yelled.

"Tell that to our lasers!" Falco replied, pressing the trigger. With a blast of smoke, Wolf found himself being confronted by an airborne pack of ninja stabbity death. As Falco decided to himself not to ever mention to anyone that he had pressed the wrong button, Wolf screamed like a little girl and fled, pursued by a pack of ninjas flying on kites, throwing various sharp objects after him.

The group stared at each other, unsure of how to take that little interruption. Finally, it was Navi who broke the silence.

"Let's hear it for the lowest common denominator, people," she remarked to the camera.

* * *

After Sheik taught Link the Prelude of Light (after many (many) failed tries), the group got right back to what they did best; Link and Kasuto began talking about having a crap fight, and Navi began plotting new ways of killing the other two. All while walking (flying in Navi's case) practically shoulder to shoulder, on the way to Death Mountain. Business as usual.

* * *

"Well, we're back." Navi looked around the entrance to Goron City with a nostalgic sigh. "Didn't we blow the whole mountain up last time we were here?"

"Nope, just Link almost getting killed from a hug," Kasuto replied. Link bristled.

"Hey! It was from a Goron, they give killer hugs!"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Link opened his mouth to reply, but as he was about to ("He-"), the group was swamped by the most terrifying, horrifying, creepiest, scariest, pants-crap-inducing thing in the history of mankind… The Fans.

"Hey! It's Link, Navi, and some other guy!"

They were immediately surrounded by a none too small legion of Zelda fans.

"Can I touch your hair?" asked one fan, to Link.

"Can I feel your wings?" Another fan, to Navi.

"Can I borrow your sword?" Yet another fan, to Link.

"Can we do the birthday suit romp?" Another fan… I think you get the picture now, to Navi.

"Who the hell are you?" To Kasuto.

"Can I have your hat?" To Link.

"Where's Vaati?" To Navi.

"I love you Link!" If you don't know too whom that was too, then you must have the IQ of a shovel.

Navi decided to be the group spokesperson. "In order: sure; do it and you die; no, we need that; sure, when do you get off; fuck you; whatever; wrong game, stupid; and fine, just be careful, because he's an idiot."

The fanboys and fangirls were sad. Very sad. One even committed suicide; the one that had asked to feel Navi's wings. Of course, that's the state of the average fan; always willing to cut themselves when something bad happens to whatever they're fans of. Kidding, fanboys, fangirls, and fanothers!

* * *

Kasuto was the first to venture past the legions of dead fans and into Goron City. There, he was instantly run over by something strong, something fast, and a young Goron.

"Fuck you, Hulk, Spiderman, and whatever the hell your name is!" he cried, shaking his fist at them.

Navi turned to the viewers. "Yes, the author has been reading too many comic books recently. Carry on."

"Evil demon!" the Goron cried when Kasuto grabbed it. "Exorcise the demon!" It threw some ground pepper into Kasuto's eyes. Kasuto screamed, clutched his eyes, and ran around in cries. He eventually fell off of the platform.

"Begone with you!" It threw some tear gas into Navi's eyes. She lost all control over her flight, screamed, and crashed into the ground, where she was promptly stepped on by a 500+-pound rock thing.

It almost threw more tear gas at Link, but then stopped.

"You… Link?"

"That's my name."

The Goron sobbed and hugged the struggling Link against his will. "It is you! The person I'm named after!"

Link could no longer reply, as he was turning purple.

"We need your help again! Volvogia's kidnapped all of the Gorons, and my dad, Darunia, went out to save them, but he hasn't come back! WE NEED YOU, LINK!"

Link was very unconscious at this point, as well as very blue.

"LIIII-" the Goron noticed Link's current state. "Whoops."

* * *

After giving each member of the group a Goron Tunic in apology, Link the Goron turned around and went into his father's office, where several explosions, a slicing noise, and a gargle could be heard. Then he came back out.

"Sorry about that, spies are everywhere."

"Who would be spying on you?"

"Who wouldn't?"

The group left on this note, very disenheartened, and each member constantly looking over their shoulder, up until they got to the entrance of the temple.

There, they met one of their numerous stalkers.

Sheik was much more patient this time, muttering something about taking painkillers as a precaution.

"Alright, we want to get this done as soon as possible, so that I can get back to stalking – I mean, appropriating information from Ganondorf. So," he pulled out his harp, "this is the Bolero of Fire. Learn it fast, use it well." He pulled out a whip. "Or else."

* * *

**I feel like I say this a lot, but late chapter is late.**


	20. Link's Favorite Temple

**See the note at the bottom for all your note-needing needs of note-readingness. And yes, I know I skimmed through the Fire Temple. There's too much filler in that one, in my opinion. It's my least favorite dungeon in the game, after the Water Temple. Also, I couldn't think of much to put for the Fire Temple, so... yeah. And yes, the little bit at the end has no meaning whatsoever. Kind of like this fic.**

* * *

The group came out of the tunnel and into a room with two sets of bars, a stairway, and two doors at either end. Two Fire Keese were flying about overhead. As they walked up the stairwell, Kasuto put a hand to his ear.

"…Why does it sound like chanting, and why do I get the feeling that there's a lawyer watching me?"

"Click clack clickity, click! (Because there is, damn bastard!)" muttered the Lawyerskullwalltulla from his convenient hiding spot.

"…Why are you in here with me?" asked the Goron sitting next to him, looking at the Lawyerskullwalltulla oddly.

"Click click! (Because I feel like it!)" The Goron was eaten.

Okay, moving on…

"Click. (Same goes for you.)" The narrator was eaten. Again. I thought we had something special with this one, too! Great, now we need another commercial break. Damn spiders…

* * *

**Many auditions later**

Okay, I think we finally got the one that we can depend on not to get eaten.

"SHOTGUN! HEAVY MACHINE GUN! ROCKET LAWNCHAIR!"

Great, now we need yet another new narrator. Sigh… Call the second placer.

**Two minutes later**

Please don't piss off the lawyers, kay?

* * *

The group went into the left door, to find Darunia standing on the far side of a lava pit.

"How the hell'd you get over there?" Navi yelled.

"Magic," Darunia replied.

"What kind of magic?" Navi snapped. Darunia seemed to think for a moment.

"Magic… That defies description!"

"That makes no sense!"

"Does it need to make sense to be magic?"

"No…"

"Good. Then I highly suggest you shut up. Oh, hey, is that you, O Sworn Brother?"

Link pointed to himself.

"Yes, you. You seem… older, somehow. Have you been eating plenty of rocks?"

The group each looked at each other. "…Ummm… No?" Link replied.

"Nonsense! I insist you eat some rocks, they're good for you! I would give you some myself, along with a man-to-man talk, but I have some dragon-ass-kicking to do. Toodles!" Darunia walked through the door behind him, whisting. Then he stuck his head back out of the door. "By the way, be a good Sworn Brother and free the prisoners for me?"

Link's eye twitched.

* * *

After freeing the lone Goron from the room they had just been in, whom proceeded to attempt to give his Sworn Brother a hug, they found a key atop a nearby platform, which they used to unlock the other door.

They emerged in a room filled with lava. Kasuto proceeded to attempt to jump in, thinking it was water. Navi went to hold him back, but then realized it would be more amusing to let him jump in.

She, of course, completely forgot that she was in an E-rated video game, so Kasuto didn't burn, instead slowly losing health. He then proceeded to tell Link that it would be a good idea to jump in too.

"…I guarantee it'll give you an unmitigated boner." There was a pause as he thought over what he had just said. "…Yeah, I'll stand by that statement. Hell, I don't even know what it means."

* * *

Several Gorons and locked doors and lava pits and whatnot later, they came to a room with a spiral staircase leading upwards, and in front of it, a switch. At the end of the spiral was a chest. The chest was on fire. Link was happy. He took out a Deku Stick and proceeded to light himself on fire, giggling like a little kid the whole time.

**Many hours later**

Kasuto jumped on the switch, which stopped the fire. Link was sad.

Navi flew up the staircase while Kasuto tried to comfort Kasuto and opened the chest.

Da da da daaa! You got the Megaton Hammer! You can smash stuff with this and it'll stay down! Its weight is holycrapthisisheavy!

Navi couldn't even budge it. It actually landed on top of her.

"Hey!" she shouted at her "helpers." "Some help?" Ghoma, Kingy, Barinade, and Phantom Ganon (whom had met the others and somehow got dragged along with them) simply sat at their ledge and continued playing poker.

"Bastards," she grumbled. "Hey! Listen! Hey! Hello! Hey! Hey!"

Link threw a rock at her, shutting her up temporarily.

* * *

"So, this is the place?" asked Kasuto; the group was standing in front of a statue in the first room of the dungeon. Link was carrying the Megaton Hammer for Navi since, although the fairy wanted to use it, she couldn't even lift it. So, she got someone strong but stupid to carry it for her. She was pleased with this arrangement.

"Yep, replied Navi. "Hit the blocks out of the way." Link did so. They all stared at the blocks which simply crumbled to dust. "…Okay, moving on. Link, door."

Link confidently jammed the Master Sword into the lock and jiggled it a little. There was a snap. Link smiled and tried to open the door. Link's eyes widened. He hid the Master Sword behind his back and whistled innocently.

"You do realize that you were carrying the keys, too, right…?"

More whistling.

"Hit yourself, my slave."

Link bashed himself in the head with the hammer and was out like a light.

"Wait, that was stupid of me, wasn't it?"

A girlish scream came from the room that Kasuto had unlocked after stealing one of Link's keys. There was a burst of fire, and Link woke up.

"The Precious!" He charged into the room, where he saw Kasuto standing over a mound of dead fire monsters.

Kasuto looked up, only to see Link. "Oh, hi, buddy… pal… friend… mate…"

Link screamed a war cry and ran at him. There was much pain.

* * *

**Many (insert unit of time here) later**

The group stepped into the room and a gate fell down, blocking the exit. The room was basically a giant lava pit, with a large platform peppered with holes in the center.

"Alright, you can come out now. We know you're here," said Navi. "This room pretty much reeks of boss. That and the fact that we used the Boss Key to get in here."

"Alright…" something hissed. A giant dragon…flying…snake…thing came out of one of the holes and roared, going up into the air. It then dove back into another hole.

"Great…Whack-a-Dragon," said Navi sarcastically. "Link, hit the stupid thing with the hammer once it sticks its head out of a hole. Then you may get to stabbing."

"I resent that..." Volvagia hissed, sticking its head out of a hole. "And I hear that!" it yelled as it ducked a swing, slashing Link across the chest. Volvagia dove back into the hole.

"Kasuto! Avenge me!" Link cried, throwing the multiple ton hammer to Kasuto. Volvagia stuck its head out of a hole to investigate and was hit across the head. It fell to the floor, stunned, and Kasuto ran up to it and began stabbing it everywhere he could reach. Volvagia soon died an anticlimactic death befitting of a giant dragon...flying...snake...thing. Poopy. And we didn't even get sued once during the last year, too! I'm so happy!

"Click clack click clack? (So you're asking to get sued?)"

No no, I was just commenting on the fact that, even after all the references and creative liberties, no one's come after us yet!

"Click clickity? (Is that a challenge?)"

...You know what, forget about it.

* * *

**I'm sorry to say that this story has been canceled. Those of us at TheBrick Creative Inc. decided this is all for the better, as this will allow us to become much better at video games and other important things, like writing. We apologize for your inconvenience, and we wish you a nice day.  
**_**Note written: April 1, 2011**_


	21. Darunia's Beer

**Belated Happy Easter! I actually was supposed to post this the Friday before last, but when I went to post it, FF dot net wouldn't let me post it and then I forgot about it and I'm sorry! Anyways, I have to give a shout-out to Roo from Clan of the Gray Wolf for inspiring several of the jokes in this chapter. On that note, no nationalities were meant to be offended. Hell, I'm everything in the joke but Canadian and Japanese, so I'm trying to offend myself in said joke.**

* * *

"Ah… It is you, my Brother," said Darunia once the group had arrived in the Sacred Realm. "Wanna beer?" The Goron offered a can of beer to the elf.

Link considered it for a moment. To drink or not to drink… The answer was obvious, of course.

Ten minutes later, Link had passed out from alcohol consumption.

"Aw, he couldn't take it," Darunia moaned, casting a final look at the unfortunate elf. "Anyways," here he turned to the members of the group, "you all turned out to be real men, just as I expected. Except for my Sworn Brother, I had high hopes for him, but he disappointed me. Shame. And I turned out to be the great Sage of Fire! That's a great thing for Gorons, you know. It means I get plenty of Goron hookers to play with!"

The others were silent, each thinking their own thoughts about his speech.

Navi: 'Did he just call me a man? I think he just called me a man. I shall get my sweet, bloody revenge on him when the time comes…'

Kasuto: 'Wow. I'm a man. Even though I still wear a diaper, cry for my mommy sometimes, and wet the bed. I love this guy.'

Link: 'I could really use some beer right now.'

"Hey, Brother, take this! This is a Medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits – and my friendship."

"Please, please don't start a friendship speech now…" Navi silently begged. But it was not to be.

"Because friendship is the most important thing in the world! Without friendship, there would be nothing! I want to make out with friendship! Friendship is special, and we must all appreciate it!"

They had all turned Darunia out by that point. Grumbling, Darunia threw the Fire Medallion at Link, hitting him in the forehead and losing a couple of the precious few brain cells that keep our dear Link smart enough to not die from stupidity.

* * *

**Don't forget… Now you and I are true Brothers! Except for you, Link, you can burn in hell for all I care.**

* * *

The group appeared in front of the Kakariko Village entrance, sporting sombreros and maracas.

"Huh! Hwa! Hwa! Haiyaaa!": Link.

"I'ma gonna kill you all in your sleep on Christmas!": Navi.

"Aiee! Haiyaa!" Link again.

"Japan: producing 78% of the world's weird shit since 1952.": Navi.

"Hi, my name's Kasuto.": I must call you an idiot if you need me to explain this to you.

The crowd that had gathered around them began to mutter to themselves. Finally, one member spoke up. "Go the hell away, creepers!"

Navi was unfazed. "And that genius comment brings us to today's presentation. For eons, the debate has raged: ninjas or pirates. Well, here we're going to play a little gem that will put that argument to rest forever: Ninjas VS. Pirates: The Explosioning."

More muttering. "That game doesn't exist!"

Navi smiled sadly. "Well, I have just been informed that this game does not exist, and I've dreamt it up in my mind. And now for today's moral: Don't ever have dreams. They will eventually be crushed by reality."

* * *

The group somehow managed to make it to Zora's river without further incident. This was a miracle in itself, as Navi kept taking guns out of her little black box and shooting them at anything and everything. She also gave one each to the other two. They were shooting at a certain annoying giant owl, whom was currently being a giant dick and kept dodging their shots.

"Keep firing, assholes!" Navi screamed, raising her gun and opening fire on the flying owl.

"Do a barrel roll!"

Navi shot Peppy in the head before continuing to spew hot lead at Kaepora Gaebora. Then a kite flew in out of nowhere.

Everyone there stared in shock as a team of ninjas jumped off of the kite, before forming together and enacting their battle plan.

Namely, to cut KG with their ninja awesomeness.

"Is it common for stabby ninja death to be delivered via kite?" asked Link as he watched the carnage.

"Possibly," replied Navi. "If it's anywhere, though, it's in Japan. Those crazy Japanese are obsessed with ninjas, RPGs, and young teenage girls. Why, I bet if SNK's Mai was made into a pillow or something, the average Japanese person's head would… I don't know, explode into candy."

The group continued onwards, ignoring KG's screams as he was given stabby ninja death by kite.

* * *

"If women have taught me anything, it's that you should use as much power as possible to get it over with as quickly as possible, and move on to the inevitable crying in shame," Kasuto remarked at random.

Navi glared at Kasuto. "You. Will. Pay."

"Sure, here ya go." Kasuto tossed Navi a red Rupee. Navi kept right on glaring.

"That isn't what I meant."

"Well, excuuuse me, princess!"

Navi exploded. Figuratively, of course, we wouldn't want one of our main/favorite characters disappearing, now would we? I'm looking at you, Fred Weasley.

* * *

**Later… Much later…**

Navi was still yelling, but by this point had been reduced to yelling gibberish.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!"

"…" Kasuto had stopped paying attention long ago.

"LOUD NOISES!"

"Oh, go be British somewhere else, Navi," Link finally spoke up.

Navi was speechless.

"How the hell did you find out I was British?" she screeched. "I thought I kept it secret!"

"Oh, it was obvious that you were either British because of your weirdness, French because of your stupidity, Japanese because of how addicted you are to collecting weird things about anime girls, Canadian because you live in a hat and Canada is the US's hat, or German because of your dictator tendencies."

"Huh. I would've pegged her as German," Kasuto mused.

"…Shut up, you two."

* * *

The group arrived at the top of the waterfall entrance to Zora's Domain for a second time without further mishap. Except for the time that Link found the little group of frogs and chased them around giggling like a little girl.

Or the time Kasuto found a Cucco and started stabbing it while giggling like a little girl. That is, until the Cucco RAGE kicked in and he was swarmed by angry white birds.

Anyways, Link played the entrance song on his ocarina, they went in, yadda yadda yadda, they found it frozen, yadda yadda yadda, Link almost killed himself jumping off the top of the cliff above the waterfall, yadda yadda yadda, the usual.

* * *

**Several hours/days/weeks later, pick what you want if you want continuity, randomness, or other**

"We… need… a… horse… Kasuto gasped once they'd reached Lake Hylia. "I can't keep running everywhere without serious danger to my life."

Navi crackled her electric whip behind him.

"And I think I can run a little farther without any danger."

"Good boy. Now get in the Temple, before you meet Mr. Taser."

* * *

"If someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!"

Kasuto and Link just stared at Navi, right as they finished draining Lake Hylia of all its water.

* * *

**Had to include the quote at the end. I saw it yesterday, and I couldn't help it.**


	22. The Longest Wait For a New Chapter

**I HATE the Water Temple. Just saying. I'll be skimming over this temple too; don't worry, I'll do so much more than this for the next two/three, if you're counting Ganondorf's castle. **

**And yes, this is posted later than I wanted it to. And yes, this is yet another occurrence of me having no other excuse than procrastination. And yes, I love saying 'and yes.'**

* * *

The group swam through the entrance, only to come out in front of a large platform with a Hookshot target in front of them. Link pulled out the Hookshot and activated it, only to remember that he had been wearing the Iron Boots to actually get into the Temple. He was dropped into the water, which started hissing around him.

"Coldcoldcoldcoldcold," he shivered once he'd taken the boots off. Navi, of course was dying in midair from laughing.

**Try putting the Zora Tunic on, idiot.**

Link gasped. "A voice!"

**Yeah, a voice. What's it to you?**

"I have my own voice now!" Link began dancing a happy dance.

"Link, who're you talking to?"

"You're just jealous that the voices only talking to ME!"

**Just hold your breath and go to the bottom.**

"SIRYESSIR!" Link jumped into the water and swam until his feet hit the bottom. There, he put on his Iron Boots. "Now what?" He only spoke in bubbles, but the author understood him anyway.

**Find the place with the torches and go in there. Now. Before I write you as dead.**

"You can't kill me! I'm the main character!" And yet, Link went in anyway. He turned a corner, only to find –

"AAAAGH! MY EYES!" Link screamed, clutching his eyes.

"What's going – MY EYES! THEY BURN!" Kasuto joined the green hero in running around in circles.

"Hi, Ruto," Navi greeted, as if the Zora in front of her was someone completely different.

"Oh… It's you." The Zora glared at the group. "What've you come to do to me now? Wait, let me rephrase that… Ahem…" This time her voice was attempting to sound sexy. "What're you going to do to me?" It wasn't working. "I'm your fiancée!"

"Don't care," said Kasuto. He was currently in a drinking contest with Link. It was about even, until Ruto came out of nowhere and stole the bottles right out of the drinkers' hands.

"HEY!"

"Alcohol is evil," the Zora lectured. "Without alcohol, the world would be a much better place."

Navi was silent for a moment. "…And the point of that lecture was…?"

"Alcohol is –"

"Yes, yes, I know. But if alcohol is evil, then why does drinking it feel so good, and why do we get punished with a hangover after we wake up? And if something feels good, does that make it evil? Especially if you get punished for it after it happens?"

"…" Ruto swam up out of the room. "Follow me."

Navi turned to the other two. "Do we really want to follow a fishthing-rapist somewhere, only for her to jump out at us to do whatever rapists do?"

"NO!"

* * *

"Link jumped out of the water and struck a ninja pose. He looked around. "Clear!"

Navi and Kasuto hauled themselves out of the water. "You didn't need to do that, you know," said Navi, wringing out her wings. 'I could've just flown out of the water,' she added to herself.

"Uh… It… seemed like a good idea at the time?"

"Well, whatever." Navi opened the door, only for a silver spiky thing to knock her down out of the air and roll over her.

"Pain…"

Link tried stabbing the spiky things, but that didn't work. They simply kept rolling towards him. He tried bashing them with his shield, but they still kept coming. Then he tried the Hookshot.

The spiky thing he hit with the hook blew up, sending spikes flying everywhere, mostly at Link. There was much pain.

"Well, at least we got a map," Link heard Kasuto mutter. Link used his super-magical psychic powers over fire to create a spark that ignited the paper the map was made on.

There was much swearing on Kasuto's part, only stopped once Navi pulled out her chainsaw.

* * *

**(half an hour later)**

"Why oh why must the Water Temple be so damn confusing?" screeched Navi, pulling out some of the almost nonexistent hair on her head in anger.

"Tell me about it." Kasuto shook his head, then adopted a mocking, know-it-all tone: "Oh, we're just trying to make it more challenging to the player. That was a dick move, game. I thought we had something special."

Navi turned to the camera. "Yes, this section was only placed in to show how much the author hates the Water Temple, along with extending the word count. Deal. Or else."

* * *

Kasuto hit the switch, which caused a fountain of water to come up out of the ground. "Hmm… Wonder what this is for…"

"Well… It's water… And this is a water temple… so…" Link paused, eyes widening. "It's a water puzzle!"

"But what kind of water puzzle?" asked Kasuto, scratching his head.

"The kind of water puzzle that has water in it!"

"I don't get it, though. How does a water puzzle have water in it? Wouldn't that be working against the whole theme of having a water temple?"

"Whaddaya mean?"

"I mean, a water temple is supposed to have tons and tons of water in it, right?"

"Yeah…"

"So, wouldn't puzzles having tons and tons of water involved be working against that? I mean, it's not like you need to have water puzzles in a water temple, right?"

Link put his single brain cell to hard work for a few seconds. "Uh… It's the temple theme?"

"So why are all these water puzzles in here if it's a water temple?" continued Kasuto, not hearing Link. "I mean, if there was fire puzzles in a water temple, that'd be fine, because a water temple isn't supposed to have specific kinds of elements involved, right? Water temples are just supposed to have tons and tons of water!"

"You can just feel those brain cells rotting away…" muttered Navi, rolling her eyes as the other two cheered together.

* * *

Much later, after they'd "resolved" the argument, with Navi's "help," Kasuto was promptly pushed into a room filled with swirling water. He sunk into the water, and immediately found a present underwater. And, best of all, since he was wearing his Zora Tunic, he could stay there indefinitely.

Navi was tapping her foot on midair, very impatiently waiting for Kasuto to resurface after she'd pushed him in the water, to scout ahead, since was no other exit. At least, that had been what she had told him. Personally, she wished that Kasuto would drown, so that there would be one less mentally-draining device nearby.

Eventually, she got bored of waiting, and threw a torch into the water.

"NOOOOOO!" Link dove into the water after it, completely forgetting that he could not swim. Navi was very happy about this turn of events, especially after seeing what looked like Link fighting a stone dragon mouth to get revenge for the doused fire.

* * *

**(Many hours (and many more playing around with the water incidents by Link) later)**

The group went through the door, only for it to disappear from behind them. "…Where are we?" asked Kasuto, looking around. The room in front of them was colored gray from fog. Water was ankle-deep on the floor, and in the middle of the room there was a lone island; a single tree growing on it.

"You people finally got here. I've been waiting too long for this…"

"Who said that?" shrieked either Kasuto or Link; it was impossible to tell which it was because it was squealed so high that it was difficult to hear.

"I did."

"And I."

"Don't forget me."

Around the group, black-colored versions of the group appeared out of thin air.

"And now… We fight," the shadow versions said as one.

"That was weird… Do it again!" said Kasuto.

"Why?" Again, at the same time.

Instead of responding, Kasuto giggled and began clapping, like a baby.

"Great. We have to fight someone with the mentality of a one-year-old."

More giggling.

"Stop that!"

Even more giggling.

"It gives us pain to hear that noise!"

Still giggling.

Dark-Link, -Kasuto, and –Navi began screaming their heads off in unison, while Kasuto was simply sitting there, acting like the one-year-old that he really was.

Finally, the three disappeared with one last scream. Then there was silence.

"…That was weird," said Link after a few minutes of no sound.

"Yes, yes it was. Let's move on, and never mention this again," replied Navi.

* * *

**Da da da daaa! You got the Longshot! This upgrade of the Hookshot looks the exact same, acts the exact same, even eats the same way, but the chain is longer, using up space that could be used for an even better item, all in the name of lasting longer! **_**How cool is that? **_

The group stared at the item that Link was holding up. Finally, Navi spoke up.

"Well, that was a rip-off."

* * *

"NOOOOOOO!" the fairy that Link had just put into a bottle screamed. "Let me out! Let me out! My daddy's a lawyer! He'll arrest you for this! He'll put you away for years and years and years and you'll never get out of there! Let me out _now_!"

"Is your or your father's name Navi, Lawyerskullwalltulla, Phoenix Wright, or Reggie Fils-Aime?" asked Link, putting his face next to the bottle.

"Uh, no…"

"Then shut up, sit down, and heal us when you're let out, bitch." Link then put the bottle in his pocket and walked away.

* * *

**Many, many, many, **_**many**_**, **_**many**_** hours later…**

Link finally got to put the Boss Key into the lock, and did a little happy dance when the door unlocked.

"Never do that again. That was too disturbing to watch, and now I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life wishing that minds had an unsee button."

Then a giant tentacle erupted out of the water, grabbed Kasuto, and pulled him under the water. Navi just stared at the water.

"Well, now I _know_ this game was made by Japanese people. Tentacle monsters abound, ready to rape all within their reach."

"Shut up!" screamed Morpha, throwing Kasuto out of the water and onto one of the spikes sticking out of the wall. This time, instead of dying, Kasuto turned into a zombie.

"_Braiiiiiins…"_

"That's nice, Kasuto," said Navi, not really paying attention. "Link, try the Ripoffshot!"

Link missed.

"Hit the damn ball!"

Link finally hit it. He pulled Morpha's ball…thing toward him and began beating it with his sword.

"_Braiiiiiins…"_

Kasuto was now almost two feet away from where he had started.

"That's nice, Kasuto…" Then Navi finally realized what Kasuto was saying. "That thing has brains!" she cried, pointing at Morpha.

Zombie-Kasuto began slowly moving towards where Morpha had gotten back into the water. It was now using Link as a punching bag, with its tentacles doing pretty much everything possible to Link's body. And not all of them would be liked by non-Japanese audiences.

"You know, I've always wondered why zombies never run," Navi commented absentmindedly. Kasuto looked around, shrugged, and began running at Morpha, who was distracted by the task of giving an unwilling Link a tentacle job.

Finally, Zombie-Kasuto reached Morpha, where it proceeded to latch onto Morpha's brain…thingy. There was a pop, and it disappeared. Kasuto turned back to normal… well, at least as normal as normal is for him.

"Alright, now that that's over with, let us never speak of this incident again," said Link.

* * *

**Am I the only person who finds the new account layout confusing? Maybe it's just because I'm so used to the old method, but…**

**How about them Wii Us? What do you people think of it? Or the stuff shown at e3?**

**See you sometime within the next decade!**


	23. Link Gets Fire Back

**This chapter is dedicated to the people of Norway, for whom I send my condolences to, but especially to the friends and family of the people killed. For those of you that don't know, ****after killing seven people in a bomb blast, a lone gunman killed over 80 people, some as young as 16, in a summer youth camp.**

* * *

Once he saw what was through the portal, Link tried everything within the power of his stupidity to escape his fate. Alas, the power of stupidity can only go so far; Navi had grabbed him by the back of his shirt before he had gone three steps.

"NO! I DON'T WANNA GO! I'M NOT A SINNER! DON'T WANNA KNOW WHERE THE SINNERS GO!"

"Too bad. And stop making terrible obscure references." Navi threw him into the blue light, and followed him after making sure she had done the same to Kasuto.

The next thing they all saw was Ruto, rising out of a blue light. Also completely nude. Of course, her being a Freaky Fish Thing (also known as a Zora), this was not against the law.

That didn't make it any less disturbing for the group.

"MY EYES! IT BURNS! I'M BLIIIND!" screamed Link, his eyes bleeding from the horrible sight in front of him. Kasuto, on the other hand, wasn't even concentrating on the battle to stay alive directly next to him.

"I like swords."

Navi turned to him slowly, one eye twitching. "See this?"

Kasuto nodded.

"This is my 'I don't give a damn' face."

Kasuto gasped, putting a hand over his heart, as if he had been mortally wounded. "Gasp! I've been besmirched! THIS BESMIRCHMENT WILL NOT STAND!" He pulled out a sword and ran at Navi, screaming a war cry that made several armies wet themselves out of fear.

Navi didn't move! The Rampaging Kasuto attacked with Sword of Eternal Manliness! Navi moved two feet to the right! The attack missed! Navi landed on the Rampaging Kasuto's nose! The Rampaging Kasuto went cross-eyed! Navi flicked the Rampaging Kasuto with her pinky finger! The Rampaging Kasuto became tame! YOU WON!

Ruto and Link simply stared at the words that had been appearing overhead of the two combatants. Then they looked at each other, silently swearing never to speak of this incident ever again.

And then there was silence. For a few precious minutes, anyways. Then, Link spoke up, ending the silence.

"And so ends yet another pointless battle that our group lands itself into, simply because it can."

There was dead silence for a second, as everyone around grasped the fact that Link had just said something smart. Then Navi gasped dramatically. "Blasphemy! All fights are necessary! Especially the ones that will get the two of you killed in the most painful, bloody, and violent ways possible."

Ruto cleared her throat. "As much fun as it is to watch you three argue (that was sarcasm, by the way, sorry it isn't that clear when I speak, it's this damn writer's fault, along with the format you're using to read this), I want to get out of here and have a wedding night with my fiancée." She wiggled her eyescales at Link. "Maybe we can even have a threesome!" She wiggled the same body part at Kasuto.

Navi groaned. "Look, giant talking humanoid fish lady, just give us the goddamned medallion so we can leave."

Ruto pouted.

"Then, when we're done with this whole thing, you can have your threesome," Navi finished. Ruto cheered, while Link and Kasuto looked like they were going to cry.

Ruto finished cheering. "Alright, I give you my support, a medallion, yadda yadda yadda, now go, and come back soooon!" She pushed the group into the portal, and began planning the imminent threesome.

* * *

As the group was appearing out of thin air, the lake water around them was rising to the height it had been at seven years before. Sheik was there, looking out at the sunrise, when they appeared behind him.

"SHEIK! IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG!" Kasuto cried, flinging his arms around the (wo)man. (S)he began turning blue.

"Kasuto, let go of the crossdresser."

Kasuto pouted, stepping away from Sheik. The Sheikah coughed. "So… did Ruto want to thank me? I see. So, we now have to return peace to Hyrule, for her sake. And by we, I mean you three, since you're the ones that caused most of the devastation going on around here. I'm not sure which was worse, you back when you were getting the Spiritual Stones, as well as now, or Ganondorf's tyrannical reign for the past seven years." Sheik thought for a moment. "Nah, definitely you three. I think that, if the apocalypse ever comes, you three will be behind it."

There was silence, as Link, Navi, and Kasuto thought over what they'd just been told.

"Hmmm… A-Poc-Key-Lips. I think I found my new favorite word!" cried Link. He was ignored. Link ran off to cry on the corner of the island. There, he found a sign. "When you're finally done in there, shoot at the sun. There, you will gain your greatest desire."

"Shoot at the sun, eh?" Link rubbed the area of his face where there would be a beard on a normal person. Alas, because of the dangerous and death-filled (usually his own) lifestyle that Link lead, he was unable to grow one. This will surely come back to haunt him, and when he only grows stubble because of the constant burning of his facial skin, as the law of the beard commands: When two beards cross paths, the larger beard has the right of way.

Link pulled out his bow, aimed, and shot.

"DAMN IT LINK!"

Link had to quickly hide from the rampaging fairy.

* * *

When Navi had finally calmed down and gone back to talk with Sheik again, Link finally came out of hiding. "All right, let's try this again."

Link drew the arrow back once more, aimed at the sun, and let go.

"GODDAMN IT, LINK! YOU KILLED MY DOORKNOB! Even though doorknobs aren't alive, and can't feel pain, BUT YOU STILL KILLED IT!"

Link couldn't fight the crazed Sheikah, and neither could he run. He hid until Sheik calmed down a few hours later.

* * *

Link finally stole some courage from his Triforce piece, coming out of hiding again. "Okay, I've got this. Just aim at the sun, pull back the arrow, and let go. You can do this… Remember this is all for my greatest desire… Of course, I don't know what the hell it is, but it's gotta be something good."

Link pulled back the arrow, and finally hit what he was aiming for, off in the distance. There was nothing for a second. Then an arrow on fire shot back out of the sun, directly back on the way Link had aimed it before. The Fire Arrow impaled itself upon Link's forehead, which promptly exploded.

Kasuto pulled part of the shrapnel out of Link's skull and held it up in the air in victory.

* * *

"WHERE WERE YOU AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME?" Kasuto shrieked, holding a knife to Sheik's throat as Kakariko Village burned around them. Sheik grimaced.

"I would've thought that you three would have set the village on fire. Especially since Link, not one hundred words ago, acquired an item that would allow him to do just that."

"So… You didn't do it?"

"I would have thought that was obvious."

Link and Navi appeared, each holding an ice cream cone. They cried tears of sadness simultaneously as the ice cream melted due to the flames around them. Navi then pulled out a bat and beat Link until he got a concussion.

"Hello Navi, Link."

"Hi Sheik."

The brutal beating continued, with Navi beating Link to within an inch of his life.

"And yes, that is a gun in my pocket, Sheik, but I'm still glad to see you."

"Why are you doing this, Navi?" cried Kasuto. "He… He was my husband! You're killing him!" Kasuto began sobbing fat, watery, gigantic crocodile tears. "What did he do to deserve such a thing?"

"You mean other than the fact that he's a drooling idiot?" Kasuto nodded. "I discovered that killing with the usual implements was… boring. There was no art in it."

* * *

**I do believe that this chapter has the longest scene in the entire fic so far. Who'da thunk?**


	24. This Chapter is in 3D!

**Thank you, Foxpilot, for your brilliant idea for comedy, however, I fear I may not have pulled it off very well here. You know what you did. I know what I did. But do you know what I know that I know that you know? However, as I stated before, I had written much of the previous chapter before the release of the game. I think that reveals far too much about my habits of laziness. On a completely unrelated note that has nothing to do with his suggestion (no, really!), because of the (not really, anymore) recent release of OoT: 3D, this chapter will take place completely in the Third Dimension!**

**No offense meant to the English because of the contents of this chapter. I love you British people and your British sense of humor. English and British ar ethe same thing, right? I really hope I didn't just cause some sort of international crisis...**

_**REMEMBER, KIDDIES, THIS CHAPTER IS IN 3D. IT WILL BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM ALL OF THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE IT BECAUSE IT IS IN 3D. IT IS NOT SOME HALF-BAKED ATTEMPT TO STEAL YOUR MONEY FOR THE BENEFIT OF MY OWN POOL OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN TAKE A BATH WHILE SURROUNDED BY MONEY (KINDA LIKE THE PEOPLE AT BLIZZARD). AGAIN, THIS CHAPTER IS NOT A RIF-OFF. BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS IN 3D, IT WILL BE LESS FUNNY, AND SO LESS LIKELY TO MAKE SOME GERMAN GUY CRAP THEIR PANTS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**_

* * *

Link giggled as he fired more 3D Fire Arrows into Kakariko Village. "Yay! Burny time!"

Kasuto and Navi were behind him, shaking their heads solemnly as the village burst into 3D flames because of Link's antics. "And people wonder why there hasn't been much fire in this story, even though Link supposedly loves it. Well, I hope you're happy, reviewers."

"Oh, those silly reviewers, they're never happy," commented Kasuto, popping out of the screen. "All they do is either say something sucks, and then give no proof to it, or they just bitch and moan because they can."

Then, a new voice cut in.

"You know, I should be surprised at this, I really should," said Sheik dully as he stared at the smoldering ashes of the area once known as Kakariko Village. The ashes were even cooler because of the fact that they were in 3D. "I wonder why I'm not surprised. Hmmm, it could be because you three bring death and destruction with you wherever you go, but I could be wrong."

As he said this, Sheik was grabbed by a giant hand and smashed against the ground a few times. His eyes dramatically came out of the screen in his shock, before going back in.

"REVENGE!" someone invisible hissed. The air rippled from the cool 3D effect.

Sheik used his to get away from the hand. A fire arrow from Link helped with that, but Sheik wouldn't be telling the boy that any time soon.

"Ah yes, how silly of me to ignore you three," said the area around the hand with the air of an English gentleman. "How are you on this fine day? Fancy a game of cricket?"

"GET AWAY YOU CRAZY ENGLISHMAN!" squealed Link, throwing a 3D bomb at the giant hand.

"I must say, your rudeness is not very tolerable at the best of times," said the hand, calmly tossing the bomb behind it. A large explosion was heard from the left of the screen, thanks to the 3D sound. "I would very much like to rip your head off of your shoulders now, but, as the law of conduct for dungeon bosses states that I cannot do that before you enter my boss room, I must strongly encourage you three to come visit the Shadow Temple. And, as further encouragement, I have kidnapped a woman with red eyes. Would you know of this woman?"

"Malon?"

"That's red _hair_."

"Midna?"

"Wrong game."

"Tsukune Aono in vampire form?"

"That's a guy from some manga."

"Tio Pancho?"

"That's a Klingon. You are the very definition of idiot. There are dictionaries out there that have a picture of you under the word 'retard.'"

"Thank you."

"It was Impa, by the way. Come to my boss room, or she will die. Very painfully."

* * *

"So again: why should we care that Impa's been kidnapped?" asked Navi calmly, eyebrow raised.

"Because she's one of the six Sages!" replied Sheik hotly. "Didn't I already tell you that?"

"It must've slipped my mind," said Navi, calmly enjoying the 3D steam that was coming out from underneath Sheik's wrappings.

"Screw you, Navi. Screw you."

"Thank you. I'll have to take you up on that at some point."

* * *

"Oh my God, Link, there's a message in by Alphabits!"

Link looked into the bowl that Kasuto was showing him. "Oh, shit, there is! It says 'Oooooooo.'"

Then Navi looked into the bowl. "Guys, those are Cheerios. 3D Cheerios."

There was an awkward silence.

"…Well, now I just have to figure out what 'Oooooo.' means!"

"It's like that one time I was coming home from a bar when you guys were asleep, and had to go to a bunch of houses before I found the temple. They were all very rude." Kasuto and Navi just stared at Link.

"You went out to a bar? Without me?" shrieked Kasuto. Link nodded slowly, the 3D making his face pop in and out of the screen. "You selfish bastard! I love you! I hope you die! Can I hug you?"

"Don't be so childish, Kasuto," said Link.

"Oh yeah?" said Kasuto. "Well if I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to just stand here and take that from a pervert." And so he walked offscreen, the 3D wind blowing 3D dust clouds across the screen.

* * *

"Who dares summon the master of glib, the deliverer of one-liners and the shogun of sarcasm?" shrieked the lone person in the Kakariko Windmill when Link poked him awake.

"I do, Master! It seems that the world has yet to embrace humor as a form of entertainment, and instead are gluing themselves to their TVs or commenting stupidly on random videos on Youtube SIR!" said Link, saluting at the end.

"Very good, my young disciple. You are becoming wise in the ways of the funny. However, you still have much to learn, about thoroughness," snapped the Windmill Guy. "You cannot simply make the recipient laugh. You must make them scream. You must make them crack a rib. You must make them piss themselves from laughing, and then have an attack of the hiccups for a half hour afterwards!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Ah, my disciple. It is with great honor that I grant you the title of 'Master of Humor.' And here, it's dangerous to go alone! Take this." The Windmill Guy began to play the Song of Storms, which sounded the theme for Portal. Link quickly learned the song, and began to play it. As he did, it began to rain inside the windmill. The rain seemed to wake up the guy in front of them, whom jolted up in surprise.

"Oh no! A storm again! Someone played the Ocarina in here again! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Then he seemed to notice that there were other people inside of the Kakariko Windmill. "Hey! You kids! Get your paws out of my windmill, you damn dirty apes!"

* * *

"Hey, Navi?" asked Link as the trio was walking back to the Temple of Time, the dust swirling around them popping out of the screen. "How do we go back in time?"

Navi thought for a moment. "Okay, but first, do you want some words, or a picture?"

"A picture. Because pictures are better than words. Some words are big and hard to understand."

"Fine then."

In a tree far, far away, Kaepora Gaebora cried.

"Here you go." Navi handed Kasuto a complicated diagram, featuring lots of scribble lines, tiny notes explaining what each line and drawing meant, and stick figures. Many stick figures. The fact that it was in 3D only made it harder to make out what was on the diagram.

"Navi, you suck at drawing."

* * *

**(Seven years before)**

"I really hate doing that," said Kasuto as they were walking outside, the 3D sunlight beaming down on them. "I have to make all of my comments to random bystanders over again. And on that subject, I'll be right back."

Kasuto walked over to a seemingly random person, sitting on a bench in front of the Castle Town Fountain. "Excuse me sir, I believe you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother."

"What the hell'd you just say?" the other person growled.

"What, about the seat or me plowin' your father's wife?"

Kasuto landed at the feet of the other two of the group. "See what I mean? Stupid zombies…" He began muttering random nonsense. Navi and Link began fearing for the precious little sanity left to them. **IN 3D!**

* * *

Young Link stepped onto the Wooden Turny-Thing in the middle of the Kakariko Windmill. He pulled out the Ocarina of Time, cleared his throat, and played the Portal theme. The Wooden Turny-Thing began spinning; it went faster and faster, Link screaming at the top of his lungs and just barely holding on. The 3D made it all the more exciting.

"AAAAGH! THIS IS EVEN MORE INTENSE THAN THE TIME I FORGOT HOW TO SIT DOWN!"

Navi shook her head, her tiny fairy-hair whipping in the 3D wind. "The more things change, the more they stay the same. Remember kiddies: keep staying the same, you'll be completely different by tomorrow!"

Meanwhile, the Windmill was now turning so quickly that it caused a space-time vacuum, sucking out all of the water from the Kakariko Well, and leaving the residents of the village without water until the next time it rained (READ: the next time Link played the Song of Storms. Hyrule is a very arid place, very loving with its dry wit).

And now, we leave with a parting word from our favorite shogun of sarcasm, the Windmill Man: "Go around, go around, go around… What? It's going way too fast! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

* * *

**What? You thought I would go the entire game without a single reference to the original Zelda? For shame, fools. For shame. Anyways, this time I actually have a legitimate excuse for this chapter being late: right as I was finishing up this chapter's editing, and was about to hit SAVE, my neighborhood had a power outage. That means no internet, for those of you that happen to be uninformed (READ: mindlessly stupid (READ: a character in this fic)). Thankfully, my laptop was unaffected, and the chapter was saved fine, but I wasn't able to post the chapter until this afternoon.**


	25. Obligatory SOTN Opening Reference

**Insert excuse here.**

**UPDATE: Also forgot to wish y'all a Happy Halloween. And if you see someone wearing a Majora's Mask made out of cardboard in your neighborhood, that's probably me; I can never deny my sweet tooth its chance for sweets. Even though I'm fifteen, and probably getting too old for Halloween... Fuck it, I'm still going.**

* * *

"Now, boys. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Either way involves much pain for both of you," said Navi.

Link opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Navi.

"The hard way? _Excellent._"

Navi's grin was like a piranha that had seen a defenseless leg directly in front of them. She pulled out an electric eel, and her creepy smile widened even more.

The other two had seen enough.

"Outta my way Link!" screamed Kasuto, pushing the green elf-crossdresser to the side. "I don't wanna know what she's gonna do with that thing, and I don't wanna know!" He dove headfirst into the well. A clunk announced the impact of his head against the stone bottom, twenty feet below.

* * *

Link combat-rolled through the fake wall and struck a ninja pose. He looked left. He looked right. "All clear."

Kasuto moonwalked in behind him, a hand on the hat that had mysteriously appeared.

"Where'd you get the hat?" asked Navi, who simply floated through.

"By the magical mystical musical author powers the author has just revoked from my being."

"So, you found it."

"Pretty much. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, the ladies love these puppies." He kissed each of his biceps, and Navi was suddenly overtaken by a fit of the giggles.

Kasuto and Link just stared at her.

"Uh… You okay?" asked Link.

"Ladies…love… HA!" Navi wiped a tear from her eye.

Kasuto felt himself die a little bit inside.

* * *

Link sprinted towards the small chest hidden in an alcove. "…Dadadadaaa! I gots me some moneys!"

Kasuto snatched the purple rupee out of Link's hands. "Mine now."

"Hey! That's against the rules!"

"Screw the rules, I have money!"

Navi had to intervene against the upcoming squabble."Alright you two children, stop making lame references or I'll… I'll… Damn, I can't keep a straight face anymore. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Soon all three of them were on the ground, laughing their heads off.

Navi finally calmed down enough to speak a few minutes later. "Stop making lame references," she giggled, wiping a tear away. "Like that'll ever happen. Uwe Boll will make a good video game movie before that happens."

Ba dum psh.

* * *

Link stood in front of the giant lizard mouth spewing water onto the ground in front of the group and pulled out the Ocarina of Time. Then he paused. Kasuto and Navi looked at him expectantly. However calm his outer appearance might have been, his mind was racing like it was being chased down by a tiger with chainsaws for feet.

'Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap! What do I play? Uh… Um… Maybe I'll just play something random, and that'll solve it! Yeah, that'll do it!' Link blew a series of random notes into the ocarina, making everything within earshot wince at the dreadful playing.

"Link. Link! LIIIIINK!"

Link stopped playing. "What?"

"First, your playing is terrible, badness that bad has to be taught by someone and we must drug and kill whoever taught you how to play the ocarina."

Far away, Albus Dumbledore felt a shiver go down his back.

"Secondly," Navi continued, " your playing is so bad that everything alive and dead within a mile is coming to kill us. And third, a living slime blob just ate Kasuto. Not that's important or anything, a little death won't kill him, just thought that would be worth mentioning."

"Ah. Okay." And so Link went back to trying to figure out Zelda's Lullaby.

* * *

Several hours later, the group finally stepped into the Boss Room of the Kakariko Well. There were many hands, seemingly used as a decoration, strewn about the room. They were all stuck elbow-first in the ground, and all were pointed rigidly at the ceiling.

There was no boss.

"Alright, what're we going to do now?" asked Navi, turning to the other two. "Hey!" She had to fly between Link and Kasuto as they got into yet another fight over the Rupee that they had found earlier. "No more killing each other, and no more trying to kill me! I'll do to you what I did to Luigi right before he won that mansion of his." Navi thought for a moment. "I wonder how he's doing, anyway? I should visit him sometime, catch him up on my new ways of torture."

Obligatory shiver scene.

"I'll pen him in for next Monday," she decided. Meanwhile, Link was off talking to each of the severed hands along the walls.

"I love you, I love you, I love you, burn in hell bitch, I love you…"

Apparently, the hand didn't take well to being told to burn in hell. It whipped out, snatching a screaming Link around the middle and hoisting him in the air.

It was then that Dead Hand made his appearance, coming out of nowhere to appear over Kasuto's shoulder.

He screamed, Navi laughed, Dead Hand bit off his head.

"Mmm… Crushed banana, my favorite."

"Die monster! You don't belong in this world!" yelled Link, pulling out his sword.

"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute." Dead Hand chuckled at the thought.

"Tribute? You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves!"

"Perhaps the same could be said of all religions." Dead Hand was enjoying himself.

"Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill-needs a savior such as you!" Now Link was hopping mad.

"What is a man?" A glass appeared in Dead Hand's… hand, and he threw it at the ground. "Nothing but a miserable pile of secrets! But enough talk...have at you!"

And so they charged, and it was an epic battle that would give the world their filling of epic zombie slaying for the next few months. Until Dead Hand finally noticed something unusual about Link's appearance, from being grabbed by one of his severed hands earlier. "…Uh, what happened to your clothes?"

"Your mom's washing them for me."

"BURN!" yelled Kasuto.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead? I mean, I did bite off your head, after all. It tasted like bananas, by the way, what the hell have you been smoking, and can I have some?"

"I got better! And marijuana, and no."

"Screw you."

This distraction was all that Link needed to finally stab Dead Hand… dead. The zombie exploded into nothing, mangled pieces of rotting flesh flying in all directions. The charred body parts made a bloody caricature of red along the walls of the confined room. Several pieces of brain matter flew into the palms of the severed hands lining the walls, making them wiggle around like a naked hula dancer that had just gotten high. And, to top it all off, Navi pulled a purple lens with spikes and a funky red/blue lens out of the chest that appeared after Dead Hand's defeat; they were perfect for finding out the secrets of the abd guys, the good guys, and anybody else that got in her way.

In short, it was freaking awesome.

"That was cool and explody!" A piece of Dead Hand flew into Link's open mouth. "And now it's not cool. Ew, brains." Link shuddered.

(scene break)

As the group climbed out of the well, they were attacked by an egg, thrown by a pink... dinosaur thing, with a bow on top of its head, and a round mouth that was spitting eggs at the group. It was something very familiar to every Nintendite that ever wondered about the universe they worshiped.

Navi pulled out a machete and, without breaking eye contact with the thing, rolled her tongue over the sharp end of the blade. The thing collapsed out of fear at the sight of a cute little fairy licking the blade of a machete, all the while with a glint in her eye that spoke of untold pain awaiting whatever was at the sharp end of the blade.

It was then that Link realized something. "Awesome! I finally get to find out Birdo's gender!" he cried, using Kasuto as a human shield from Navi. Link pulled the Lens of Truth out, putting it over his eye; all the while making sure that he kept his hold on the other.

Link fainted at the sight that awaited him within the lens.

* * *

**And that's why we don't stand around when a zombie explodes, no matter how pretty said explosion may be. And also why Birdo's gender is a secret to everyone. Bad things happen when either or both occur.**


End file.
